My Thoughts...

The Lowdown

2011-07-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

So...

The update on my life:

1. Getting divorced.
2. Got an apartment in a place called Raintree Apartments.
3. Apartment flooded during a torrential downpour and carpets were soggy wet.
4. Got another unit in the same place.
5. THAT apartment flooded even worse than the first one.
6. Found out in second unit, a man died there and laid there for 42 days before they knew he died.
7. Understood why the Ozone machine had been running for so long.
8. Decided to leave Raintree and they agreed to return my deposit and rent checks.
9. Got a NICE place at another apartment complex...a luxury apartment complex.
10. Raintree fucked up and deposited my rent check.
11. Account overdrawn because of extra 600 bucks being taken out without my knowledge.
12. Bank sent letter to Raintree to make them pay for the overdraft fees.
13. Called car dealership and have been approved to lease a car and trade in my Camry (even though I LOVE it). 200 a month beats 400.
14. Met someone who is sweet, caring, fun as hell, doesn't live to work, and makes me laugh. Will it go anywhere? I have no idea and don't care. I'm having fun for the first time in over a decade.

Better

2011-06-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Okay...so I'm feeling much better about my job. I actually really enjoyed the last 1/4 - 1/2 of it. I laughed more and felt more comfortable in general. It was good. I'm staying at my school.

Yay.

The Unsaid Babble That Really Needs to be Said Aloud

2011-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

I really think I want to leave the teaching profession and it makes me feel really bad to say that. It makes me feel REALLY bad that I have such high student loans and I don't want to do the job I worked so hard to get. :/

I feel sad. I feel guilty. I feel confused. I feel like a failure.

With that said, I also feel like as long as I have breath in my lungs, anything is possible...so I think I may get my M.A. in Cultural Anthropology. I have always had a passion for history and especially for cultures, which is why I am also certified in Social Studies. I have 8 more years in which to get my masters, so that means I can teach until then. Of course I will always teach like my life depends on it, just because I don't want to do it forever doesn't mean I'll slack off. I'm no slacker.

I may change schools though. My literacy coach is trying to get me to go to the school she is going to next year. She thinks the school I'm in now doesn't have any support and she said that with the "right support, you can become a phenomenal teacher. You've got it already, you just need guidance." I think she's right...but that school has behavior issues as well and quite frankly I'm sick to my soul of behavior issues.

I have all the GRE practice booklets I could get, except one and I'll probably get it soon. I loaned my vocabulary one to a student who is probably the most gifted person I've ever known. He's an 8th grader studying GRE vocab...go figure! lol

Anyway, there's the babble I cannot say aloud.

2011-02-23T17:26:00.000-08:00

So I just applied for a scholarship to the IRA Annual Convention in Orlando, Florida. I received the kindest letter of recommendation from the Administrative Dean of Students at my school. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea anyone even paid attention to what I'm doing/trying to do each day.

Some days it's really hard to get up and go into work, but I cannot give up. I cannot give up on my students or myself. I want to give it one more year, even though my husband says, "I really wish you wouldn't. I don't want you to go through this again next year." He NEVER gives his opinion on my decisions. He generally just supports me. I guess he's seen me close myself in the closet to cry too many times this year.

I'm reading the book The Bee Eater about Michelle Rhee, former superintendent of D.C. public schools. It's nice to read about someone who went though similar things I find myself going through this year. She survived...no, she thrived. I want to end this year on a positive note. I want my students to do well and feel that they can accomplish any task they come up against.

It's been a tough year and it's been a LONG year. I've prayed for snow days more times than I care to admit. I've taken sick days as mental health days just to recharge my batteries. I've wished I never left my previous school....all these things at least once a month every month. It's been a rough experience, but I'm beginning to think it's been a rewarding experience as well, and that is why I want to return next year.

I do plan to lessen my load next year though. I'm not teaching an extra class. This will mean my pay will be reduced by 7 grand (YIKES), but I feel my mental well-being and my free time at home is worth the loss of pay. Right now I feel stressed constantly because I end up with 1 or 2 planning periods PER WEEK, because of meetings. I end up working until 9pm at least three nights a week and then I work on weekends to plan for the next week.

This leads my thoughts to something I heard this morning:

Rand Paul....today on GMA he said that "teachers are paid quite well and they should not be striking. They should be at work teaching our children." HIS kids? Are his kids in the public schools? Also, does he realize that the majority of teachers in the state of KY (his state), if they are single parents, or the breadwinners of their families, they qualify for free/reduced lunch?! That is hardly what I consider "paid well." Also, he and others think teachers work only 9 months of the year, but this is not true. I will be working all summer to plan for next year and get my room ready. During the school year I work at least three 13 hour days, plus a day on the weekends. Let's say 5 hours on the weekend. That totals 60 hours a week on a regular basis.

I'm not trying to whine...I'm just sick of that idiot politician. He makes me ashamed to say I'm from Kentucky. I can't believe he was voted into office. Grumble.
I certainly didn't vote for him.

Did you know he also said that food stamps should be cut? WTF is wrong with this guy? He doesn't care about poor people....he is like Bush Jr. Bush doesn't care about poor people either.

Sad that such a fool has a voice in our government.

Okay, enough of that rant! Wow.

New Year Thoughts

2011-01-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

My last post was less than enthusiastic, but I guess that's natural. We all have down days and sometimes my down days are because of my husband. I'm assuming this is normal. It's hard to share a life with someone, even someone I love and respect...adore and consider my friend. It's just hard to give and take constantly, but that is what marriage is.

Being a stubborn person, this is sometimes hard for me. Especially now that I've found my voice.

I feel like I'm learning to be social for the first time ever. For so long I just kept quiet, afraid someone might lash back at me with insults (it's easy to find faults with me and so I really thought this would be an automatic thing), so I never voiced my opinion. As a teen, I began to rebel very badly and I lashed out at everyone, even myself. Then, as an adult, I tried to find my footing. I tried to find my voice, but it was stifled by my E.D. and my depression. I have dealt with both. The E.D. has become quiet and my depression is being curbed with medication (that I'm not sure I should keep taking...it makes me feel like I have no feelings), so I'm finding my voice again. The thing is, I find that sometimes I say things that hurt others. It makes me feel bad, but at the same time I am LEARNING to be assertive without being hurtful.

I feel like a child when it comes to this. I know that's weird. I'm 34...nearly 35, but it's the truth. I find that I still have trouble voicing my opinion to my husband and I think this is why I sometimes have bad days and I think it's because of him...really, it's because i don't say anything. I think this has to do with my previous relationship with him...I lost him for a while, but it never had to do with my standing up for myself or voicing my opinion. It's a long story. Anyway, I guess deep inside I'm afraid he'll be gone again.

That said, I long for isolation. I long to be alone. I dream of vacationing by myself, but I never do it. I figure I'll get bored. Ha! That's so funny.

I am a walking contradiction. It's the truth.
I walk over myself constantly, get turned around and end up where I started, find the correct path and then veer off only to discover I took the long way around. It's frustrating to say the least...but it's never boring. I guess I have that going for me.

This year I plan to be more present...I've made this goal before and I feel I have improved on it...but I want to continue on this path. I also want to get into my religious studies more. I need to feed my spirit. I need to commune with Nature more...

I got a puppy on the 29th. He's a Miniature Schnauzer and the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I adore him. Because he is black and Scott said he looks like an ink blot, we decided to name him Rorschach. I named him Rorschach von Grimsley and he will be AKC registered as that. :) I think it's cute and yet it sounds so sophisticated! haha! We call him Schachy most of the time, but he'll answer to anything as long as you use a high pitched, happy voice.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned my puppy is because he has gotten me outside. I take him for walks...even when he really doesn't want to go and sits, looks at me and whines a bit. I take him out to use the potty, to play and attack the dried plants in my garden. While I'm freezing my butt off, sometimes I look into the night sky to see the stars and I think, "Wow, it's been a while since I just looked at the stars." Tonight I saw "baseball." I remember someone in a movie calling that cluster of stars "baseball," and that is all I know it as now. The air is so fresh and clean in winter. I forgot that while living so long with winter depression. The cold still causes me to hunch my shoulders and tuck my head in like a turtle, but it's those moments when I look up, with a clear view of Orion that I remember how cool the winter night sky is. I have Rorschach to thank for that. He also makes me smile more times per day than I can count.

Rorschach and I. :)

Little things like this are what life is all about.

Still...I feel dissatisfied somehow and I don't know what's causing this feeling. Why can't I just be happy?

To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I had a home of my own. I'd like to be married, as I love my marriage, but I need time alone. Maybe I just need a room of my own, like Virginia suggested for women. I need my solace. I need time to be; just be, without having to BE anything.

Stometimes

2011-01-02T15:35:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I hate being married.

The Watery Abyss

2010-09-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem when I was feeling very afraid of change. Change can be hard, even when it is good. This poem was written in 2009, but I feel like it is still pertinent to my life at present, as I begin a journey toward freeing myself from depression and as I begin a new and very complex stage in my career as a teacher. I am very afraid. I do not know for sure that I won't fail miserable at it. I don't know that I've ever really failed at anything before, but that doesn't mean a lot, because I have generally been the type of person to only do so much so that if I did fail, it wouldn't be such a shock. This is very different. I want to succeed. I want to do well. Will I do it again next year? I have no idea.

The depression part is scary too. I've dealt with it for so very long I can't even guess. I think it came before the eating disorder, but I can't be sure...the chicken or the egg scenario, I guess. Anyway, I was looking through old journals and I noticed a very alarming pattern of ups and severe lows. I also took into consideration the way I am in the winter...this year was the first year when all I had to do was think about winter and tears will well up in my eyes. I swear, I don't know that I could handle another without help. I was very frightened by that thought and so I was relieved when my doctor asked if I might want to try an anti-depressant for seasonal depression. I agreed immediately. She said I could start it in October if I wanted, but I decided to go ahead and try it that day. It takes up to 4 weeks for it to have effect and so I knew it should be working by October and that's when my depression starts to sneak in. I'm so scared of it that I didn't want to wait and end up having it not work until November...generally by Thanksgiving, it is in full swing and I have trouble enjoying family gatherings and other things.

The Watery Abyss

I ride slowly, cautiously
the waves of life, as
back and forth they rock.
I feel sick this night
terror wrenches my heart
and turns my stomach.
I know not my surroundings
although I can hear you laugh
and I feel your arms around my waist.
My bosom heavy; burdened
cries deep within my frame
and I fight to keep the bile down
I fight to smile.
Riding the waves of life,
hoping not to crash hard upon the shore
where they wait, arms waving
in greeting
as I vomit overboard
wishing to turn back toward the watery abyss.
TWGrimsley 2009

My husband and I had dinner last night at our favorite restaurant, Miyako. I love the sushi there and the service is awesome too. We are regulars for sure; going at least every other week...Chung is our favorite waiter. the owner is very kind too. He always says hi, lets us know the recent family news and he always shakes Scott's hand. If only restaurant owners knew how important it is to simply greet their patrons....

Anyway, so we were there and we were chatting about what we want to do in the next couple of years. The other day he asked if I'd want to move from our home. I've thought about this...our house was built in 1988 and so it is getting to the age where it needs maintenance and Scott is sort of getting tired of worrying about what might happen next. He asked if I might want to get an apartment or townhouse so we can save money and not be tied to a mortgage and all the maintenance.

At first I felt sad about it...this is our first real home. I love this house. I say "by, pretty house," every time we leave the driveway...lol. Not kidding. However, I for sure understand the benefits of moving to a place where we can call the landlord and have him deal with the maintenance. Also, if we can save some money, that would be great for the future when the kids head off to college.

Scott and I want to move to Europe for one year after the kids are settled where they will be attending school and such. I'm scared of the idea of having them in America and being across the Atlantic. However, I think it's a great idea. It's not like we'll be gone forever...although that's a possibility. I told him, "We may not want to come back to America." He replied, "I know."

I'm so scared of not having my kids with me. It's a fear that is so deep inside myself. I literally tense up with the thought, but I know at some point I'll have to let them go. they will grow up and start their own lives. the thing is, I think they will need a couple of years on their own before I'll feel comfortable enough to leave the country...they will still be so young and they will still need me on occasion, even if they pretend they don't.

So there is a hell of a lot going on inside my head right now...I think it's a good thing I started the medicine right away....

Enough babbling.
Ciao.

2010-08-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

I know this is probably uncouth, but really...I wouldn't do it if I didn't need help. I seldom ask for help as it is, but my students really need your help.

Please help by donating even just 5.00 to this project. PLEASE! We will send hand-written thank you notes and we will be forever grateful. Plus, the materials can be used by future students, so it's soooo not a waste of money. In addition, your donation is 100% tax deductible.

Please help if you can.
I appreciate it so much.

Sunny.

Here's a link:

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

You'll have to log in, but please don't be scared...it's approved by the BBB and you can check for yourself first if you're still unsure.

Thanks so very much in advance!!!!

Classroom Project

2010-08-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hello...I just wanted to share a link to a project I am trying to do this year. With fund cuts and limits on my own income, getting things like a classroom set of books is nearly impossible.

I hope perhaps you could donate to my project. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you get a response email immediately that you can print for your records.

Let me tell you a little about the project. The name of it is: What do you show to the world?

I want my students to do a bit of self-reflection and think about how they portray themselves to the world...what do they want others to see? What do they hide behind? How do they want to be remembered, etc....the possibilities are endless. I want to read the novel, The Skin I'm In by Sharon Flake, which discusses topics that are very real to my students, such as prejudice, being insecure, trying to fit in, finding one's place in the world. I will guide them to making real text-to-self connections through class discussions.

To follow-up, I want the students to create and decorate paper Mache masks that show what they show to the world. I will be providing the sequins, feathers, buttons, etc...I just need help getting the basics.

What I would really love help with is getting the class set of books, the paints and brushes and the masks. I've tried to be frugal when considering the supplies, because I'm not one to waste money myself. At first I thought a class set of the masks would suffice, but I realized each mask would need about 24 - 48 hours to dry completely and I don't want my classes to be two days behind each other, so I am hoping to get a mask for each student.

I'd liek to note that my school no longer has art class due to budget cuts, so this is my way of giving them the opportunity to express themselves artistically, which I feel is vital to a well-rounded education.

If you can't help, perhaps you can just tell others about the project....but if you can help, even just 5.00 can help get a couple of masks and I and my students would appreciate it VERY much!!!

You will receive a hand-written thank-you note from my class for your donation.

BEst wishes,
T.

Below is the link:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

2010-07-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

I've been getting my classroom ready this week...and wow is it a job!! Seriously. The teacher who was there before me had the class loaded with textbooks, something I very seldom use in my classes. Let's face it, how often did you have fun using a textbook at school?

That's what I thought. ;-)

So here are a few pics of my classroom in the works...it is far from finished. I have to get more color in there!!!

Education can take you anywhere in the world...

I'll post more later...I'm tired.

A great day on the river

2010-06-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am utterly and completely exhausted! Scott and I went kayaking again today and the water was up higher than last time...well, I was being silly and spent much of my time spinning the kayak around and around in the river. It was great fun, but requires a lot of energy. I also thought it would be funny, since the water was cruising us right along, with very little help from paddling, to paddle with my arms, so I did this or several minutes...it actually worked too! lol However, it was exhausting! Ha!

So anyway, I'm TIRED! It was great fun though.

Tomorrow I will begin summer school at my new school. I'm terribly nervous, so it's probably good that I'm so utterly exhausted...maybe I won't toss and turn tonight.

2010-06-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

There is nothing like sitting on the deck in the heat & humidity. Truly, I love it. I know it's nuts, but i love it. :)

2010-06-11T18:13:00.001-07:00

I think blogging on the go will be super fun...especially while on vacation & such! If you've not signed up yet you should! :)

2010-06-11T18:10:00.001-07:00

Testing 123 testing...

Summertime

2010-06-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's only 1:42 in the afternoon and I really want a glass of red wine. Is that bad? Possibly...am I going to indulge myself? Probably. I mean, it's the weekend for me and this is my only week off before summer school, which starts Monday and I'll be doing that through July 9th. I think a little glass of red wine sounds divine.

*pours self a glass of red wine*

I know this is going to sounds really strange, but I'm wearing my bikini. Does anyone else do this? Run around the house in your bikini just for the hell of it? I do. I don't know why, but in summer I literally live in mine and this one is new....it's a cute new Roxy that's charcoal gray with bright green tie-dye. I love it. You know, that's one thing I am sooooooo very thankful for with having kicked my ED away. I actually love buying and wearing bikinis nowadays. I'm not going to say I don't feel insecure sometimes...I do. I think everyone does, unless they look like Heidi Klum, but we all know she's a digital creation.....right? ;-) I mean, how on earth does that woman have children and then walk the runway in two months?! Wow. So anyway, back to me....far less interesting and certainly less toned and, shall we say, endowed??? hehe.

I've been planning for summer school via email with the teacher I'll be co-teaching with. She's fabulous and while I though it was going to be difficult to plan without meeting in person, it's actually been really great! It helps that we both have the same basic ideas for teaching the class, so that means all we have to do is gather the materials to enhance learning. We're reading a book entitled Night John by Paulsen. It's a great little short book with a powerful message. I also bought the movie and Shakira (the Social Studies teacher) found primary sources online so the kids can do an activity with that and the sources go so perfectly with the book! I also have some primary sources and we'll use those as well. We're going to teach about the Underground Railroad throughout the class and the dean of students said we will have a period actor come who is playing a slave who belonged to Lincoln...she said, "I've tried to contact Lincoln, but he has not returned the call." (hahaha!) We are also taking the kids on a field trip using charter buses...can you believe this???? For summer school!! I'm totally blown away, because my last school had so little by way of funds that we could barely muster two field trips and they couldn't afford summer school. It's sad for them, really...but I'm so happy to be in a school with some funds! :)

Other than summer school planning, I've spent most of my free time either on the river kayaking or rolling around in my inline skates. It's been great fun. My plan for the summer after summer school is to be on the river as much as possible. I love it. I dare say I love it more than the ocean....which surprises me. I do though. There is something special about paddling a river. You see things you wouldn't see otherwise. The world slows down...you become more alive than you knew you could be. I truly love it and wish I could spend days at a time out there. I want to visit other rivers though. I want to get on some whitewater this year...I'd like to get the boys out in a big family raft so they can have a safe first experience, where I won't have to worry about them. I think I'll take them out on the Big South Fork for their first time out solo...because it's like a class 3 (with only occasional) 4 rapids and that's only at certain times of the year. Not bad for learning. They are naturals...you should see them in a kayak!!! I was blown away & so proud of them. :)

So anyway, the summer is going to be great. I'm truly looking forward to it.

Joy Ache

2010-05-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

At this very moment, I am both extremely happy and extremely sad.

I'm happy because my life is just what I always hoped for as far as my marriage, career and kiddos go. I swear...it's wonderful and actually it might be better than what I hoped for, because I had no idea how good married life could be. I'd never met anyone who was truly happily married, so I had no idea it could happen.

I'm extremely sad because I miss my siblings. I really do. For whatever reason, they dislike me...have said they hate me and well, there is nothing I can do about that. I've chosen to keep my distance and I plan to continue with that, because what else is there to do? I'm tired of being hurt. The thing is, it hurts to keep a distance. Then again, you can't close a distance if the other person doesn't want it and they don't want it.

Today I watched the movie Coco before Coco Chanel and I loved it. Her story inspires me. I'm not saying I want to be like her...as in what she accomplished, although I have had that dream (funny because I am a self-taught seamstress and unable to make clothes). I have said things like, "People should be wearing my name on their clothes." Why? I have no idea...

I want to be successful in whatever I endeavor to do. I have no idea where this life will take me. I have no idea what I truly want in my life. I know for now I am focused on my career...possibly even more than my family. I'm good at my job. I love it. I also have plans to get better and venture out to do new things concerning my career. At present I'm working on a manuscript for a NCTE publication. I hope it will make the publication. I don't know if it will, but I hope it does! I have also been asked to participate in a presentation at an upcoming conference. I've accepted and should the proposal be approved, I'll be dealing with the nerves of presenting to other professionals! Yikes. It'll be really cool, but extremely scary.

I don't know why I even agreed to do it...I just thought, "What the hell? Why not?" At this moment though...I'm freaking out a little bit. Why did I say yes? Yikes...The closer it gets, the higher my anxiety will get, I'm sure. I just figured...this is my one life, why not take chances and see what will happen? I think I owe it to myself to see what comes of it. :)

Damaged Skin

2010-04-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

When it comes to my health, there are two things I wish I had done differently:

1. Never started smoking. I've quit and I've not smoked in years, but I wish I had never started in the first place.

2. More importantly, I wish I hadn't used a tanning bed. EVER. My poor skin is so damaged from it. I feel like I look bad. I have three moles that are strange looking and have me a bit worried. I may see a dermatologist about them...and I'm not one to see a doctor. I just feel like I'm looking older than I am.

Ugh.

If I could go back in time, I'd change those things before ever touching my ED. that's how important they are to me.

Be kind to yo bad self and WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Porn Spam and the Online World = GRRRR

2010-04-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

So funny (and humbling) to keep a blog and the only feedback I get is Asian porn spam.

Whatever.

If blogs were really for others, we'd call it email or a telephone call. We really know who the blogs are for. It's totally and completely for the blogger. Get a response, think "wow, I must have written something witty! I must be on my game today!" Don't get a response, think: "No one understands me! This is just like high school!"

Whatever, no one really cares....unless, of course your readers are your friends and then they probably DO care.

That said, for the most part people are only responding in hopes that you will in-turn respond to them. It's this strange insatiable cycle of blogging that serves to clutter the mind and either feed or starve the soul.

Whatever happened to REAL friendship? You know the kind, where you could argue like siblings and hug the next day as if nothing ever happened. Where they tell you if you have something in your teeth, because it's the right fucking thing to do. Nowadays, our friends are online in that online world where they can't even see our teeth, at least not in real time. Then you walk around with lettuce in your teeth and no friends to tell you it's there.

This blows.

I am amazed though with this online world. I've been an active member for geez, I don't know....YEARS....so many I swear my hands are starting to remain din their typing stance, even when I stand at ease...they are ready like strange claws; ready to reach out to someone; to piss someone off; to make someone feel comforted; to make someone laugh...they are at the ready. It's bad, really. I can see the wrinkles from internet and typing activity. Anyway, I really am amazed with this online world. I mean, I've met some really terrific people on here... in various places, over the last decade or so. I'd say I've met three really GREAT people that I have had the pleasure of meeting or would like to meet one day. that's it over the last decade or so. They are really considered my online friends.

There are online acquaintances as well and they are great too, but I don't hold the in my heart as dearly. I don't think about them unless they comment to my page (I have others besides this one...here is where I am safe from real family and in-person friends and I can express myself as I truly want to)and then I think of them and when I say "I'm sending warm thoughts your way," I truly am. I stop for a second and send happy thoughts, warm thoughts, healing thoughts, etc....

It's no lie.

You know, I think deep inside most people who get to know me don't really like me. Sure, this could be my psychosis with the ED, but I honestly believe it's true. I mean think about it....it's typically easy to make friends because as humans we generally believe others are like us. We make assumptions. However, it's upon realizing that others are NOT like us that we come to reality. For many, this means realizing that I'm not this or not that and then people want me to go away.

It's like this, at my school, I'm constantly surrounded by talk of Christianity. The author of The Golden Compass is not exactly banned from the district, but I would never be allowed to use his book as a teaching tool because he is an Atheist. I guess this means, as an employee of my school district, I should NEVER talk about my beliefs. It's strange to have to be so guarded. I generally change the subject to more important things....like students and teaching.

So anyway, there's my crap for today. Take it or leave it.

I'm sure to get some damned Asian porn spam....and I'll delete it, as usual. WTF? Why do they do that? It's so fucking irritating!

The End

2010-04-09T17:13:00.001-07:00

I always say all this crap and then when I get responses, I immediately begin criticizing myself. I consider myself a bitch. I get close to others only to eventually remove them from my life. I feel like I am meant to walk alone...except that I like having my husband with me.

I typically believe others are out to hurt me in one way or another. I take EVERYTHING personally, even though I pretend I don't.

Basically I am the embodiment of a stupid lie. I lie constantly to myself and others. It's ridiculous, I know....however, it got me past 25 and I didn't really believ ethat was possible.

So what if someone gave me a hard time...who gives a shit? Really? I want to write. I want to publish a book that is in the works presently...and I'm afraid of a little criticism? How will I deal with feedback IF the book is published and IF anyone actually buys the damned thing? I always talk about free speech and "I have the right to say whatever I want," but I get mad when others say that...what B.S.

I'm a load of BS and I feel every ounce of it right now. Grrr....I'm so fucking pathetic. I need to get over myself. I'm so ridiculous.

Not that anyone here cares. I'm just venting....and typing is less painful to my fingers than writing with a pen these days! AHHHHHHHHHH! There. It's all out. I'm finally being honest with myself.

The End.

Writing

2010-04-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

I think this blog is proof of just how egocentric I am. It's strange to write this, but I like it and so I'll continue with it until I get bored.

All I've done today is write, watch birds & eat. That's it; that's all The writing I've been doing has stirred up old feelings & by that I don't mean ED feelings....just old feelings. Old feelings of sadness and loss of really good friends. Old feelings of fear and heartache....but also old feelings of laughter. It's been interesting and I find that I can only write for so long before I absolutely must take a break from the past.

I must put it away & remember where I am: in the present. I have to pull myself back here. It was harder today than it has been the last few days. I am on page 73 and I'm delving into Part Two of my work. It's been a strange ride, but one I'm really glad I've decided to take. I think it is very necessary.

On a side note:

I found it interesting that I was mentioned in a book review for You Are Not Alone Vol 2. The author of the review quoted my poem. I felt immense pride for that. I'm happy someone acknowledged that poem...it was rather difficult to write & even more difficult to get to the point where I could write it. I owe a lot of that to my friend, Angie who told me I should submit it. Thanks, Angie.

Here's the link:

http://eatingdisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/you_are_not_alone_i_and_ii_book_reviews

2010-04-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some people expect you to never say anything negative about their beliefs, but if you even so much as mention your own they automatically label you as "evil" or something equally horrible?

I ask this because while I appreciate and respect other beliefs, I do not see this reciprocated. It is to the point that I feel the need to hide my beliefs from others for fear of ridicule and alienation. The funny part is, I'd be alienated by those who claim to love all people and claim to be generous to all people.

I just find it very unfortunate that we can't get beyond such primitive ideas. It makes me remember why I isolated myself from others so much as a teenager. Because I was different and did not follow my mother's Christian ideas, she labeled me evil and said I was a devil worshiper. I wasn't! She only labeled me as such because I did not believe as she did and "anything not of God was of Satan."

Is this true?

I have no idea.

Sometimes I wish I were into country music and attended church on a regular basis so I could fit in around here. It would make life so much easier. However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Country music literally makes me sick and I just don't like the dogma of church. I've seen too many pastors get wealthy and I've seen too many churches tear down perfectly good homes to build parking lots. It's ridiculous.

I like Christ. I do not like most Christians.

I do not understand how the followers of Christ, who went from door to door to beg for food, was the son of a carpenter and eventually tortured mercilessly on a cross, could ask for THINGS...attend a church that is LOADED. I call it "Six Flags over Jesus." It is so very contradicting and it aggravates me to no end. These same people drive more than one SUV and judge, judge, judge.

Perhaps these are not true Christians? I just don't know. Perhaps I am being too judgmental. We are all human, after all and keeping up with the Jones' seems to be a theme here in America.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there praying for my soul right now after the posts I've put up on Facebook, but I don't care. Actually I do. I don't think I need my "soul saved." I believe it is just fine as it is. I feel full of light and love. I want to be peaceful. I want others to be happy. I want to feel love rather than judgment. I just want to live my life and let others live theirs.

I am a very opinionated person. I know this. It is one of my many flaws. However, if we don't let our opinions out, we lose our voice and I for one, do not want to lose my voice. That said, I dislike upsetting people. I think my ED side still takes over occasionally & I try to please everyone. I don't want anyone mad at me, even people I don't particularly like.

Light & love,
T.

2010-04-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Here's something true and rather embarrassing about me...I am only sharing it as a way to make you laugh.

I bought a new journal today at Barnes and Noble (love that store, by the way). So anyway, when I shop for a journal, it's very systematic. I feel each one (must be leather bound...or at least that is my thought initially), close my eyes and try to absorb the energy of the journal...and I think to myself (literally), "which one will inspire my masterpiece?"

Ridiculous, I know...and the fact that I'm sharing this proves that I no longer have a filter and that I really no longer care what others think.

Anyway, I ended up choosing, not a leather one as I usually do, but a nice handmade fabric-bound one with a cool dial design and embroidery. I love it and whether or not it will inspire my masterpiece is irrelevant....it will certainly inspire me to write. Period. And that's what matters.

Here is a couple of pics:

I love that the pages have no lines...this will inspire me to sketch, which I love doing. :)

Baking Fiasco

2010-04-06T09:47:00.001-07:00

So since being married, I've become even more domestically challenged. While I am able to clean house and do laundry, my abilities for other things beneath our roof are in constant decline.

Take today.

I used to be really good at baking & decorating cakes, even to the point that people asked me to do cakes for them. Today was the first day I've baked in probably a year and it's a monstrosity. Of course it could be that I baked it in a bikini (I was previously getting a little sun on the deck) while listening to Type O Negative.

I also went out on a limb and bought the whipped icing, which was a huge mistake. That shit sucks. It is way too light and therefore hard to spread because it doesn't stick well. *Grrrrr* So anyway, the freaking cake is chock full of crumbs, which I tried to hide with rainbow sprinkles (not very successfully, I might add). I edged it in blue, but the flipping whipped icing even caused THAT to fall.

So, to at least make it look a little better, the falling icing zone is now the back of the cake. At least it won't be visible in birthday pictures.

I think my cake-baking days are over...either that or I need to get out of my stupid ED head and bake more cakes so I have more practice...not sure that will happen anytime soon; at least not as long as I have the desire to wear a bikini.

I am certainly no domestic goddess & honestly, it's not a goal I have. I just wanted to bake a freaking cute birthday cake for my child; that's all. :( Bummer.

I blame these guys for the following....

The cake, of which I spoke, with...

the falling icing zone.

Lunch, online shopping (monitor browsing) and sizing

2010-04-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

So I've been monitor browsing (formerly known as window shopping, except now I don't have to leave the comfort of my home). Why can't I just buy a medium? I mean, I see an adorable summer dress and notice that the size small measurements are too small for me and then I totally throw out the idea of getting the dress at all. Why can't I just suck it up and buy the medium, which would fit perfectly? *grumble*

The fact is, I've not changed in size. I am still a size 2...it's the idea of having something on that says "MEDIUM" like a herald of bad news that makes me cringe. It's stupid. The fact is, most smalls are made for women much shorter than me. I am 5'8" and it's hard to find smalls that are 1.) long enough and 2.) wide enough in the bust (and I have NO BOOBS!)

Anyway, ordinarily it would deter me from enjoying my lunch, which consists of baked potato soup and an iced vanilla coffee...today though I will continue to enjoy them and merely grumble at the fact that the dress is just not for me.....at least not today. Why must we size things at all?

I mean, it's like giving a grade to a student. Is it REALLY necessary? Why can't we just NOT size clothes and then people have to try them on to see if they fit. I think it would be beneficial to businesses because how many times to we take something home without trying it on and realize we hate it, so we have to return it thus fucking up the traffic numbers for the store; all because we trusted a size tag on the garment? I think it happens a lot.

I suppose that concept would completely ruin the idea of monitor browsing...we would never be able to buy an item online. If the stores tried to "help" by saying, "if you typically wear a size 8, try this size" that would totally ruin the concept, because women would merely compare themselves that way.

We are always comparing ourselves, aren't we? To what? What the hell are we comparing ourselves to? Some ridiculous and completely IMAGINED idea of what we SHOULD be....how we SHOULD act? What the hell?

Does a woman ever truly LIVE anymore? Are we so consumed with outward appearances adn expectations in this day and age that we forget to live, so we are consumed with guilt for not grabbing life by it's horns while we were young enough to cause a little havoc? Wow...what a thought.

When I was a teenager, I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now and I caused a lot of havoc in the world back then. I was opinionated, creative, loving, bitchy, compassionate, etc. I also struggled with an eating disorder in between having a helluva lot of fun. I want that spunky, crazy girl back. I know she's in there and she wouldn't blink an eye at buying a medium...as a matter of fact, she would be browsing the Salvation Army for funky clothes she could alter to make her own. I want the eating disorder shit to leave my mind. I want to be free.

I want to be me.

That said, I just CAN'T buy the medium....I can't bring myself to do it. Dammit! I am so weak and pathetic. How on earth can I let something so insignificant affect an otherwise wonderful day? *grumble!*

Today is my son's 15th birthday. One the way home from getting the cake-baking essentials, I thought about the fact that in 5 years he'll be 20 years old. That's just....NUTS! I can't believe it! My goodness time flies. So anyway, I'm going to forget all this sizing bullshit and bake his cake and then don my bikini and get a few rays of sunshine on my deck in my nice, new slingback lounge chair. :)

Ta-ta for now.

2010-04-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

All around us is a world made up of energy that is scintillatingly alive...the problem is it is too often ignored in the endless human quest for happiness.

Today my goal is to make an effort to feel this energy, realize it is both divine, natural and humane. I want to understand that I am a part of it...I am made up of it. It is me, just as it is a tree....a flower, the babbling brook. It is everything.

We all, all things on Earth, are made up of the same energy. This is how all living things are connected on a molecular level. I think as humans, we tend to forget this.

Today I want to remember this. I want to revive my spirit.

Monday, Monday

2010-03-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

What a day to decide to take off to spend quality time with my kiddos. It's grey, gloomy and rainy outside. Ugh. The only good thing is it's a perfect day to go see a movie and that is our plan for later. However, I wish I had gone to work. The thing is, I promised the kids at the beginning of the year that I'd take a day off for their spring break since we have different break times. They chose today, even though the rest of the week is supposed to be beautiful. Oh well.

My back is killing me. One side is tight and makes it hard for me to turn my head to the left and the other side, under my arm is having spasms. Ugh. What the hell? I'm only 34!!! lol

Maybe I should just go chill with my kiddos and enjoy the lazy day, instead of regretting taking off. It's sad to have looked forward to a day off with them & then spend most of it wishing I hadn't. What a terrible thing!

That's it. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch with them and then we'll figure out what movie to see later. :)

Screams Within

2010-03-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

My husband asked, "What's wrong, honey?" as we sipped sake at our favorite Japanese restaurant on Friday night.

I turned my eyes from the window, where I gazed at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts, and smiled at him. "Nothing's wrong." I replied, honestly. there realyl was nothing wrong. My mind was turned to my work, on a particular student who that day insulted me. I generally don't care what students say about me, because they are 12/13 years old and are constantly saying things they don't really mean. It's a part of adolescence in America.

This particular student has given all the teachers on the team trouble except for me and I felt that we had a good teacher/student relationship going where he understood that I understood his situation and to be honest, I probably do understand more than the other teachers because of my childhood. Anyway, when he got mad and insulted me, I sent him out of the room very causally and went on with class...but it stuck with me. Honestly, I was pissed. However, my anger had nothing to do with him really, because my thought was something like this, "After all I've done for this kid, this is how he repays me?!" That is more about pride than the student.

He hurt my pride.
There is really no room for pride in life and especially not when working with children. That student reminded me to be humble.

As we sat at the table, my husband replied, "I know what it is: it got cold." He may have a point. My mood is very affected by the weather and, except for yesterday, this week has been cold and somewhat cloudy. I don't know if he was right this time, but he may have a point.

There are so many things going on in my head these days that it's hard to get it all out here on this blog. I'm consumed with so much that, in a way, I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. My eyes are constantly turned outward. I seldom have time to consider how I'm feeling inside. It's hard to consider my place in this world because I am worried about deadlines, children, my husband, my home, etc.

It leaves me wondering: who the hell am I?

It is dangerous to lose oneself, at least it's dangerous for me to lose myself. I tend to go to extremes when this happens.

Of late I am drinking too much and eating too little. A student said the other day, "No offense, Mrs. Grimsley, but do you ever eat?"

It was a strange thing to ask a teacher out of the blue and I lied to him, of course. I eat better than I have in the past, but I am not taking very good care of myself. I don't know why. I just do what I do. It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I LIKE being slender. I LIKE wearing the size clothes I wear. I LIKE looking in the mirror and thinking my figure looks statuesque. Is that bad?

That said, I don't think I look good. To mean, Jennifer Lopez looks good. I love womanly curves....on others; not on me. I don't know why. My husband is not a big guy and that bothers me sometimes too. I want to be small compared to him. Stupid, I know.

I think this post proves that I'm ready for Spring Break. I need a little time to myself, to reorganize my thinking and rejuvenate my spirit. Perhaps if I can't get in a proper vacation, I'll at least get a room somewhere so I can have a little getaway.

2010-03-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

I attended a very interesting seminar last night at UK. It was for Invisible Children, which helps orphaned children in Uganda whose parents have (often times) been killed by the rebels.

I was very touched and moved by the presentation. They showed us ROUGH CUT, which told the story of a few of the children who, at that time, (2006) were homeless and sleeping in the bus station, doing homework by candlelight. I was so moved and then at the end, a very attractive young man with dark skin and a smile that lit up the room took the microphone. He said with a wave, "Hi. I am who they call Boni." He was one of the children from the film! He is now 19 and he is hoping to attend a university.

He was abducted by the rebels and had to live in the bush for two weeks where they tried to desensitize him to violence and killing. He escaped and lived a homeless life for a while before the rebels finally moved on. They are now in Sudan and other places.

They have a website...I encourage you to visit:

www.invisiblechildren.com

Going to that seminar has changed my life. It really has. Talking to Boni afterward was so nice too. He hopes to become a priest and then a journalist.

2010-02-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Went out last night with a friend of mine for my birthday.
It was a great time...

We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.

I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.

He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.

We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.

Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...

I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.
:(

2010-02-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

Of late I have been extremely lazy/depressed and nothing I do...not that I've tried to do much, seems to help. The fact that it is freaking freezing outside and we have about 6 inches or so of snow on the ground certainly doesn't help matters. Ugh.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this?

Longing

2010-01-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

I've been really busy today, but nothing I did involved going outside except going to 5 Guys to get a late lunch.

I find I'm missing something....someone....some place. I don't know who or what it is. I just feel a terrible longing inside my heart these days.

Maybe it's the warm summer breeze I miss. Maybe it's outdoor activities. Maybe it's something I've never even experienced. I do not know what I miss. Something. I just can't figure it out...it happens often, but not so often that I feel unhappy with my life. I love my life.

I sometimes wish my family lived somewhere else. My husband...he's always so afraid to start somewhere else...it really annoys me. I am tired of living here, but with the economy the way it is, selling our house would be very difficult. Hmmmm.

2010

2010-01-10T17:30:00.001-08:00

I've started 2010 off with three movies in the theater...this is VERY rare for me. I seldom hit the cinema, but I'm happy I have. I saw The Blind Side, Sherlock Holmes and tonight I saw Avatar 3D. All were great, but Avatar is my favorite of the season. I LOVED it and want to see it again with BOTH of my sons. tonight Tristan and I went because Caleb was at a friend's house for the weekend.

Wonderful film...I highly recommend it. :)

One of my students.

2009-08-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have a student who suffers from anorexia. It's so sad to me. What makes me even more sad is the fact that I know what she's going through and I wish I could tell her that I too have been there, but I can't do that because I don't believe it's professional. All I can do is be a good teacher to her and help her if ever she asks me.

In the meantime, I also make sure she's always carrying her water bottle and lunch box with her so she stays hydrated and has food throughout the day. I don't know that she actually eats the snacks though and I don't want to push her.

She is so thin and this illness has affected her to the point that she has lost some of her hair. (not noticeable though). I just want to hug her and tell her that she is wonderful, just for being who she is. I wish I could heal her, but I know it's not that easy. :( It's just so sad because she's only 13 years old....I can only be a good role model to her and support her as needed.

Ugh...

2009-08-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

So since starting my job, I've been unable to eat more than one small meal and because of that I'm losing weight. I'm not sorry, except that by about 2pm I'm VERY tired and honestly feeling rather dizzy. It's amazing how week I've gotten as I've gotten older. The young me would have been able to take this in a stride.

I say I'm not sorry, but also, I'm not trying to do this on purpose. I just have so much on my mind and when we have lunch at school, by the time I get the kids to the cafe and I get back to class, I only have a bout 5 minutes to eat. It's not possible to eat a meal. I'm not complaining too much because I believe I needed to lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to get sick again.

:(

I just want to feel comfortable again....right now I don't feel comfortable. I feel stressed, out of sorts and otherwise exhausted.

I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to be the good Me again...but how can I when my mind is constantly occupied? I'm sure this is only a phase, so I'm not too worried about it...well, maybe a little.

Please, goddess, help me to stay healthy. Help me to put my health first instead of last. Please help me to eat and nourish my body in a healthy way that will help me accomplish my daily goals without being feebly exhausted.

Nerves, Anxiety and Appetite

2009-08-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I feel lonely, I want to block everyone out. I don't know why, as this is very counter-productive, but it's like a reflex...almost as if I'm saying, "you didn't forget me, I forgot you." I wonder if this has anything to do with my childhood and feelings of abandonment...so it's a protection from feeling abandoned as an adult. hmm. Interesting thought.

Not only am I feeling lonely right now, but I'm also feeling very overwhelmed. My job is about to begin (basically an aspect of it already has) and I'm nervous and excited. My stress levels are really high and I find myself often taking shallow breaths and find that my stomach muscles are very tight. Might be great for the abs, but not for relaxation! lol In addition to that, my appetite has been affected to the point that I hardly think about eating because I am in "survival mode." I think the body naturally does that. I think when we get stressed and all that adrenaline is pumping, the body naturally doesn't want to do things like digest food, which would take up what it perceives to be necessary energy. Of course, I am not everyone, so I don't really know how it is for anyone but me. It's just a theory I've come up with. Of course I know I must eat and so I do, but not like I should. I'm afraid of the ramifications of this. I need to keep my energy up so I don't crash and burn in the beginning of my job!

This is probably why in the past when I've started a new job I've gotten sick within a few weeks...it's because I allow myself to get stressed to the max and I don't eat like I should. It's just hard and when my husband (who eats a lot) isn't here, I tend to forget to eat. He's been gone all this week, so eating once a day for me is sort of the norm right now. Ugh. Why can't I just get myself together? Why am I such a hot mess?

I'll just be really happy when the first day of school gets here and I get to meet the students. I feel like once I'm in front of them, doing my thing, I'll be fine again. In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can and taking vitamins as a precaution.

Happiness and sadness all wrapped up in a moment.

2009-06-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a day when you feel both happy and sad at the same time? I'm having a day like that today. I feel as though I could burst into tears at any minute and for no particular reason. Maybe my love for my husband is too much to bear. Maybe I feel sad because human beings are so cruel to one another. Maybe my children make me smile too wide. Maybe a flower is just the perfect shade of yellow: like a little touch of sunshine in a sea of pink yarrow.

I don't know what it is...I don't know why I sometimes feel this way. It makes no sense. A song, even one I've never heard can bring tears to my eyes. I feel too consumed with beauty right now. I'm like a weirdo for sure! I know it's not normal.

Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who can just waltz through life in stiletto heels and a smile and not think of anything outside myself, but I can't be that person. I see everything. I notice all the things that don't matter in and of themselves, but without which, no image could exist. I notice the breeze and the way it sways through the trees, almost like waves and if I close my eyes and listen, I could be sitting near the sea. I notice the lovely blue heads of the despised blackbird my husband always wants to shoot. I see the fairy-like iridescent wings of the lace wing and I cannot help but believe that THAT insect is where the fairy ideas originated. It really is a beautiful insect and I feel I am insulting it by referring to it (usually I think of each of them as "she") as an insect.

Have you noticed how the fly is constantly cleaning itself? He'll clean first his front legs and then with the grace a ballerina could only dream of, he lifts his back legs and begins to clean those as well. I wonder what he thinks of me as I peer down on him...he with his many lenses in his eyes...I probably look like a strange army.

Now the feeling of tears has past and I'm thankful for that. Perhaps from now on when I feel this way, I'll just write it out and let it flow from me.

Marriage Equality: Love knows no bounds

2009-05-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

Love knows no bounds.

My husband and I are proof of that. We instantly fell in love when I was 14 years old and maintained a long-distant relationship for several years. During this time, we talked a LOT through expensive long-distant phone calls and lots and lots of letters, some of which Scott sent with painted envelopes that contained a cool new cassette or a flier from a recent show. Mine often contained things too, but never anything nearly as cool. :)

Through a misunderstanding (not going to elaborate here), we separated and were apart for 10 years. During that time we never spoke to one another. He dated a girl for that time and I had a terrible relationship, had two children and then had a fairly good relationship. I never stopped thinking of Scott and I hoped that wherever he was, he was happy.

Then one day, his cousin (and my best friend0 emailed me and said, "I saw RSG. He wants your email address." When I read that I cried. I literally just broke down in tears and didn't know why. Nothing had even happened yet!

We emailed each other and called often, with the first call being from me and Scott answering with, "Hello?"
I said, "Scott?"
He then replied, "Oh shit."

Ha!

We met again in May 2003 when he and his mother came to Kentucky for a visit. I remember very well talking to Diana in the living room of her parents' house while I anxiously (pretending to be patient) waited for Scott to come downstairs. When I saw him, he smiled and put his arms around me and while I know his mother was saying something to us, I have no idea what she said. The rest of the world literally fell away and it was just Scott and me. It was straight up like a movie scene where the couple is in a bubble and everything around them becomes blurred.

A year later he moved to Kentucky and we were married in 2006, on the beach in Maui. Just us. Perfect.

Many people would say that what happened to us just couldn't happen, but it did. It's a scenario directors, producers and writers dream up...but it really happened to us.

Love is bigger than us. It's not something we choose. It just is what it is and it happens the way it does.

Love knows no bounds.

It's sad to me that there are thousands of people out there who are completely in love with one another (some for decades or more) but they are not allowed to marry one another simply because they are of the same sex.

In our country's past, marriage was once denied to slaves as well and/or allowed more to humor the slaves than as a legal union. Their marriages were often divided through sale and/or early death. They were not considered equal, by law.

The law then stated that "all men are created equal;" however, "men" did not mean Mankind, as it does today. At that time it only included white males. The definition and connotation of the word "men" had to be changed to include men and women of all races, ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds.

What makes the issue of marriage equality difficult is that the defense is based on faith and faith alone. Well, faith and outright prejudice by some as well. Faith is something a person believes and it cannot be proven by law. Many people would argue that I'm wrong about that. They would say, "the Bible says..." just as slave owners once said, "the Bible says that there are groups who are to be subservient to others." That's how they justified chattel slavery and that is how groups today are justifying a ban on gay marriage.

My problem with this is, say you're a Christian....OK. Sure, you believe homosexuality is a sin. Fine. Do you not also believe "thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged," and "he who is without sin cast the first stone?" Who are you to judge another? Why are you so against a couple marrying? So you say, "they are sinning!"

Well, according to your own beliefs, so are you....every single day of your life and according to your beliefs, sin is sin is sin.

Love knows no bounds.

There are so many people out there who have been in a loving and monogamous relationship for decades (and even longer) who are unable to get married because they are of the same sex. The thing that bothers me so much is that there are so many heterosexual couples who took their own marriages fro granted. Many recited vows that they failed to really even look at before they said them to one another. Others were too hungover from the night before to even remember saying the vows at all! In addition to that, heterosexuals have taken marriage so for granted that they go into marriage with the idea that they can just get divorced if it doesn't work out. Still others are treating their spouses poorly, paying for prostitutes and having extra-marital affairs. It happens all the time.

These same people are banning loving couples from marrying one another.

Love knows no bounds.
I say marriage should be redefined as: a legal union between two people.
Period.

A Pinch of Melancholy

2009-05-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had entirely too much leisure time on my hands and it's caused my mood to become rather melancholy. Ugh.

I want to have some fun, but I have no money with which to have fun and besides, I'd like to have some family fun for once, but no one is ever up for it here. Caleb wants to do his own thing, Tristan wants to do his own thing and Scott wants to do his own thing as well. I mean, that's not to say that Scott and I don't do things together...we do. However, we seldom do things as a family and it makes me sad. I want to spend more time with all my guys.

So I'm home alone, watching a movie I've already seen at least three times.

2009-05-24T15:24:00.001-07:00

My family and I enjoyed a lovely and peaceful hike today, along the Kentucky Palisades.

Is it really necessary to be careful what I say?

2009-05-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

Thinking perhaps I need to watch the things I say around others. About a week ago my husband and I were at a graduation party for our friend, Julia, who earned her doctorate in some sort of genetics-based mathematics and she was also offered (and accepted) a job with the National Science Foundation as a full-time researcher for something to do with cancer and genetics....so strange that I know someone THAT intelligent!

ANYWHO, while we were there, a drunk professor of mathematics was talking and singing with a 10 year old little girl who attends the School for the Creative and Performing Arts and I was listening to their conversation as I sipped my red wine beneath the canopy of a lovely Redbud tree. Well, I looked to the little girls' dad and said, "She's such an old soul." I really meant it and I still do. She is so intelligent and so beyond her years. It was wonderful to sit and chat with her...I wonder, however how she is able to get along with other 10-year old children.

Anyway, her dad replied, "Well we are very spiritual." A few moments later he was discussing their religion and I realized I need to be more conscious of what I'm saying so I don't offend anyone.

Then again, do I? Is it necessary to always consider what others feel is appropriate before I say or do something? You know, my ideas and beliefs are not typical of those around me. Even to my own husband my ideas lean to the ridiculous. To me, however they are very real and mean a lot to me. I can't help that I don't believe this is our only life to live. I can't help it that I see divinity in all things around me. I just do. I can't help that I believed that little girl is an old soul. How many 10-year olds can have a rather in-depth conversation with a math professor? Sure he was drunk, but still! I don't know many children who can do that.

She was also a writer...and the way she talks with me about developing her characters was very mature. I was impressed with her and it was a joy to me that she was eager to hear my suggestions and encouragement. I guess I am a teacher at all times, much like I am a parent at all times.

I'm still not sure if it's necessary to be careful of talking about my personal beliefs to others...the only reason I feel I should be careful is I don't want to be discredited because of my ideas. So many people in my area are Christians...and judgmental ones to boot and I know they would laugh at me and immediately discredit anything else I say. That bothers me when it really shouldn't. The funny part is that my ideas are not that much different than theirs. I believe in unconditional love and forgiveness. I believe in god, only I also believe in goddess. I believe in doing onto others as I'd have them do to me. I believe in taking care of the Earth and everyone around me that I'm able to help in any way. I believe there is life after death, only I believe we come back to Earth to live again.

My ideas are not so different.
I just know that I'd be treated like and outcast and I really don't want to be. I want to be accepted for who I am, NOT for what I believe or don't believe.

Job and summer

2009-04-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for summer and thankful that I have a job that still allows summer to be a thing to look forward to. :)

Thank goodness I have a job starting in August. So many others are losing jobs or cannot find jobs. My blessing is certainly not being taken for granted. I am super thankful!!!

Caleb's Birthday...the big 14!

2009-04-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

It's a cold and rainy,snowy, haily, sleety day here in Central Kentucky. Wow. Crazy, but it's a tradition...every year for Caleb's birthday, we get rain and snow mix. Ugh.

Oh well.

Caleb had a nice birthday, but he has a headache and his belly is hurting, so he went to bed early. I hope he feels better tomorrow. My husband is going to the doctor tomorrow, so if Caleb's still not feeling better, they can go together.

I have an interview tomorrow morning with a school in a county nearby. I'm excited and nervous. My portfolio is together and I actually feel sort of proud of it...you know. I worked really hard on it and it's sort of nice to see everything together in one binder. Wow. I think I'll be happy to show it off tomorrow.

Must go to bed....need good nights rest.

Ugh.

2009-04-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

So it's raining and the wind is blowing like mad outside, so I'm sort of hibernating today. I've accomplished a lot of work today though, so that's a positive spin on an otherwise uneventful day. I'm currently working on lessons for a poetry unit based on Harlem Renaissance poems. It's nearly completed.

My gardens are coming to life...the hostas are poking through the soil (actually up about 2 inches so far). My other plants are doing well also, including the lemon balm, mint, coneflowers, irises (which I can't wait to see!!) and my toad lily is looking great also. :) I still feel somewhat dissatisfied with it. It seems misshapen or something. Then again, the garden really is basically in it's first year, so I need to chill and enjoy watching it mature.

I feel rather under the weather today...slow and lethargic. My head hurts and my body just feels heavy and worn out. Ugh. Maybe it's the weather...but I don't know.

2009-03-30T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I was here last. I've ended my infatuation with MySpace. Like all infatuations, it became boring. It lasted quite a long time. Four years! But I'm finished with it officially. I've now become a fan of Facebook and Twitter. Well, I'd not call me a FAN of Twitter, but I'm messing with it for now. Maybe I'll learn to like it.

My newest favorite author these days is George Ella Lyon. She's a Kentucky native and she has a wonderful voice and presence. She recently visited my LIS 510 class at the University of Kentucky and she was wonderful. She inspired me...although recently I've not made much time to write. Not sure why, but it just hasn't happened. I thought getting this laptop would help with that, but it hasn't. I'm not good at ignoring the distractions that are the WWW. hmmm.....

I graduate in about one month and I absolutely cannot wait! I'm so very ready to say goodbye to student life and start my career. I'm truly looking forward to it. My husband is probably looking forward to the extra financial assstance as well. ;)

Hmm

2008-09-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling tired, angry and in general very unhappy lately. I don't know why, but I feel dissatisfied with pretty much everything in my life right now. EVERYTHING.

It's weird and unsettling.

Not sure what to do.

Lonely

2008-09-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel really lonely. Today I do a bit and you know, I didn't even notice it until I was meditating and it just came to me. I've been feeling weird lately and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me. Well, I realized I feel lonely.

Feeling lonely is a strange feeling, especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you and when you are in a room of people. Loneliness has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with where you are. It has to do with something deeper, something untouchable.

I noticed myself beginning to feel insecure and self-conscious. I've begun to feel like I'm inadequate and I don't know what brought on these feelings. Maybe I wore myself out. Maybe I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head and should seek medical attention. I don't know. Maybe I just started to feel lonely and ignored it for too long so it showed itself in other, more obvious ways so I'd open my eyes and pay attention.

The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered. I'll definitely not tell my husband I feel lonely because he'll smother me and that's not what I want at all. What DO I want?

I don't know. Maybe .......

I really and truly don't know. I think I'll give it more thought. I do feel better simply having recognized the sitution, but it needs to be dealt with as well. Since I discovered it while meditating, maybe I'll work through it while meditating as well.

Writing

2008-09-02T04:15:00.000-07:00

I'm revisiting a story I started last year. I think it's okay....(and it'll have to be even if it isn't) to leave a wtory and return to it later. I have so many "dusty" computer files with stories I've started and never finished and I used to think this was indicative of my flighty nature and showed my lack of focus, but I never thought about the fact that I DID save them. They aren't forgotten. I've just put them away for safe keeping until I am ready to revisit them....like I did this morning.

I was sort of surprised that I could pick back up with it. It wasn't hard at all and I wrote another two pages. I guess if I revisit it more frequently and just write to see where it'll take me, I'll have a decent story going by the end of the year. I'm excited about this story. They say to write what you know and that's what I'm doing. I'm adding things from my life, things I've seen, things I've felt and I'm mixing them with things I wish I had known. It's fun.

Today.....writtien on a stone the desk of some writer I don't remember.

2008-09-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

I've had a nice morning so far. Made breakfast for my sons and their two friends, watered the flowers and finished a reading assignment.

The only thing I have to do today is go to Kennedy's and pick up my final textbook, read three chapters from it and do an introduction letter. Then, I'm free. I will go to the bookstore later and relax for a while. Tonight I'll do the assignment. I don't want to rush or freak out about it. I'll get it done. No big deal.

If you've never tried Google SketchUp, you should give it a whirl. It's a fun, 3D program where you can build houses, classrooms, design and outdoor space...etc. I'm using it for a class and it's pretty cool. Google has all sorts of way cool programs now. I love it. I started using the Google Reader, because there are several websites that I visit on a regular basis and in Reader, you can add subscriptions and have the recent stories sent there. They're all together and you can read them without having to visit many different websites. It's pretty cool.

Fun gadgets. :)

So I've been in a funk lately. I know it's cyclic and I know it'll pass, but I hate it. I don't want to be bothered. My libido is basically DEAD.....a fact that doesn't make my husband (or me) very happy. WTF? Why does this happen? I dreamed that I was given Prosac and all my problems disappeared. hmmmmm......I wonder if it could be that easy. It's food for thought.

The same night though I dreamed I was visited by a ghost who told me as I slept (in the dream I was asleep as well) that her name was Amy. I woke up saying her name. It was weird to say the least. To simply dream about being asleep is sort of creepy to me. Too horror film for me.

Anyway. I want to take a bike ride today, but I really want to go to the arboretum and I haven't gotten my bike rack yet, so I will just limit myself to the neighborhood.....my knees aren't strong enough to go any further. I'll take the bike path, relax and just keep at it until I'm strong enough to venture further. What a cool thing that will be! I could ride to the grocery store or Walmart or something for a quick shopping trip. :) Yay.

New Bike

2008-08-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

I bought a bike today! I love, love, love it.

Caleb and I took a short bike ride and I think that's how I'll begin, as my knees aren't used to the motion yet. It's amazing what we can do as kids and then our adult bodies forget! ha!

My goal is to ride to as many places as I can and not use my car as often. We'll see how it goes. Even if I only use the bike for pleasure, it'll be well worth the money. :)

It's an ice blue mountain bike...I'd post a pic, but my batteries just died.

hmmmm

2008-08-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Wine is good.

I'll start by saying that. More than that though, wine and a quiet house is VERY good.
Why do they say that drinking alone is bad?
I think it's super FAB. hehe.

Seriously though.....I feel myself falling or rather gliding (as "falling" sounds negative) into a quiet, reposed and solitude mentality. I feel the need to be left alone to fight my challenges and hopefully overcome them.

It seems life is about challenges. When we conquer one, we receive another and strength and wisdom is gained each time....even when we fail, we gain wisdom. It's always win/win, if we listen.

I have the tendency to be self-destructive. If not one way, then another and another.....no matter what, there is always a vice gripping me. Sometimes it's not so strong and other times it's very annoying. These days though I have to say that I have a handle on most of my vices.....all except one that I'll not speak about and drinking...which I enjoy. They are my vices and only one is humiliating to me.

I know in my heart that to acknowledge something is to take away it's power, but I cannot speak of it. I need a hypnotist to help me, I think. It would be nice if it were that easy. :) Likely though it'll take work like quitting smoking and ridding my life of an ED.

I want to be free. I cannot remember being totally free...without worry, without self-consciousness. Am I not to be totally free? Am I to always have an internal battle? If so, I can deal with it. I only wish to know.

If I only knew what I was to deal with, I could better prepare.....

and I know I sound insane, but I really don't give a flying fuck.
hehe.

Thoughts

2008-08-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's weird.

I'm at a point in my life when I have no internal conflict. I am, at this time, without self-hate or self-destructive thoughts. I haven't experienced this before and I am at a loss of words. It's strange, but I feel sort of out of place. lol.

However, I find that without my self-destructive thoughts, I am able to turn outward....to mother nature, to friends, to my husband and children...and give more. I just have to remember that even when able to give to others, I cannot neglect myself. Sure, there is no immediate need to turn attention inward, but I can't begin to neglect myself.

Why am I saying this?

It almost feels like a warning to myself...don't run yourself down, don't forget to have Theresa time, don't forget to breathe and meditate, don't forget to give yourself the love you deserve.

It's easy to forget.

Yesterday I did take time for me. I took a hike and loved every minute of it. It was great to be with nature. There were other people on the trail though, being loud and it annoyed me. I really hoped for quiet, alone time. Perhaps I'll hike tomorrow while the kids are in school. I just want to get away. Where no one knows where I am. I just want to hide for an afternoon and come back refreshed and ready to conquer whatever comes my way.

All I've done today is sew and watch movies. That's it and that's all.
I almost feel guilty, except that I know classes start next week and so I should enjoy doing nothing while I can do it.

Women!

2008-08-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd find a spiritual path that would make me genuinely happy. I've always held doubts about religion and still do. I think religion is simply a social network with the main goal of making money. Spirituality is a different story. I have a lot of respect for spirituality.

I believe I am a spiritual person, but not really a religious person. I have begun to and feel most comfortable believing in both a god and goddess...because in all mammals and many, many other animals, both male and female are required. Why would it be any different with humans...why should the male take precedence over the female? I do not like that. That is the main reason I denounced Christianity...I got tired of hearing how "evil" females are. It's just not right.....I think it was a fabrication created during King James' reign, when women were considered less than men and women were generally considered hysterical and insane or evil. Women were taught that they were inherently evil and basically worthless...they were taught that their yearnings were evil. It was all wrong.

Women are not evil. Women are not inferior to men. It's time for women to take their rightful position in this world. Empower yourself. Embrace your womanhood. Do not buy into the lies we have been fed for centuries and continue to be fed through the media.

Be who you are...no matter what that is.
Today I have blemishes on my face...most likely from stress. Maybe from PMS...whatever. All day I worried about them adn worry only makes it worse. You know what, it doesn't matter if I have blemishes! Who cares?! Yeah, maybe I'll be uncomfortable for a while, but they'll pass and life will go on. Tomorrow I'm not going to hide behind my hair....or makeup. I'm going to just be me. Natural. Pure. Beautiful. Woman.

All women are beautiful to me. All shapes, all sizes, all colors, all heights, ALL women are beautiful. My wish tonight is that women will realize their beauty and stop trying to live up to what someone else thinks is beautiful. You know, there are so many young girls out there who are killing themselves to look the way they think others want them to look. It's terribly sad. It's so sad that they are being taught that their natural selves.......natural selves....are not enough. The goddess doesn't make bad things. She doesn't make ugly things.....from her comes only beauty and all women embody her. That is my opinion. If you believe in god, then the same thing goes for him. He does not make ugly things....all things are beautiful because they are from him. They embody him.

I still sometimes struggle with this and I believe it's because I've basically been brainwashed by the media, my mother and most of the other women I've known. All my life, I've heard women obsess about their bodies, whether their skin, their weight, their height, their shoe size....etc. All in a negative way that I believe that to be The Way. The thing is, they were brainwashed by the media too.

Maybe loving oneself as is just isn't glamorous enough....people always want to be "better." People are never quite happy enough with what they have....they always want what someone else has.

But the truth is something I used to say as a teenager and I think they are wise words.......

"Happiness is not in what you can acquire, but in what you already possess."

So, that said, here are a few words to me and all the wonderful women I know:

You
Are
All
You
Need.

You
Are
Beautifully
Made.

You
Are
A
Miracle.

You
Deserve
To
Be
Loved
By
You.

2008-08-10T19:15:00.001-07:00

Caleb "holding up" the arch. :)

We hiked at Red River Gorge on Saturday.

Tristan and Caleb.

Scott, Tristan and Caleb

Quilt I've been working on...it's pieced together now though.

Cool tree at Red River Gorge

It's been a nice day.

I've quilted most of the day and finished the quilt top for Cara and Kelly. I did take off a few hours though and visited Gramma and Grandad and helped her pick peaches from her overloaded peach tree! It's so loaded (even still) that the branches are touching the ground. It's amazing. We had a nice time. The weather was great and her company is always a treat.

I'm sort of feeling grumpy today. I don't know why. No reason in particular...just grumpy. I'm sure it'll pass. Maybe I need a little quiet time. I've been so busy I've hardly spent any of my time in quiet....just being. I need time like that and sometimes I forget. I have caught myself saying..."I'll make time for meditation tomorrow" and then I don't do it at all and I say it again the next day. I'm the type of person who must have meditation time and I'm neglecting myself.

My professor keeps emailing me (the whole class) and while he's probably excited to begin his first semester at UK, I'm not ready to let go of my summer...so I've looked at the email and even though he wants us to download a couple of programs and familiarize ourselves with them, I'm in no mood and I've not even begun to do that. Ugh...as if I want to start school work BEFORE the semester begins? What the hell? I want to say...in the words of Bridget Jones....BUGGER OFF! hehe.

I weighed myself today...the first time in a long time. What sort of bothered me was that I was pleasantly surprised by my weight. How annoying that I still have a reaction to a stupid fucking number that doesn't mean a fucking thing about who I am as a person. It's so stupid and annoys the hell out of me. I mean, a stupid number made me happy, even if only for a moment. What if it had been higher? Would I have been sad or upset? I don't know.....While I do not react physically to the number...meaning I don't adjust my eating accordingly, it is annoying to me that my emotions are still attached to that number, even in such a small way. What the hell? It ticks me off. Still though, this is the only time I've even thought of it all day except for the 2 seconds after I weighed myself, so that's an accomplishment compared to my past experience. So anyway...thought I'd get that out of my system.

I want cabernet sauvignon. :)

Scott leaves for New Mexico tomorrow. In a way I'm looking forward to a little T. time, but I always hate when he leaves. At least it's only until Thursday.

The kids are actually excited about starting school this year. Crazy. I can't believe the summer is coming to a close....it's a little sad. I'm not ready this year. I'm sort of ready for sweater weather....not cold, but a little chilly would be good....but I'm not ready for school to start back. Ugh. All that work and no time to do things I enjoy. Oh well. That's life and this is my last semester of classes. After this one, I'm student teaching and then hopefully employeed by next August!

Word

2008-08-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired tonight, but I feel restless, so this may be a long night of insomnia for me. I hope not. Maybe I'll make some chamomile tea to help me sleep. It always works. :)

I've had another busy day....working on the quilt and I also made another purse, bought materials for shipping lip balm (the right way, not just the envelope like I did for the freebies...sorry for that ladies). I got cute boxes and stuff. I liked the final product. How exciting to make a sale...thanks Angie! She said you sent her and that makes me really happy. That's how I want it to go...like a grassroots thing.

So, my house is a mess, but I really don't care. Well, I do, but not enough to do anything about it yet. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! I may clean then, but then again I may just sew....Saturday we're going hiking...I can't wait! Colorado definitely inspired Scott and I to get out and enjoy Kentucky's mountains instead of taking them for granted. It'll be a fun day.

Maybe I'll clean on Sunday???? lol

Blahh, blahh.

2008-08-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why on earth I have this blog, but whatever.

Today has been rather productive. I'm working on a quilt for my brother and sister in law. It's of Colorado...at least it's meant to represent what I saw on the way to Ouray. I was inspired. :)

I've also been working on a new purse and drinking beer. lol. What I really want is a glass of cabernet. :D Oh yeah.

So anyway, I set up a website to sell my stuff and it's been fun. So far no takers, but that's okay. I don't mind. I'm having fun and that's what matters most. I just really love making the stuff!!! :)

So school starts in one week fo the boys and I start on the 27. I'm somewhat excited and somewhat not. I'm just having such a great summer that it's a shame for it to end. BUT....with the beginning of school, I know Halloween is just around the corner and that makes me happy. I think I'd like to have an end of summer garden party though. It might be fun.

We'll see...I have a lot on my plate as it is. :)

Colorado

2008-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

Red Mountain

Our "friend"

Scottie and I

The beautiful Aspen trees

Our car on a cliff at Yankee Boy Basin

Red Mountain

We had a glorious time!!! We did tons of hiking...which was difficult at the higher altitude, but we had a blast! If you ever get a chance, visit Colorado. I've never seen such a vasta array of landscapes within a 2 hour drive. Crazy.

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. Cara was stunning.

2008-07-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

Work went well....it was quick and I was busy. What I love about that job is that it's a great workout! ;) I swear, I think I go up and down the stairs at least 10 times a day. It's crazy. No one was home today, so that made it even better.

The jeans I have on are too tight. I've had them since the crazy days of ridiculous fasting, binging/purging....self-hatred, etc. I think I need to discard them. What I'd like to do is make them into something good......Maybe I'll make a quilt and make it with loving thoughts....and I'll use the denim for random squares and I'll embroider favorite quotes on the denim squares! Hell yes, that's what I'm going to do and I'll leave it out on the couch to snuggle in on cold wintry days. No more wearing these damned pants and feeling bad for having FABULOUS curves. lol....hey, new life....new mindset. :) There is nothing better than being about to laugh at oneself.

Today I made 10 lip balms....spearmint and coconut. They are all labeled and packaged. I love making them and I finally hammered out a recipe, so now I have a standard to go by and I don't have to worry about testing each batch. Yay.

So much fun. :)

Waning

2008-07-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

As the moon wanes, I feel my energy wane as well. I guess the moon serves as a lesson for me. There is a time to be energetic and a time to turn inward and be quiet. I am in the quiet, introverted stage. The difficult part about it is I have the trip coming up and there will be lots of excitement and socializing. I know I will enjoy it and I'm excited to see everyone. I also know that I'll likely feel extra worn out when I get home, because situations, whether positive or negative have an effect.

To help with this, I'm going to try to relax as much as possible for the next two days. I have to work, but only for three hours each day, so I can relax when I get home. I think a bit of exercise will do me good too. I've been rather lethargic the last week or so, so maybe a walk or a light jog will help boost my energy level.

I'm wide awake tonight...too much coffee this afternoon, so it'll likely be a long night for me. It's okay though. I'll make it. I always do. :)

I just feel strange.
I don't necessarily feel like socializing, but I am restless. It's odd and I just feel out of sorts. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Other than this strange restlessness, I am feeling pretty good. I think I am finally comfortable being who I am. It's a strange feeling really. Part of me thinks it's wrong to be satisfied to be myself.....how funny to say that! I mean, I was brought up to think that confidence equated vanity or conceit and loving oneself was the ultimate sin. I am learning that this is not true. I think to love oneself is the first step to happiness and loving others.

That said, there is always room for improvement and let me tell you, I have a large room for it! :)

Sisters

2008-07-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

My sister and I.

Scott's sister and brother. She's the one who is expecting.

A swallowtail has been enhoying the zinnias and coneflowers for the last half hour by my deck. Having butterflies in my yard is such a wonderful thing. I love it.

I've been working on the quilt for my soon-to-be-niece. It's going slower than I thought, but I've been busy with other things as well, so it's hard to concentrate on it. Now that the bathroom is finished, I can focus on it more. I'm nearly finished appliquing the second turtle, so that's a good thing. I might only do 2 turtles so I can be sure it'll be finished when the baby comes. I'm so excited!! I'll get to see Holly this week in Colorado when Kelly and Cara get married. I'm sure she's adorable with her baby bump!!! She is a darling girl. I love her dearly. She smiles all the time and she is always kind and generous.

My sister is having trouble now. She has to have a colonoscopy to see if she has either colon cancer or Chrones Disease.....if neither of those, then she has IBS. The scary part is she's been having trouble for about 5 years, so whatever it is could be very advanced. I'm trying to think on the positive side, but it's hard when facing something so scary and potentially life threatening. I even said the most cliche thing to my sister because I had no idea what else to say...I told her to try not to worry about it until she knows what's going on. Of course that's not possible. I'm scared. I'm mostly scared because I have a really bad feeling and have for several months. I told her the day she and my mom went out to promise to go to the doctor as soon as possible. I just have a bad feeling and I can't shake it. I hope my intuition is wrong this time. I really and truly do. She's so young.....she doesn't deserve this.

In the meantime, I keep sending her good thoughts and I just ask for healing. I love her so much.

The bathroom is finished!

2008-07-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

Yay! The bathroom is completed!
Scott and I are so relieved...it looks GREAT too, so our hard work paid off.
I'll post a pic as soon as I get a chance.

Home Work

2008-07-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired to write poetry lately, so most of my new posts are there....see my profile page.

Today was interesting. I started out wanting to chill, because it was stormy and what better time to relax than when it's stormy! I love that. Anyway, the weather cleared up and Scott was talking about doing the bathroom...finally working on it after a week break (for me, not him). So, I went to Lowe's and bought the paint.

I'm probably the world's worst painter and I'm not afraid to say it. Because I am so terrible at it, it is a daunting and dreaded task for me. I strongly dislike it. If I were good at it, I might like it, but that's not the case. So anyway, it's looking good but because I suck at painting I'll have to do another coat so it looks nice. Shouldn't take long though and it'll be finished.

Then....no painting for at least a year!

Angie, how on earth you painted all that in your house, I'll never know!
You are amazing.

:)

Babbling Brook

2008-07-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

One of Kentucky's natural wonders.

Natural Bridge

Yesterday was awesome. I took my kids to their friends' house for the night and I visited my friend's fabric store. I bought new fabric and notions and we chatted for at least an hour. We may be going to a dyeing class together in August, which would be so much fun. I may also be attending her natural dyeing class in September. I think I'll do that no matter what, because she's awesome and I'm sure the class will be fun.

While I was there I saw an old friend, Alson Cole. He told a funny story about and owl being in the cabin he's housesitting! It was funny and Alson has a great way of using his hands when he tells a story that makes it all the more interesting and hilarious. It was great to see him. Anyway, he was there because he is learning to make a quilt. It's his first one.

It was just a really cool moment. I was in a small room, surrounded by fabric and old friends from high school and we all had one thing in common...quilting. I loved it. I think that is one of my favorite moments of the summer.

Heather is such a dear friend of mine. I adore her. I wish we could hang out, but she is married to Ben, who is my ex-boyfriend and Scott says he's not comfortable hanging out with him. All I keep thinking is....who cares if he and I dated?? I love his wife! :) She and I were in band together and we have SO much in common. I adore her. So I guess if we hang out it'll only be me and her or me and them and not at my house unless it's just Heather.....weird, unnecessary limitations. I don't like that. however, I love and respect my husband and his feelings.

So anyway, after that I went to a little store called the Farmer's Mill, which sells Amish goods and they also have an Amish deli. I got handmade soaps, some apple butter, herbs and other things I really didn't NEED, but thought I'd get them anyway while I was there. It was cool. I love that there's a store like that there now.

On my way home I stopped at Barnes and Noble to buy a new journal and I grabbed a few books as well. One is called Fires in the Middle School Bathroom...it's advice for teachers from middle school students. I also got Sweeny Todd, because I wanted to see if the original musical is as bloody as the movie.

It was just my kind of day, you know? I chilled and did some things I've not gotten to do in a while. Today is going to be another great day because we're going to see Scott's Gramma and Grandad. We'll eat old country ham and have a nice chat. They are two of my favorite people in the world, so it's always great to see them. We've not been there in a while. I went yesterday, but Gramma wasn't there and I don't think Grandad knew who I was. He's about 90 ears old and he's losing his memory...not Alzheimers or anything, just getting old.

Wow, so this is what happens when my husband has a day off and I have coffee at my desk! I babble!!! :)

Lovely

2008-07-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

It's a full moon tonight. Enjoy it. :)

What a great day it's been. I worked in the yard, pulling more weeds and watching the butterflies (I have so many butterflies visiting!). I also finished the turtle I was embroidering and have begun thinking about the border for the quilt.

I made lip balm today too....the tins came at around 11. I'm pleased with the consistency and am ready to send out samples. I just have to figure out a label and packaging.....hmmmm.

2008-07-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Pretty coneflowers by the deck.

My backyard.

One of my planters.

The sun catcher I bought at the art fair in Berea.

It's been a great day. I worked and then came home for lunch..they boys and I ate at Bob Evans. Then, we bought impatiens for the front walk (something I've needed to do for a while!) and worked in the garden for a few hours. It was fun. At least it was fun for me. I think after the first hour the kids were not having any more of that! :) Oh well, at least they helped me. I certainly enjoyed it.

So anyway, that's how my day has gone...oh, the birds were crazy today! It was great fun sitting on the deck watching them. I saw many yellow finches and cardinals. The cardinals were feeding babies that were as big as the parents! :) It was nice and relaxing.

Full moon is tomorrow.

Love and peace

The Home Work :)

2008-07-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Scott finishing up in the bathroom.

The pretty "witch balls" in the kitchen window. I love them!! Apparently the lore behind them is that witches used to hang them in the home to ward off negative spirits.

The new appliances in the kitchen. :)

A great day

2008-07-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

Scott, Tristan and I went to the Berea Craft Fair today and saw some amazing artists. It was great. I bought a beautiful stained glass and copper sun catcher...it's hanging from the tree in the backyard right now. I had such a fun time. I never want to leave places like that. Scott said, "You fit right in with those people." hehe.

The setting was so lovely....forested and shady. I LOVED it. All around were interesting and creative people. Maybe next year I'll try to be a vendor...maybe I can sell my natural beauty products...but we'll see. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Then again, visualization is an important ingredient in success. :)

I hung the glass balls in the kitchen window. They are so beautiful. I'll try to get a picture soon to show. I also have 2 twisty glass ones that hang on each end. I love them....so pretty. They'll be even prettier when the sunlight comes through the window. :)

I'm going to work on the quilt for a while and then Tristan and I are off to a movie.

Blessings to you

The good days make it all worth it!!!!

2008-07-10T17:24:00.001-07:00

Wow I am so sleepy! I swear, I can't get enough sleep. I awoke early and now I'm dragging.
I got Scott a set of Cuisinart cookware for our anniversary! He LOVES it. Our anniversary isn't until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist. I was too excited to show him.

He is getting me more glass balls for the kitchen window! I'm so totally excited about that. I LOVE THEM. I took down our valance and decided I'd rather have something a little more me and a bit whimsical, so I got a cool hand blown glass ball for Scott and hung it there...well, we decided we needed more, so he's getting more. :) Yay.

I have an old armoir in my sitting room from the 1940s and I want to put a cool little lizard pull on it.....more whimsy. You know, I told myself I was going to work to see my house as a form of self-expression, not a form of first impressions and I think it's coming easily to me! I think having the housekeeping job has helped me a lot. I see a family who value time together more than what their house looks like and that touches me deeply. I want that. I mean, I don't want to die and my kids be like, "well, she certainly kept the house clean, but I'll be damned if we got to live in it!" lol. I'm not that bad, but I have lightened up quite a bit and it feels really good.

Today I started scraping wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom and Scott and I are going to re-do it and paint it some sort of darker/medium blue. I want it to have a beachy feel. We might even find something we can use as a vanity...like a small chest of drawers and get rid of the outdated pedestal...outdated because it has a shell design...I have nothing against pedestals, but this one is from the 1980s and needs to be put away lovingly until it can be appreciated for a retro look. ;)

So anyway, that's it for the day. It's been a good one even though I've been walking around in a sleepy fog all day. Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary and it will be great too!!!! :)

Rev. Jesse Jackson

2008-07-10T04:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, we've all heard about Rev. Jesse Jackson's comments regarding Barack Obama....well, I have to say while I'm a supporter of Obama and will vote for him, I do at least in part, agree with Rev. Jackson's criticisms of Obama.

One of my criticisms of Obama has been his emphasis on hope and moral obligation, but his lack of PLANNING. I believe he has a plan, but he needs to emphasize it to the public. So in that I do agree with Jackson. Of course I don't agree with the profanity and it is not my opinion that Obama "talks down to black people," but he does need to start letting us know what his plan is for America.

On Good Morning America, Chris asked Jackson if his beliefs are "shared by the black community." This pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. If Jackson were white would Chris have asked him if his views were "shared by the white community"? NO. Because in America white people are given the PRIVILEGE of being individuals while black people are lumped together in a group known as the "black community." It is one of the shames of our nation. It pisses me off so bad.

Letting go

2008-07-10T02:36:00.000-07:00

Angie, you gave me an idea with the whole "cleaning the closet" day. You know, I've cleaned my physical closet, but I still hang on to old ideas, old thoughts in my spiritual/emotional closet and I need to clean it out. :)

I awoke this morning before 5, which is something I've always hoped to do....I mean, actually get out of bed at that time, not lie awake for an hour and fall asleep like I usually do. I think best in the morning when the earth is still and the color is soft and pastel....the house is quiet and I can turn my thoughts inward. I wake up at 4:35 every morning and today I decided I may as well get up. I'm glad I did.

One thing I noticed in my closet, right up front on the perverbial floor is the need to please people, especially my family. The thing is though, I cannot please them and never have been able to, so I've walked around....tip-toed around them hoping never to piss anyone off. Anytime one of them gets aggitated, I either immediately work to "fix" the problem (as at the beach between my sister and mom) or I immediately search my brain for what I've done to make them angry....and I don't even have to have spoken to them in months.

This is how life with them is.

This is not an issue of "do I love them"...this is the issue of "do I want to give them a prominent place in my life or love them from afar"? I honestly think it is best to do the latter. My boys got a glimpse of what I had to endure as a kid when we were at the beach and they are now very hesitant about going to my mom's house. My sister went off the second day we were there and Tristan, scared and nervous, got in the sofa bed next to me and asked what was wrong with her (it came out of nowhere). I didn't know, so I told him she must just be tired. I can't say I blame her for being tired after traveling so far with an infant and having a 5-year old who happened to have just gotten mad over I-don't remember-what. Yeah, of course she was tired....but direct the feelings in the right direction. Y'know?

So anyway, this morning I am cleaning my spiritual closet of things that hold me down, cause me to doubt myself, cause me to dislike myself and cause me to feel nauseous inside like I'm somehow a bad person.......all of these things are felt when I allow my family to take prominent positions in my life.

It sucks. I remember watching the Cosby Show and seeing how Mr. and Mrs. Huxtible were with their kids and seeing how the shows always ended up on a good note and how I wished my family was more like that. Not even JUST like that, but more like that. No one ever plotted behind another's back except for the occasional antic about which everyone laughed. They were a loving (if imaginary) family and something I did not have. Ask my mom and she'll tell you one of her reasons for pride was her so-called "tough love."

I've been thinking about this for nearly a year.....I reallythink it's in my best interest and my sons' best interests to love my family from afar. I hope one day it won't have to be this way, but for now it must. It just feels like it's the right time.

For everything there is a season and this is the season for cleaning closets. :) There are just so many things I want to accomplish these days and the worry and the question regarding my family just holds me down. I need a change.

Besides, there are other fish in the sea and I have my friends who are better than family to me.
Being this open is strange to me. Lately I've been so introspective. It feels good though. I feel relieved.

Much better.

2008-07-09T14:51:00.001-07:00

Pic of my Papa and my mom in Bellevue

I'm feeling better about the situation that inspired the previous blog.

Meditation really does help me. Thank the Goddess!

My second wedding anniversary is this Friday and to be honest I just want to hang out at home, have some wine and make a yummy dinner we can enjoy on the deck. That's all I want to do. Peace, quiet and a few giggles. :) That sounds like divinity.

I need to order the tins for the lip balm. I have all the ingredients to make it, but I need the tins so I can work on getting the perfect consistency. I'd like to maybe send out samples to get honest opinions from friends. I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time. I really want honest opinions too....I might send out a survey card with the samples. hehe. Seriously. I'll send goodies and homework! Haha.

Love and peace to all.

Strange

2008-07-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

Life is full of strange incidences...
Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated inside trying to deal with everything, but then I remember that I don't need to be anything but what I am. I send out love to those who try to hurt me and I let them go. I cut the spiritual chord and watch them drift into the space of the world.

I don't have to "fit" into everyone's mold. I don't have to please anyone but myself. That's all I have to do in this life.

Harm none, not even myself....this is the way.

Assholes n such

2008-07-08T13:56:00.001-07:00

The boys and I went to the pool for a few hours. They had a great time. I only laid in the sun...my knee is killing me still from hitting it yesterday. I'm such a clutz! Oh well. It keeps me on my toes.

I still have trouble dealing with people in the world. Today some lifeguards...only teenagers were so immature and I ended up calling them assholes, instead of being the mature adult example. I was irritated and I let it be known. Well, I now feel like an ass for not maintaining my composure in front of them.

Why can't I find the same joy in people that I do in flowers and birds?

I've been devoting at least 30 minutes a day to meditation lately....except for the last two days, but it's okay. I was busy. I find that when I can't formally meditate, I take at least 5 minutes to remember why I'm here on this earth.....It's helpful....most of the time. ;)

2008-07-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

Handsome Caleb at the beach.

Slightly grumpy/tired Tristan at the beach. :)

The Primrose Path

2008-07-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

Me and my boys at Myrtle Beach. Fun times.

Shasta Daisy from my garden.

We got the new stove and refridgerator today! :) Yay. They look great. We now need to have our dishwasher delivered tomorrow and get a new hood for the stove and we're finished. The kitchen looks so nice! Scott and I worked hard all weekend getting the cabinets all shiny and adding new hardware to them. It was fun. We had beer and worked. Fun, fun.

In addition, I'm taking a new spiritual path....well, not so new to me, but in the past I'd only dabbled in it. These days I'm taking it very seriously and enjoying learning the history and all the aspects of it. I think I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm taking control of my life and no longer care so much what other people think about me. :) Yay. It's very liberating and empowering.

2008-07-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am trying to not only enjoy watching my garden grow, but utilize the plants I grow by making all natural body care products. I recently made a lip balm that I really like a bunch. After using it, I can't wear commerical chap stick anymore...it tastes so gross! I found that my lip balm stopped my lips from peeling (after a week at the beach). I was surprised by that because when I use commerical chap stick, I feel the need to put it on constantly....they almost seem to take away my lips natural moisture. I don't get this feeling with mine. :) Yay.

I need to figure out the exact measurements and get my tins so I can start making them. I'm planning to order the tins this week. I also want to order bottles for my refreshing rosmary mist.

It's all pretty exciting to me.

2008-05-27T18:21:00.001-07:00

My garden is coming along beautifully!

The irises above bloomed a few weeks ago and are still doing well in the front.....the thing about irises is their short bloom time leaves me wanting more, but it's okay. :)

The roses are blooming in the backyard and the clematis is about to bloom. It's going to be beautiful as this year is is climbing the fence, not just the post! A pleasant surprise that will be gorgeous in a few weeks.

Just to add.....Tristan and I had fun passing football in the yard the other day....here are a few pics to share. :)

Annoying

2008-04-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was called a Renaissance woman. What a strange thing to be called. Sure, I have a lot of interests, but I am not a master of anything and more like a dabbler in everything, so the title of Renaissance woman is really not accurate. It was nice to hear though.

My garden is coming to life, but I have spacing issues in the front that need to be addressed. I want to get more bleeding hearts and have fewer daylilies out front. I can't believe how well the bleeding hearts are doing. It's awesome.

I'm a little annoyed by something that was said this weekend. My husband's aunt made the point of mentioning more than once that I've yet to "start my career." You know, the way I look at it, I've had a full-time career for 13 years....I'm a mother and a damned good one at that. I am embarking on a second career.....that of a teacher and will begin in one year. The fact that she said that really annoyed me. The path I've chosen is my own. If other people don't like it, I really can't help that, nor would I want to. Grrrrr....

Other than that the weekend has been wonderful. Scott and I hung out and had a great time. The boys were with Scott's cousins and went to see National Treasure 2 again. They had a blast. So it was a great weekend except for the nosey rich woman whom I truly adore....but she was really annoying this weekend.

Starting from the bottom

2008-04-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

This is a wreath I made for the front door....I think it sings Spring! :) It's raining and while I tried to diver the runoff from the new bed, it's not working the way I'd really like it to. I need to get rocks from my mom's place to build a small retaining wall, but the ground is still so wet there that we can't get to them. Grr.. It's okay. We need the rain and the fact that my yard is so lush and green and everything is looking beautiful makes me less upset about the water situation. Luckily monarda doesn't mind the super moist soil.

Can't say much for the Gaillardia, but it is a little higher and less water is getting there. As a matter of fact, since I put in the pipe, the water is simply following along the bricks and less soil is being taken away. Still, it bothers me and I can't wait to be able to do the rocks. It'll be lovely when it's finished and the flowers will be happy. :)

In front, bulbs are on fire! I love them. The house looks so pretty and inviting and it seems my neighbors are noticing, because they wave to me more....weird, I know but true. :) After all, before we moved here, it was dark and filled with pachysandra and vinca. I like both of them, but there are so many lovely plants that it's a shame to simply fill an area with those. I added a few more pansies to the front and so it is finished until I add summer annuals. I'm free to watch it grow and evolve into whatever it is to be. So fun.

In the back, the roses are postively loaded with leaves! Last year they were not nearly as lush and I hated seeing the old wood in them. Well, I pruned them lightly and added coffee grounds to all the beds...apparently that helped them a lot. I'm just so amazed with how lush everything is. Thankfully we've had a lot of rain and I've amended the soil like a madwoman! Both have helped a lot and my hard work paid off for sure.

So when people say to start from the bottom that is absolutely true when gardening!

It's really easy to add things to your garden to help it too.....Here's what I've done.

In autumn:

Rake leaves in yard, chop them with mower and add to beds as mulch.

In spring:

Work in leaves from autumn

Add coffee grounds from Starbucks (free Grounds for Your Garden see http://www.starbucks.com/) or other coffee shop

Honestly, that's all I've done and now anytime I scoop out some soil with my trowel, I get a scoopful of earthworms! It's awesome....even though I feel bad for hurting the worms when I dig. :(

Gardening!

2008-04-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

This is a pic of the new bed. It's small, but I only wanted a little room for some Monarda and Gaillardia. Spring-flowering trees are the best!

Okay, I've been sick for several days, but the weather is so lovely and it's so warm outside that I couldn't resist going outside to enjoy it.

Finches played in the yard today and a few stopped at the feeder, even a lovely yellow finch. I love them. I can't wait for the echinacea to bloom again this year, because the finches really loved them last year. I was so surprised when I looked out the window and saw a yellow finch eating the seeds from the flower! It was great.

So I'm having trouble in the back with rain runoff. I created a new bed, or rather extended and existing bed, but the runoff from the rain is washing away the topsoil. I tried to use a pipe to drain the water away, but it was too short. So, I have tried to fix it again today. I'm not sure it'll work and it's less than aesthetically beautiful. Still, if it works, I can deal with it. Besides, when the Shasta Daisies fill out, they will cover it. I can also get some mulch to cover it as well. Hopefully it'll work, or my Gaillardia and Monarda may be in trouble. While Monarda likes moist soil, I doubt it'll be able to withstand what the runoff is doing. Grrr....

The Constant Gardener

2008-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

The garden is coming to life and it's so exciting to watch! The crocus are blooming now and the daffodils and tulips are just about to bloom. I am so excited to see the bright colors!

I started many plants from seed this year. It's my first time to try this and so far I'm having good luck. I have zinnias, chamomile, petunias, tomatoes, coleus, cosmos and morning glory to name a few. Growing plants from seed is one of the coolest things I've ever done. I mean....it's so fun to watch them germinated and grow their first real leaves. I'm really excited about it. I think of how cool it'll be to see them bloom in the garden! :) That's so awesome.

Sometimes I think I should have gone into horticulture. I love plants and can't imagine that I'd ever tire of working with them and taking care of them. Oh well. I chose a different path and hey, I'm enjoying gardening on my own time, in my own way.

I planted an orange trumpet vine today and can't wait to see it bloom later on. I don't know how they do in their first year, so I'm not going to get too excited about blooms this year. I know it'll bloom next year, so for now I'll just enjoy watching it grow bigger.

A bit of a Tangent

2008-02-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

So later today I'm going to participate in a live chat about race in the classroom. I can't wait to see what others are talking about...I am however, mortified that when I was typing my question, I was near the end of a 2 part question and accidentally hit the enter key! It sent the question before I completed it! Oh well, the first question was a good one. If they use it, that's cool. If not, well I know to be more careful next time. I'm excited about participating in this, as it is a major part of what I'm concerned with in schools. The major question for the live chat is: Should teachers be race blind or not? Should race be an issue in the class or not? I can see it both ways. I see that race has been a major issue in this country for the entirety of its existence and it has shaped many facets of our government. I also see the basis of being race "blind." I don't think it should shape how teachers respond to students or how they create a classroom environment. However, I do believe it is vital to include examples and discussions in the classroom that are ethnically diverse. To do otherwise is to white wash a student's experience in school and that is detrimental to their development.

Our country was shaped by many, many ethnic backgrounds. Look at the food you eat. Look at the tags on the clothes you wear. Look at the car you drive. Look at the bike you ride. Look at your computer screen. This diversity did not happen by accident. It has happened over time and has shaped life as we know it.

Students should be exposed to and allowed to explore this in the classroom. They need to know that while Thomas Jefferson takes and is given credit for building Monticello, he did not build it. He designed it. His slaves built it.

They need to know that Eli Whitney who takes credit for the cotton gin, did not create it. His slave created it and built it. Think about it. Why on earth would a white man who did no physical labor come up with that concept? His slave came up with it, as the person who performed the physical labor day in and day out.

Later in our history, there were gangs in New York fighting for rights. They were of Irish, Italian and German decent. This is important.

Women were fighting (and still continue to fight) for equal rights and equal pay as men. Do you know in Kentucky there is still not a rule that employers are required to pay women the same amount as men? Such BS.

The students need to know about the treatment of Japanese and Chinese in the 1950s, who were taken from their homes and imprisoned on suspicion of communism. They were American citizens! They lost what they had because our government singled them out based on their race...nothing more. That was not long ago.

Today Muslims are being attacked, simply because of their religion. I worked with a girl who is a Muslim and I saw the looks she got. I saw how people overlooked her to talk to me, the white girl behind the counter. Sometimes I ignored them and walked away, making it necessary for them to talk to my Muslim friend. I did it to make a point. She is a very nice, very bright and funny girl. She is just like me. She simply believes differently. She's not a freaking terrorist. She's a college kid. She's a daughter. She's a sister. She's an aunt and she's a friend.

Another time, at the same store where I worked, my dear friend, Amal, from Jordan was discriminated against simply because of her accent. The lady said (among other terrible things), "You're one of those people aren't you? Are you one of those Muslim people?" The lady was very rude to Amal and Amal tried to be polite, but she eventually got angry and told the woman, "No, I'm not Muslim. Do you see this cross? (showing the woman her necklace) I am a Christian!" Then Amal refused to help the lady......the lady sent a bad message to the HR people who in turn fired my friend. She was fired for taking up for herself.

I know I go on and on about this stuff, but it is really embedded in my heart. I can't help it. I can't get enough of it and at the same time I'm sick to my soul of it. How can this country, this so-called powerhouse be so utterly stupid? How? When it systematically pushes some down while it meticulously raises up others? I understand the need for social stratification in a capitalist economy. I do. I just find it interesting that along with that social stratification comes a color line. Not a particular color line....but I can say that the majority are non-white and that frustrates me. This is 2008!

So many people of all ethnic groups scream, "Get over it. Slavery ended a long time ago. Segregation ended a long time ago....racism ended a long time ago!" I say this...if you think racism has ended, then you are either blind or you have surrounded yourself with a group of people who are just like you. They are likely of the same ethnic group and religious beliefs as you, therefore you do not see what goes on. Is this a bad thing? It is not bad to surround yourself with others like you. We do that by nature. However, it is wrong to remain ignorant of a problem that continues to fester in our country. If you leave a wound unattended, it will eventually make itself known to you. The question is, will you be ready?

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"

It's a good day.

2008-02-26T11:41:00.001-08:00

"Rock It Out" quilt block

New aquarium

Seedlings doing well.

So, school is going well and everyone in the house is happy and healthy. That's saying a lot considering many people have the flu these days. Ugh. Thankfully we've been spared so far. There's not a hell of a lot going on. tomorrow is my birthday, so that'll be fun. We're going to hand out and my firend, Laura and her fiance are coming over for dinner and wine. Should be a good time.

The short version...

2008-02-18T07:52:00.001-08:00

I was just here, doing this very thing when an error occurred. Bleck. I hate errors. So, the whole thing was scrapped.

Two seeds have germinated so far in my seed starting kit.

I have to work on a paper today, beefing it up, because it's due at 8 am tomorrow. Ugh. I'll be so happy when I no longer have to write papers for instructors.

Garden

2008-02-17T13:55:00.001-08:00

So it's been a while since I was here and I'd call that a very good thing. I'm filled with less angst. I'm basically recovered from my eating disorder, except for occasional issues, but it never gets inside my head. I know I can talk about it with my husband and I can get by.

Of late my interest is in school and research. I'm also getting excited about gardening and have ordered many plants. I'm happy to say that I have a new bloom in my garden. It's the first of the year and I'm super happy about it. It's a lovely yellow crocus. I spent a bit of time in the garden today labeling the bulbs that are poking through the soil. It took a while, but now they are marked and I won't disturb them later while I'm working out there.

I've also started seeds indoors. I'm happy to simply have some things underway. I love to watch things grow. It's something that has always given me pleasure. Funny how we can get all wrapped up in things and forget what's important to us.

This blog will likely focus on the garden more than anything else.....but I'm not making any promises.

Oh Hell

2007-07-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

A first blog is like losing one's virginity, except with a delete button. Hmmmmm. If only had had a delete button when I was 16. That would have been helpful. What kind of woman would I be today if that had been available?

Poetry though is a huge part of my life and I think in some part it is influenced by that fateful day so long ago.

What the hell, it has assisted in creating who I am today and htat's really fucking fine with me. I'm really forgiving and I think I'll get past it.

There's no way I'll give anyone the power to alter my life any further, thank you!