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The Lowdown

So...

The update on my life:

1. Getting divorced.
2. Got an apartment in a place called Raintree Apartments.
3. Apartment flooded during a torrential downpour and carpets were soggy wet.
4. Got another unit in the same place.
5. THAT apartment flooded even worse than the first one.
6. Found out in second unit, a man died there and laid there for 42 days before they knew he died.
7. Understood why the Ozone machine had been running for so long.
8. Decided to leave Raintree and they agreed to return my deposit and rent checks.
9. Got a NICE place at another apartment complex...a luxury apartment complex.
10. Raintree fucked up and deposited my rent check.
11. Account overdrawn because of extra 600 bucks being taken out without my knowledge.
12. Bank sent letter to Raintree to make them pay for the overdraft fees.
13. Called car dealership and have been approved to lease a car and trade in my Camry (even though I LOVE it). 200 a month beats 400.
14. Met someone who is sweet, caring, fun as hell, doesn't live to work, and makes me laugh. Will it go anywhere? I have no idea and don't care. I'm having fun for the first time in over a decade.

Better

Okay...so I'm feeling much better about my job. I actually really enjoyed the last 1/4 - 1/2 of it. I laughed more and felt more comfortable in general. It was good. I'm staying at my school.

Yay.

The Unsaid Babble That Really Needs to be Said Aloud

I really think I want to leave the teaching profession and it makes me feel really bad to say that. It makes me feel REALLY bad that I have such high student loans and I don't want to do the job I worked so hard to get. :/

I feel sad. I feel guilty. I feel confused. I feel like a failure.

With that said, I also feel like as long as I have breath in my lungs, anything is possible...so I think I may get my M.A. in Cultural Anthropology. I have always had a passion for history and especially for cultures, which is why I am also certified in Social Studies. I have 8 more years in which to get my masters, so that means I can teach until then. Of course I will always teach like my life depends on it, just because I don't want to do it forever doesn't mean I'll slack off. I'm no slacker.

I may change schools though. My literacy coach is trying to get me to go to the school she is going to next year. She thinks the school I'm in now doesn't have any support and she said that with the "right support, you can become a phenomenal teacher. You've got it already, you just need guidance." I think she's right...but that school has behavior issues as well and quite frankly I'm sick to my soul of behavior issues.

I have all the GRE practice booklets I could get, except one and I'll probably get it soon. I loaned my vocabulary one to a student who is probably the most gifted person I've ever known. He's an 8th grader studying GRE vocab...go figure! lol

Anyway, there's the babble I cannot say aloud.

So I just applied for a scholarship to the IRA Annual Convention in Orlando, Florida. I received the kindest letter of recommendation from the Administrative Dean of Students at my school. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea anyone even paid attention to what I'm doing/trying to do each day.

Some days it's really hard to get up and go into work, but I cannot give up. I cannot give up on my students or myself. I want to give it one more year, even though my husband says, "I really wish you wouldn't. I don't want you to go through this again next year." He NEVER gives his opinion on my decisions. He generally just supports me. I guess he's seen me close myself in the closet to cry too many times this year.

I'm reading the book The Bee Eater about Michelle Rhee, former superintendent of D.C. public schools. It's nice to read about someone who went though similar things I find myself going through this year. She survived...no, she thrived. I want to end this year on a positive note. I want my students to do well and feel that they can accomplish any task they come up against.

It's been a tough year and it's been a LONG year. I've prayed for snow days more times than I care to admit. I've taken sick days as mental health days just to recharge my batteries. I've wished I never left my previous school....all these things at least once a month every month. It's been a rough experience, but I'm beginning to think it's been a rewarding experience as well, and that is why I want to return next year.

I do plan to lessen my load next year though. I'm not teaching an extra class. This will mean my pay will be reduced by 7 grand (YIKES), but I feel my mental well-being and my free time at home is worth the loss of pay. Right now I feel stressed constantly because I end up with 1 or 2 planning periods PER WEEK, because of meetings. I end up working until 9pm at least three nights a week and then I work on weekends to plan for the next week.

This leads my thoughts to something I heard this morning:

Rand Paul....today on GMA he said that "teachers are paid quite well and they should not be striking. They should be at work teaching our children." HIS kids? Are his kids in the public schools? Also, does he realize that the majority of teachers in the state of KY (his state), if they are single parents, or the breadwinners of their families, they qualify for free/reduced lunch?! That is hardly what I consider "paid well." Also, he and others think teachers work only 9 months of the year, but this is not true. I will be working all summer to plan for next year and get my room ready. During the school year I work at least three 13 hour days, plus a day on the weekends. Let's say 5 hours on the weekend. That totals 60 hours a week on a regular basis.

I'm not trying to whine...I'm just sick of that idiot politician. He makes me ashamed to say I'm from Kentucky. I can't believe he was voted into office. Grumble.
I certainly didn't vote for him.

Did you know he also said that food stamps should be cut? WTF is wrong with this guy? He doesn't care about poor people....he is like Bush Jr. Bush doesn't care about poor people either.

Sad that such a fool has a voice in our government.

Okay, enough of that rant! Wow.

New Year Thoughts

My last post was less than enthusiastic, but I guess that's natural. We all have down days and sometimes my down days are because of my husband. I'm assuming this is normal. It's hard to share a life with someone, even someone I love and respect...adore and consider my friend. It's just hard to give and take constantly, but that is what marriage is.

Being a stubborn person, this is sometimes hard for me. Especially now that I've found my voice.

I feel like I'm learning to be social for the first time ever. For so long I just kept quiet, afraid someone might lash back at me with insults (it's easy to find faults with me and so I really thought this would be an automatic thing), so I never voiced my opinion. As a teen, I began to rebel very badly and I lashed out at everyone, even myself. Then, as an adult, I tried to find my footing. I tried to find my voice, but it was stifled by my E.D. and my depression. I have dealt with both. The E.D. has become quiet and my depression is being curbed with medication (that I'm not sure I should keep taking...it makes me feel like I have no feelings), so I'm finding my voice again. The thing is, I find that sometimes I say things that hurt others. It makes me feel bad, but at the same time I am LEARNING to be assertive without being hurtful.

I feel like a child when it comes to this. I know that's weird. I'm 34...nearly 35, but it's the truth. I find that I still have trouble voicing my opinion to my husband and I think this is why I sometimes have bad days and I think it's because of him...really, it's because i don't say anything. I think this has to do with my previous relationship with him...I lost him for a while, but it never had to do with my standing up for myself or voicing my opinion. It's a long story. Anyway, I guess deep inside I'm afraid he'll be gone again.

That said, I long for isolation. I long to be alone. I dream of vacationing by myself, but I never do it. I figure I'll get bored. Ha! That's so funny.

I am a walking contradiction. It's the truth.
I walk over myself constantly, get turned around and end up where I started, find the correct path and then veer off only to discover I took the long way around. It's frustrating to say the least...but it's never boring. I guess I have that going for me.

This year I plan to be more present...I've made this goal before and I feel I have improved on it...but I want to continue on this path. I also want to get into my religious studies more. I need to feed my spirit. I need to commune with Nature more...

I got a puppy on the 29th. He's a Miniature Schnauzer and the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I adore him. Because he is black and Scott said he looks like an ink blot, we decided to name him Rorschach. I named him Rorschach von Grimsley and he will be AKC registered as that. :) I think it's cute and yet it sounds so sophisticated! haha! We call him Schachy most of the time, but he'll answer to anything as long as you use a high pitched, happy voice.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned my puppy is because he has gotten me outside. I take him for walks...even when he really doesn't want to go and sits, looks at me and whines a bit. I take him out to use the potty, to play and attack the dried plants in my garden. While I'm freezing my butt off, sometimes I look into the night sky to see the stars and I think, "Wow, it's been a while since I just looked at the stars." Tonight I saw "baseball." I remember someone in a movie calling that cluster of stars "baseball," and that is all I know it as now. The air is so fresh and clean in winter. I forgot that while living so long with winter depression. The cold still causes me to hunch my shoulders and tuck my head in like a turtle, but it's those moments when I look up, with a clear view of Orion that I remember how cool the winter night sky is. I have Rorschach to thank for that. He also makes me smile more times per day than I can count.




Rorschach and I. :)

Little things like this are what life is all about.

Still...I feel dissatisfied somehow and I don't know what's causing this feeling. Why can't I just be happy?

To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I had a home of my own. I'd like to be married, as I love my marriage, but I need time alone. Maybe I just need a room of my own, like Virginia suggested for women. I need my solace. I need time to be; just be, without having to BE anything.

Stometimes

Sometimes I hate being married.

The Watery Abyss

I wrote this poem when I was feeling very afraid of change. Change can be hard, even when it is good. This poem was written in 2009, but I feel like it is still pertinent to my life at present, as I begin a journey toward freeing myself from depression and as I begin a new and very complex stage in my career as a teacher. I am very afraid. I do not know for sure that I won't fail miserable at it. I don't know that I've ever really failed at anything before, but that doesn't mean a lot, because I have generally been the type of person to only do so much so that if I did fail, it wouldn't be such a shock. This is very different. I want to succeed. I want to do well. Will I do it again next year? I have no idea.

The depression part is scary too. I've dealt with it for so very long I can't even guess. I think it came before the eating disorder, but I can't be sure...the chicken or the egg scenario, I guess. Anyway, I was looking through old journals and I noticed a very alarming pattern of ups and severe lows. I also took into consideration the way I am in the winter...this year was the first year when all I had to do was think about winter and tears will well up in my eyes. I swear, I don't know that I could handle another without help. I was very frightened by that thought and so I was relieved when my doctor asked if I might want to try an anti-depressant for seasonal depression. I agreed immediately. She said I could start it in October if I wanted, but I decided to go ahead and try it that day. It takes up to 4 weeks for it to have effect and so I knew it should be working by October and that's when my depression starts to sneak in. I'm so scared of it that I didn't want to wait and end up having it not work until November...generally by Thanksgiving, it is in full swing and I have trouble enjoying family gatherings and other things.



The Watery Abyss

I ride slowly, cautiously
the waves of life, as
back and forth they rock.
I feel sick this night
terror wrenches my heart
and turns my stomach.
I know not my surroundings
although I can hear you laugh
and I feel your arms around my waist.
My bosom heavy; burdened
cries deep within my frame
and I fight to keep the bile down
I fight to smile.
Riding the waves of life,
hoping not to crash hard upon the shore
where they wait, arms waving
in greeting
as I vomit overboard
wishing to turn back toward the watery abyss.
TWGrimsley 2009


My husband and I had dinner last night at our favorite restaurant, Miyako. I love the sushi there and the service is awesome too. We are regulars for sure; going at least every other week...Chung is our favorite waiter. the owner is very kind too. He always says hi, lets us know the recent family news and he always shakes Scott's hand. If only restaurant owners knew how important it is to simply greet their patrons....

Anyway, so we were there and we were chatting about what we want to do in the next couple of years. The other day he asked if I'd want to move from our home. I've thought about this...our house was built in 1988 and so it is getting to the age where it needs maintenance and Scott is sort of getting tired of worrying about what might happen next. He asked if I might want to get an apartment or townhouse so we can save money and not be tied to a mortgage and all the maintenance.

At first I felt sad about it...this is our first real home. I love this house. I say "by, pretty house," every time we leave the driveway...lol. Not kidding. However, I for sure understand the benefits of moving to a place where we can call the landlord and have him deal with the maintenance. Also, if we can save some money, that would be great for the future when the kids head off to college.

Scott and I want to move to Europe for one year after the kids are settled where they will be attending school and such. I'm scared of the idea of having them in America and being across the Atlantic. However, I think it's a great idea. It's not like we'll be gone forever...although that's a possibility. I told him, "We may not want to come back to America." He replied, "I know."

I'm so scared of not having my kids with me. It's a fear that is so deep inside myself. I literally tense up with the thought, but I know at some point I'll have to let them go. they will grow up and start their own lives. the thing is, I think they will need a couple of years on their own before I'll feel comfortable enough to leave the country...they will still be so young and they will still need me on occasion, even if they pretend they don't.

So there is a hell of a lot going on inside my head right now...I think it's a good thing I started the medicine right away....

Enough babbling.
Ciao.

I know this is probably uncouth, but really...I wouldn't do it if I didn't need help. I seldom ask for help as it is, but my students really need your help.

Please help by donating even just 5.00 to this project. PLEASE! We will send hand-written thank you notes and we will be forever grateful. Plus, the materials can be used by future students, so it's soooo not a waste of money. In addition, your donation is 100% tax deductible.

Please help if you can.
I appreciate it so much.

Sunny.

Here's a link:

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

You'll have to log in, but please don't be scared...it's approved by the BBB and you can check for yourself first if you're still unsure.

Thanks so very much in advance!!!!

Classroom Project

Hello...I just wanted to share a link to a project I am trying to do this year. With fund cuts and limits on my own income, getting things like a classroom set of books is nearly impossible.

I hope perhaps you could donate to my project. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you get a response email immediately that you can print for your records.

Let me tell you a little about the project. The name of it is: What do you show to the world?

I want my students to do a bit of self-reflection and think about how they portray themselves to the world...what do they want others to see? What do they hide behind? How do they want to be remembered, etc....the possibilities are endless. I want to read the novel, The Skin I'm In by Sharon Flake, which discusses topics that are very real to my students, such as prejudice, being insecure, trying to fit in, finding one's place in the world. I will guide them to making real text-to-self connections through class discussions.

To follow-up, I want the students to create and decorate paper Mache masks that show what they show to the world. I will be providing the sequins, feathers, buttons, etc...I just need help getting the basics.

What I would really love help with is getting the class set of books, the paints and brushes and the masks. I've tried to be frugal when considering the supplies, because I'm not one to waste money myself. At first I thought a class set of the masks would suffice, but I realized each mask would need about 24 - 48 hours to dry completely and I don't want my classes to be two days behind each other, so I am hoping to get a mask for each student.

I'd liek to note that my school no longer has art class due to budget cuts, so this is my way of giving them the opportunity to express themselves artistically, which I feel is vital to a well-rounded education.

If you can't help, perhaps you can just tell others about the project....but if you can help, even just 5.00 can help get a couple of masks and I and my students would appreciate it VERY much!!!

You will receive a hand-written thank-you note from my class for your donation.

BEst wishes,
T.

Below is the link:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

I've been getting my classroom ready this week...and wow is it a job!! Seriously. The teacher who was there before me had the class loaded with textbooks, something I very seldom use in my classes. Let's face it, how often did you have fun using a textbook at school?

That's what I thought. ;-)

So here are a few pics of my classroom in the works...it is far from finished. I have to get more color in there!!!




Education can take you anywhere in the world...




I'll post more later...I'm tired.

A great day on the river

I am utterly and completely exhausted! Scott and I went kayaking again today and the water was up higher than last time...well, I was being silly and spent much of my time spinning the kayak around and around in the river. It was great fun, but requires a lot of energy. I also thought it would be funny, since the water was cruising us right along, with very little help from paddling, to paddle with my arms, so I did this or several minutes...it actually worked too! lol However, it was exhausting! Ha!

So anyway, I'm TIRED! It was great fun though.

Tomorrow I will begin summer school at my new school. I'm terribly nervous, so it's probably good that I'm so utterly exhausted...maybe I won't toss and turn tonight.

There is nothing like sitting on the deck in the heat & humidity. Truly, I love it. I know it's nuts, but i love it. :)

I think blogging on the go will be super fun...especially while on vacation & such! If you've not signed up yet you should! :)

Testing 123 testing...

Summertime

It's only 1:42 in the afternoon and I really want a glass of red wine. Is that bad? Possibly...am I going to indulge myself? Probably. I mean, it's the weekend for me and this is my only week off before summer school, which starts Monday and I'll be doing that through July 9th. I think a little glass of red wine sounds divine.

*pours self a glass of red wine*

I know this is going to sounds really strange, but I'm wearing my bikini. Does anyone else do this? Run around the house in your bikini just for the hell of it? I do. I don't know why, but in summer I literally live in mine and this one is new....it's a cute new Roxy that's charcoal gray with bright green tie-dye. I love it. You know, that's one thing I am sooooooo very thankful for with having kicked my ED away. I actually love buying and wearing bikinis nowadays. I'm not going to say I don't feel insecure sometimes...I do. I think everyone does, unless they look like Heidi Klum, but we all know she's a digital creation.....right? ;-) I mean, how on earth does that woman have children and then walk the runway in two months?! Wow. So anyway, back to me....far less interesting and certainly less toned and, shall we say, endowed??? hehe.

I've been planning for summer school via email with the teacher I'll be co-teaching with. She's fabulous and while I though it was going to be difficult to plan without meeting in person, it's actually been really great! It helps that we both have the same basic ideas for teaching the class, so that means all we have to do is gather the materials to enhance learning. We're reading a book entitled Night John by Paulsen. It's a great little short book with a powerful message. I also bought the movie and Shakira (the Social Studies teacher) found primary sources online so the kids can do an activity with that and the sources go so perfectly with the book! I also have some primary sources and we'll use those as well. We're going to teach about the Underground Railroad throughout the class and the dean of students said we will have a period actor come who is playing a slave who belonged to Lincoln...she said, "I've tried to contact Lincoln, but he has not returned the call." (hahaha!) We are also taking the kids on a field trip using charter buses...can you believe this???? For summer school!! I'm totally blown away, because my last school had so little by way of funds that we could barely muster two field trips and they couldn't afford summer school. It's sad for them, really...but I'm so happy to be in a school with some funds! :)

Other than summer school planning, I've spent most of my free time either on the river kayaking or rolling around in my inline skates. It's been great fun. My plan for the summer after summer school is to be on the river as much as possible. I love it. I dare say I love it more than the ocean....which surprises me. I do though. There is something special about paddling a river. You see things you wouldn't see otherwise. The world slows down...you become more alive than you knew you could be. I truly love it and wish I could spend days at a time out there. I want to visit other rivers though. I want to get on some whitewater this year...I'd like to get the boys out in a big family raft so they can have a safe first experience, where I won't have to worry about them. I think I'll take them out on the Big South Fork for their first time out solo...because it's like a class 3 (with only occasional) 4 rapids and that's only at certain times of the year. Not bad for learning. They are naturals...you should see them in a kayak!!! I was blown away & so proud of them. :)

So anyway, the summer is going to be great. I'm truly looking forward to it.

Joy Ache

At this very moment, I am both extremely happy and extremely sad.

I'm happy because my life is just what I always hoped for as far as my marriage, career and kiddos go. I swear...it's wonderful and actually it might be better than what I hoped for, because I had no idea how good married life could be. I'd never met anyone who was truly happily married, so I had no idea it could happen.

I'm extremely sad because I miss my siblings. I really do. For whatever reason, they dislike me...have said they hate me and well, there is nothing I can do about that. I've chosen to keep my distance and I plan to continue with that, because what else is there to do? I'm tired of being hurt. The thing is, it hurts to keep a distance. Then again, you can't close a distance if the other person doesn't want it and they don't want it.

Today I watched the movie Coco before Coco Chanel and I loved it. Her story inspires me. I'm not saying I want to be like her...as in what she accomplished, although I have had that dream (funny because I am a self-taught seamstress and unable to make clothes). I have said things like, "People should be wearing my name on their clothes." Why? I have no idea...

I want to be successful in whatever I endeavor to do. I have no idea where this life will take me. I have no idea what I truly want in my life. I know for now I am focused on my career...possibly even more than my family. I'm good at my job. I love it. I also have plans to get better and venture out to do new things concerning my career. At present I'm working on a manuscript for a NCTE publication. I hope it will make the publication. I don't know if it will, but I hope it does! I have also been asked to participate in a presentation at an upcoming conference. I've accepted and should the proposal be approved, I'll be dealing with the nerves of presenting to other professionals! Yikes. It'll be really cool, but extremely scary.

I don't know why I even agreed to do it...I just thought, "What the hell? Why not?" At this moment though...I'm freaking out a little bit. Why did I say yes? Yikes...The closer it gets, the higher my anxiety will get, I'm sure. I just figured...this is my one life, why not take chances and see what will happen? I think I owe it to myself to see what comes of it. :)

Damaged Skin

When it comes to my health, there are two things I wish I had done differently:

1. Never started smoking. I've quit and I've not smoked in years, but I wish I had never started in the first place.

2. More importantly, I wish I hadn't used a tanning bed. EVER. My poor skin is so damaged from it. I feel like I look bad. I have three moles that are strange looking and have me a bit worried. I may see a dermatologist about them...and I'm not one to see a doctor. I just feel like I'm looking older than I am.

Ugh.

If I could go back in time, I'd change those things before ever touching my ED. that's how important they are to me.

Be kind to yo bad self and WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Porn Spam and the Online World = GRRRR

So funny (and humbling) to keep a blog and the only feedback I get is Asian porn spam.

Whatever.

If blogs were really for others, we'd call it email or a telephone call. We really know who the blogs are for. It's totally and completely for the blogger. Get a response, think "wow, I must have written something witty! I must be on my game today!" Don't get a response, think: "No one understands me! This is just like high school!"

Whatever, no one really cares....unless, of course your readers are your friends and then they probably DO care.

That said, for the most part people are only responding in hopes that you will in-turn respond to them. It's this strange insatiable cycle of blogging that serves to clutter the mind and either feed or starve the soul.

Whatever happened to REAL friendship? You know the kind, where you could argue like siblings and hug the next day as if nothing ever happened. Where they tell you if you have something in your teeth, because it's the right fucking thing to do. Nowadays, our friends are online in that online world where they can't even see our teeth, at least not in real time. Then you walk around with lettuce in your teeth and no friends to tell you it's there.

This blows.

I am amazed though with this online world. I've been an active member for geez, I don't know....YEARS....so many I swear my hands are starting to remain din their typing stance, even when I stand at ease...they are ready like strange claws; ready to reach out to someone; to piss someone off; to make someone feel comforted; to make someone laugh...they are at the ready. It's bad, really. I can see the wrinkles from internet and typing activity. Anyway, I really am amazed with this online world. I mean, I've met some really terrific people on here... in various places, over the last decade or so. I'd say I've met three really GREAT people that I have had the pleasure of meeting or would like to meet one day. that's it over the last decade or so. They are really considered my online friends.

There are online acquaintances as well and they are great too, but I don't hold the in my heart as dearly. I don't think about them unless they comment to my page (I have others besides this one...here is where I am safe from real family and in-person friends and I can express myself as I truly want to)and then I think of them and when I say "I'm sending warm thoughts your way," I truly am. I stop for a second and send happy thoughts, warm thoughts, healing thoughts, etc....

It's no lie.

You know, I think deep inside most people who get to know me don't really like me. Sure, this could be my psychosis with the ED, but I honestly believe it's true. I mean think about it....it's typically easy to make friends because as humans we generally believe others are like us. We make assumptions. However, it's upon realizing that others are NOT like us that we come to reality. For many, this means realizing that I'm not this or not that and then people want me to go away.

It's like this, at my school, I'm constantly surrounded by talk of Christianity. The author of The Golden Compass is not exactly banned from the district, but I would never be allowed to use his book as a teaching tool because he is an Atheist. I guess this means, as an employee of my school district, I should NEVER talk about my beliefs. It's strange to have to be so guarded. I generally change the subject to more important things....like students and teaching.

So anyway, there's my crap for today. Take it or leave it.

I'm sure to get some damned Asian porn spam....and I'll delete it, as usual. WTF? Why do they do that? It's so fucking irritating!

The End

I always say all this crap and then when I get responses, I immediately begin criticizing myself. I consider myself a bitch. I get close to others only to eventually remove them from my life. I feel like I am meant to walk alone...except that I like having my husband with me.

I typically believe others are out to hurt me in one way or another. I take EVERYTHING personally, even though I pretend I don't.

Basically I am the embodiment of a stupid lie. I lie constantly to myself and others. It's ridiculous, I know....however, it got me past 25 and I didn't really believ ethat was possible.

So what if someone gave me a hard time...who gives a shit? Really? I want to write. I want to publish a book that is in the works presently...and I'm afraid of a little criticism? How will I deal with feedback IF the book is published and IF anyone actually buys the damned thing? I always talk about free speech and "I have the right to say whatever I want," but I get mad when others say that...what B.S.

I'm a load of BS and I feel every ounce of it right now. Grrr....I'm so fucking pathetic. I need to get over myself. I'm so ridiculous.

Not that anyone here cares. I'm just venting....and typing is less painful to my fingers than writing with a pen these days! AHHHHHHHHHH! There. It's all out. I'm finally being honest with myself.

The End.