Went out last night with a friend of mine for my birthday.
It was a great time...

We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.

I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.

He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.

We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.

Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...

I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.
:(

Of late I have been extremely lazy/depressed and nothing I do...not that I've tried to do much, seems to help. The fact that it is freaking freezing outside and we have about 6 inches or so of snow on the ground certainly doesn't help matters. Ugh.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this?

Longing

I've been really busy today, but nothing I did involved going outside except going to 5 Guys to get a late lunch.

I find I'm missing something....someone....some place. I don't know who or what it is. I just feel a terrible longing inside my heart these days.

Maybe it's the warm summer breeze I miss. Maybe it's outdoor activities. Maybe it's something I've never even experienced. I do not know what I miss. Something. I just can't figure it out...it happens often, but not so often that I feel unhappy with my life. I love my life.

I sometimes wish my family lived somewhere else. My husband...he's always so afraid to start somewhere else...it really annoys me. I am tired of living here, but with the economy the way it is, selling our house would be very difficult. Hmmmm.

2010

I've started 2010 off with three movies in the theater...this is VERY rare for me. I seldom hit the cinema, but I'm happy I have. I saw The Blind Side, Sherlock Holmes and tonight I saw Avatar 3D. All were great, but Avatar is my favorite of the season. I LOVED it and want to see it again with BOTH of my sons. tonight Tristan and I went because Caleb was at a friend's house for the weekend.

Wonderful film...I highly recommend it. :)

One of my students.

I have a student who suffers from anorexia. It's so sad to me. What makes me even more sad is the fact that I know what she's going through and I wish I could tell her that I too have been there, but I can't do that because I don't believe it's professional. All I can do is be a good teacher to her and help her if ever she asks me.

In the meantime, I also make sure she's always carrying her water bottle and lunch box with her so she stays hydrated and has food throughout the day. I don't know that she actually eats the snacks though and I don't want to push her.

She is so thin and this illness has affected her to the point that she has lost some of her hair. (not noticeable though). I just want to hug her and tell her that she is wonderful, just for being who she is. I wish I could heal her, but I know it's not that easy. :( It's just so sad because she's only 13 years old....I can only be a good role model to her and support her as needed.

Ugh...

So since starting my job, I've been unable to eat more than one small meal and because of that I'm losing weight. I'm not sorry, except that by about 2pm I'm VERY tired and honestly feeling rather dizzy. It's amazing how week I've gotten as I've gotten older. The young me would have been able to take this in a stride.

I say I'm not sorry, but also, I'm not trying to do this on purpose. I just have so much on my mind and when we have lunch at school, by the time I get the kids to the cafe and I get back to class, I only have a bout 5 minutes to eat. It's not possible to eat a meal. I'm not complaining too much because I believe I needed to lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to get sick again.

:(

I just want to feel comfortable again....right now I don't feel comfortable. I feel stressed, out of sorts and otherwise exhausted.

I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to be the good Me again...but how can I when my mind is constantly occupied? I'm sure this is only a phase, so I'm not too worried about it...well, maybe a little.

Please, goddess, help me to stay healthy. Help me to put my health first instead of last. Please help me to eat and nourish my body in a healthy way that will help me accomplish my daily goals without being feebly exhausted.

Nerves, Anxiety and Appetite

Sometimes when I feel lonely, I want to block everyone out. I don't know why, as this is very counter-productive, but it's like a reflex...almost as if I'm saying, "you didn't forget me, I forgot you." I wonder if this has anything to do with my childhood and feelings of abandonment...so it's a protection from feeling abandoned as an adult. hmm. Interesting thought.

Not only am I feeling lonely right now, but I'm also feeling very overwhelmed. My job is about to begin (basically an aspect of it already has) and I'm nervous and excited. My stress levels are really high and I find myself often taking shallow breaths and find that my stomach muscles are very tight. Might be great for the abs, but not for relaxation! lol In addition to that, my appetite has been affected to the point that I hardly think about eating because I am in "survival mode." I think the body naturally does that. I think when we get stressed and all that adrenaline is pumping, the body naturally doesn't want to do things like digest food, which would take up what it perceives to be necessary energy. Of course, I am not everyone, so I don't really know how it is for anyone but me. It's just a theory I've come up with. Of course I know I must eat and so I do, but not like I should. I'm afraid of the ramifications of this. I need to keep my energy up so I don't crash and burn in the beginning of my job!

This is probably why in the past when I've started a new job I've gotten sick within a few weeks...it's because I allow myself to get stressed to the max and I don't eat like I should. It's just hard and when my husband (who eats a lot) isn't here, I tend to forget to eat. He's been gone all this week, so eating once a day for me is sort of the norm right now. Ugh. Why can't I just get myself together? Why am I such a hot mess?

I'll just be really happy when the first day of school gets here and I get to meet the students. I feel like once I'm in front of them, doing my thing, I'll be fine again. In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can and taking vitamins as a precaution.