So I've been monitor browsing (formerly known as window shopping, except now I don't have to leave the comfort of my home). Why can't I just buy a medium? I mean, I see an adorable summer dress and notice that the size small measurements are too small for me and then I totally throw out the idea of getting the dress at all. Why can't I just suck it up and buy the medium, which would fit perfectly? *grumble*
The fact is, I've not changed in size. I am still a size 2...it's the idea of having something on that says "MEDIUM" like a herald of bad news that makes me cringe. It's stupid. The fact is, most smalls are made for women much shorter than me. I am 5'8" and it's hard to find smalls that are 1.) long enough and 2.) wide enough in the bust (and I have NO BOOBS!)
Anyway, ordinarily it would deter me from enjoying my lunch, which consists of baked potato soup and an iced vanilla coffee...today though I will continue to enjoy them and merely grumble at the fact that the dress is just not for me.....at least not today. Why must we size things at all?
I mean, it's like giving a grade to a student. Is it REALLY necessary? Why can't we just NOT size clothes and then people have to try them on to see if they fit. I think it would be beneficial to businesses because how many times to we take something home without trying it on and realize we hate it, so we have to return it thus fucking up the traffic numbers for the store; all because we trusted a size tag on the garment? I think it happens a lot.
I suppose that concept would completely ruin the idea of monitor browsing...we would never be able to buy an item online. If the stores tried to "help" by saying, "if you typically wear a size 8, try this size" that would totally ruin the concept, because women would merely compare themselves that way.
We are always comparing ourselves, aren't we? To what? What the hell are we comparing ourselves to? Some ridiculous and completely IMAGINED idea of what we SHOULD be....how we SHOULD act? What the hell?
Does a woman ever truly LIVE anymore? Are we so consumed with outward appearances adn expectations in this day and age that we forget to live, so we are consumed with guilt for not grabbing life by it's horns while we were young enough to cause a little havoc? Wow...what a thought.
When I was a teenager, I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now and I caused a lot of havoc in the world back then. I was opinionated, creative, loving, bitchy, compassionate, etc. I also struggled with an eating disorder in between having a helluva lot of fun. I want that spunky, crazy girl back. I know she's in there and she wouldn't blink an eye at buying a medium...as a matter of fact, she would be browsing the Salvation Army for funky clothes she could alter to make her own. I want the eating disorder shit to leave my mind. I want to be free.
I want to be me.
That said, I just CAN'T buy the medium....I can't bring myself to do it. Dammit! I am so weak and pathetic. How on earth can I let something so insignificant affect an otherwise wonderful day? *grumble!*
Today is my son's 15th birthday. One the way home from getting the cake-baking essentials, I thought about the fact that in 5 years he'll be 20 years old. That's just....NUTS! I can't believe it! My goodness time flies. So anyway, I'm going to forget all this sizing bullshit and bake his cake and then don my bikini and get a few rays of sunshine on my deck in my nice, new slingback lounge chair. :)
Ta-ta for now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
All around us is a world made up of energy that is scintillatingly alive...the problem is it is too often ignored in the endless human quest for happiness.
Today my goal is to make an effort to feel this energy, realize it is both divine, natural and humane. I want to understand that I am a part of it...I am made up of it. It is me, just as it is a tree....a flower, the babbling brook. It is everything.
We all, all things on Earth, are made up of the same energy. This is how all living things are connected on a molecular level. I think as humans, we tend to forget this.
Today I want to remember this. I want to revive my spirit.
Today my goal is to make an effort to feel this energy, realize it is both divine, natural and humane. I want to understand that I am a part of it...I am made up of it. It is me, just as it is a tree....a flower, the babbling brook. It is everything.
We all, all things on Earth, are made up of the same energy. This is how all living things are connected on a molecular level. I think as humans, we tend to forget this.
Today I want to remember this. I want to revive my spirit.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, Monday
What a day to decide to take off to spend quality time with my kiddos. It's grey, gloomy and rainy outside. Ugh. The only good thing is it's a perfect day to go see a movie and that is our plan for later. However, I wish I had gone to work. The thing is, I promised the kids at the beginning of the year that I'd take a day off for their spring break since we have different break times. They chose today, even though the rest of the week is supposed to be beautiful. Oh well.
My back is killing me. One side is tight and makes it hard for me to turn my head to the left and the other side, under my arm is having spasms. Ugh. What the hell? I'm only 34!!! lol
Maybe I should just go chill with my kiddos and enjoy the lazy day, instead of regretting taking off. It's sad to have looked forward to a day off with them & then spend most of it wishing I hadn't. What a terrible thing!
That's it. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch with them and then we'll figure out what movie to see later. :)
My back is killing me. One side is tight and makes it hard for me to turn my head to the left and the other side, under my arm is having spasms. Ugh. What the hell? I'm only 34!!! lol
Maybe I should just go chill with my kiddos and enjoy the lazy day, instead of regretting taking off. It's sad to have looked forward to a day off with them & then spend most of it wishing I hadn't. What a terrible thing!
That's it. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch with them and then we'll figure out what movie to see later. :)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Screams Within
My husband asked, "What's wrong, honey?" as we sipped sake at our favorite Japanese restaurant on Friday night.
I turned my eyes from the window, where I gazed at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts, and smiled at him. "Nothing's wrong." I replied, honestly. there realyl was nothing wrong. My mind was turned to my work, on a particular student who that day insulted me. I generally don't care what students say about me, because they are 12/13 years old and are constantly saying things they don't really mean. It's a part of adolescence in America.
This particular student has given all the teachers on the team trouble except for me and I felt that we had a good teacher/student relationship going where he understood that I understood his situation and to be honest, I probably do understand more than the other teachers because of my childhood. Anyway, when he got mad and insulted me, I sent him out of the room very causally and went on with class...but it stuck with me. Honestly, I was pissed. However, my anger had nothing to do with him really, because my thought was something like this, "After all I've done for this kid, this is how he repays me?!" That is more about pride than the student.
He hurt my pride.
There is really no room for pride in life and especially not when working with children. That student reminded me to be humble.
As we sat at the table, my husband replied, "I know what it is: it got cold." He may have a point. My mood is very affected by the weather and, except for yesterday, this week has been cold and somewhat cloudy. I don't know if he was right this time, but he may have a point.
There are so many things going on in my head these days that it's hard to get it all out here on this blog. I'm consumed with so much that, in a way, I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. My eyes are constantly turned outward. I seldom have time to consider how I'm feeling inside. It's hard to consider my place in this world because I am worried about deadlines, children, my husband, my home, etc.
It leaves me wondering: who the hell am I?
It is dangerous to lose oneself, at least it's dangerous for me to lose myself. I tend to go to extremes when this happens.
Of late I am drinking too much and eating too little. A student said the other day, "No offense, Mrs. Grimsley, but do you ever eat?"
It was a strange thing to ask a teacher out of the blue and I lied to him, of course. I eat better than I have in the past, but I am not taking very good care of myself. I don't know why. I just do what I do. It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I LIKE being slender. I LIKE wearing the size clothes I wear. I LIKE looking in the mirror and thinking my figure looks statuesque. Is that bad?
That said, I don't think I look good. To mean, Jennifer Lopez looks good. I love womanly curves....on others; not on me. I don't know why. My husband is not a big guy and that bothers me sometimes too. I want to be small compared to him. Stupid, I know.
I think this post proves that I'm ready for Spring Break. I need a little time to myself, to reorganize my thinking and rejuvenate my spirit. Perhaps if I can't get in a proper vacation, I'll at least get a room somewhere so I can have a little getaway.
I turned my eyes from the window, where I gazed at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts, and smiled at him. "Nothing's wrong." I replied, honestly. there realyl was nothing wrong. My mind was turned to my work, on a particular student who that day insulted me. I generally don't care what students say about me, because they are 12/13 years old and are constantly saying things they don't really mean. It's a part of adolescence in America.
This particular student has given all the teachers on the team trouble except for me and I felt that we had a good teacher/student relationship going where he understood that I understood his situation and to be honest, I probably do understand more than the other teachers because of my childhood. Anyway, when he got mad and insulted me, I sent him out of the room very causally and went on with class...but it stuck with me. Honestly, I was pissed. However, my anger had nothing to do with him really, because my thought was something like this, "After all I've done for this kid, this is how he repays me?!" That is more about pride than the student.
He hurt my pride.
There is really no room for pride in life and especially not when working with children. That student reminded me to be humble.
As we sat at the table, my husband replied, "I know what it is: it got cold." He may have a point. My mood is very affected by the weather and, except for yesterday, this week has been cold and somewhat cloudy. I don't know if he was right this time, but he may have a point.
There are so many things going on in my head these days that it's hard to get it all out here on this blog. I'm consumed with so much that, in a way, I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. My eyes are constantly turned outward. I seldom have time to consider how I'm feeling inside. It's hard to consider my place in this world because I am worried about deadlines, children, my husband, my home, etc.
It leaves me wondering: who the hell am I?
It is dangerous to lose oneself, at least it's dangerous for me to lose myself. I tend to go to extremes when this happens.
Of late I am drinking too much and eating too little. A student said the other day, "No offense, Mrs. Grimsley, but do you ever eat?"
It was a strange thing to ask a teacher out of the blue and I lied to him, of course. I eat better than I have in the past, but I am not taking very good care of myself. I don't know why. I just do what I do. It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I LIKE being slender. I LIKE wearing the size clothes I wear. I LIKE looking in the mirror and thinking my figure looks statuesque. Is that bad?
That said, I don't think I look good. To mean, Jennifer Lopez looks good. I love womanly curves....on others; not on me. I don't know why. My husband is not a big guy and that bothers me sometimes too. I want to be small compared to him. Stupid, I know.
I think this post proves that I'm ready for Spring Break. I need a little time to myself, to reorganize my thinking and rejuvenate my spirit. Perhaps if I can't get in a proper vacation, I'll at least get a room somewhere so I can have a little getaway.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I attended a very interesting seminar last night at UK. It was for Invisible Children, which helps orphaned children in Uganda whose parents have (often times) been killed by the rebels.
I was very touched and moved by the presentation. They showed us ROUGH CUT, which told the story of a few of the children who, at that time, (2006) were homeless and sleeping in the bus station, doing homework by candlelight. I was so moved and then at the end, a very attractive young man with dark skin and a smile that lit up the room took the microphone. He said with a wave, "Hi. I am who they call Boni." He was one of the children from the film! He is now 19 and he is hoping to attend a university.
He was abducted by the rebels and had to live in the bush for two weeks where they tried to desensitize him to violence and killing. He escaped and lived a homeless life for a while before the rebels finally moved on. They are now in Sudan and other places.
They have a website...I encourage you to visit:
www.invisiblechildren.com
Going to that seminar has changed my life. It really has. Talking to Boni afterward was so nice too. He hopes to become a priest and then a journalist.
I was very touched and moved by the presentation. They showed us ROUGH CUT, which told the story of a few of the children who, at that time, (2006) were homeless and sleeping in the bus station, doing homework by candlelight. I was so moved and then at the end, a very attractive young man with dark skin and a smile that lit up the room took the microphone. He said with a wave, "Hi. I am who they call Boni." He was one of the children from the film! He is now 19 and he is hoping to attend a university.
He was abducted by the rebels and had to live in the bush for two weeks where they tried to desensitize him to violence and killing. He escaped and lived a homeless life for a while before the rebels finally moved on. They are now in Sudan and other places.
They have a website...I encourage you to visit:
www.invisiblechildren.com
Going to that seminar has changed my life. It really has. Talking to Boni afterward was so nice too. He hopes to become a priest and then a journalist.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Went out last night with a friend of mine for my birthday.
It was a great time...
We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.
I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.
He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.
We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.
Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...
I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.
:(
It was a great time...
We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.
I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.
He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.
We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.
Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...
I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.
:(
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
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