One of my students.

I have a student who suffers from anorexia. It's so sad to me. What makes me even more sad is the fact that I know what she's going through and I wish I could tell her that I too have been there, but I can't do that because I don't believe it's professional. All I can do is be a good teacher to her and help her if ever she asks me.

In the meantime, I also make sure she's always carrying her water bottle and lunch box with her so she stays hydrated and has food throughout the day. I don't know that she actually eats the snacks though and I don't want to push her.

She is so thin and this illness has affected her to the point that she has lost some of her hair. (not noticeable though). I just want to hug her and tell her that she is wonderful, just for being who she is. I wish I could heal her, but I know it's not that easy. :( It's just so sad because she's only 13 years old....I can only be a good role model to her and support her as needed.

Ugh...

So since starting my job, I've been unable to eat more than one small meal and because of that I'm losing weight. I'm not sorry, except that by about 2pm I'm VERY tired and honestly feeling rather dizzy. It's amazing how week I've gotten as I've gotten older. The young me would have been able to take this in a stride.

I say I'm not sorry, but also, I'm not trying to do this on purpose. I just have so much on my mind and when we have lunch at school, by the time I get the kids to the cafe and I get back to class, I only have a bout 5 minutes to eat. It's not possible to eat a meal. I'm not complaining too much because I believe I needed to lose a couple of pounds, but I don't want to get sick again.

:(

I just want to feel comfortable again....right now I don't feel comfortable. I feel stressed, out of sorts and otherwise exhausted.

I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to be the good Me again...but how can I when my mind is constantly occupied? I'm sure this is only a phase, so I'm not too worried about it...well, maybe a little.

Please, goddess, help me to stay healthy. Help me to put my health first instead of last. Please help me to eat and nourish my body in a healthy way that will help me accomplish my daily goals without being feebly exhausted.

Nerves, Anxiety and Appetite

Sometimes when I feel lonely, I want to block everyone out. I don't know why, as this is very counter-productive, but it's like a reflex...almost as if I'm saying, "you didn't forget me, I forgot you." I wonder if this has anything to do with my childhood and feelings of abandonment...so it's a protection from feeling abandoned as an adult. hmm. Interesting thought.

Not only am I feeling lonely right now, but I'm also feeling very overwhelmed. My job is about to begin (basically an aspect of it already has) and I'm nervous and excited. My stress levels are really high and I find myself often taking shallow breaths and find that my stomach muscles are very tight. Might be great for the abs, but not for relaxation! lol In addition to that, my appetite has been affected to the point that I hardly think about eating because I am in "survival mode." I think the body naturally does that. I think when we get stressed and all that adrenaline is pumping, the body naturally doesn't want to do things like digest food, which would take up what it perceives to be necessary energy. Of course, I am not everyone, so I don't really know how it is for anyone but me. It's just a theory I've come up with. Of course I know I must eat and so I do, but not like I should. I'm afraid of the ramifications of this. I need to keep my energy up so I don't crash and burn in the beginning of my job!

This is probably why in the past when I've started a new job I've gotten sick within a few weeks...it's because I allow myself to get stressed to the max and I don't eat like I should. It's just hard and when my husband (who eats a lot) isn't here, I tend to forget to eat. He's been gone all this week, so eating once a day for me is sort of the norm right now. Ugh. Why can't I just get myself together? Why am I such a hot mess?

I'll just be really happy when the first day of school gets here and I get to meet the students. I feel like once I'm in front of them, doing my thing, I'll be fine again. In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can and taking vitamins as a precaution.

Happiness and sadness all wrapped up in a moment.

Have you ever had a day when you feel both happy and sad at the same time? I'm having a day like that today. I feel as though I could burst into tears at any minute and for no particular reason. Maybe my love for my husband is too much to bear. Maybe I feel sad because human beings are so cruel to one another. Maybe my children make me smile too wide. Maybe a flower is just the perfect shade of yellow: like a little touch of sunshine in a sea of pink yarrow.

I don't know what it is...I don't know why I sometimes feel this way. It makes no sense. A song, even one I've never heard can bring tears to my eyes. I feel too consumed with beauty right now. I'm like a weirdo for sure! I know it's not normal.

Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who can just waltz through life in stiletto heels and a smile and not think of anything outside myself, but I can't be that person. I see everything. I notice all the things that don't matter in and of themselves, but without which, no image could exist. I notice the breeze and the way it sways through the trees, almost like waves and if I close my eyes and listen, I could be sitting near the sea. I notice the lovely blue heads of the despised blackbird my husband always wants to shoot. I see the fairy-like iridescent wings of the lace wing and I cannot help but believe that THAT insect is where the fairy ideas originated. It really is a beautiful insect and I feel I am insulting it by referring to it (usually I think of each of them as "she") as an insect.

Have you noticed how the fly is constantly cleaning itself? He'll clean first his front legs and then with the grace a ballerina could only dream of, he lifts his back legs and begins to clean those as well. I wonder what he thinks of me as I peer down on him...he with his many lenses in his eyes...I probably look like a strange army.

Now the feeling of tears has past and I'm thankful for that. Perhaps from now on when I feel this way, I'll just write it out and let it flow from me.

Marriage Equality: Love knows no bounds

Love knows no bounds.

My husband and I are proof of that. We instantly fell in love when I was 14 years old and maintained a long-distant relationship for several years. During this time, we talked a LOT through expensive long-distant phone calls and lots and lots of letters, some of which Scott sent with painted envelopes that contained a cool new cassette or a flier from a recent show. Mine often contained things too, but never anything nearly as cool. :)

Through a misunderstanding (not going to elaborate here), we separated and were apart for 10 years. During that time we never spoke to one another. He dated a girl for that time and I had a terrible relationship, had two children and then had a fairly good relationship. I never stopped thinking of Scott and I hoped that wherever he was, he was happy.

Then one day, his cousin (and my best friend0 emailed me and said, "I saw RSG. He wants your email address." When I read that I cried. I literally just broke down in tears and didn't know why. Nothing had even happened yet!

We emailed each other and called often, with the first call being from me and Scott answering with, "Hello?"
I said, "Scott?"
He then replied, "Oh shit."

Ha!

We met again in May 2003 when he and his mother came to Kentucky for a visit. I remember very well talking to Diana in the living room of her parents' house while I anxiously (pretending to be patient) waited for Scott to come downstairs. When I saw him, he smiled and put his arms around me and while I know his mother was saying something to us, I have no idea what she said. The rest of the world literally fell away and it was just Scott and me. It was straight up like a movie scene where the couple is in a bubble and everything around them becomes blurred.

A year later he moved to Kentucky and we were married in 2006, on the beach in Maui. Just us. Perfect.

Many people would say that what happened to us just couldn't happen, but it did. It's a scenario directors, producers and writers dream up...but it really happened to us.

Love is bigger than us. It's not something we choose. It just is what it is and it happens the way it does.

Love knows no bounds.

It's sad to me that there are thousands of people out there who are completely in love with one another (some for decades or more) but they are not allowed to marry one another simply because they are of the same sex.

In our country's past, marriage was once denied to slaves as well and/or allowed more to humor the slaves than as a legal union. Their marriages were often divided through sale and/or early death. They were not considered equal, by law.

The law then stated that "all men are created equal;" however, "men" did not mean Mankind, as it does today. At that time it only included white males. The definition and connotation of the word "men" had to be changed to include men and women of all races, ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds.

What makes the issue of marriage equality difficult is that the defense is based on faith and faith alone. Well, faith and outright prejudice by some as well. Faith is something a person believes and it cannot be proven by law. Many people would argue that I'm wrong about that. They would say, "the Bible says..." just as slave owners once said, "the Bible says that there are groups who are to be subservient to others." That's how they justified chattel slavery and that is how groups today are justifying a ban on gay marriage.

My problem with this is, say you're a Christian....OK. Sure, you believe homosexuality is a sin. Fine. Do you not also believe "thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged," and "he who is without sin cast the first stone?" Who are you to judge another? Why are you so against a couple marrying? So you say, "they are sinning!"

Well, according to your own beliefs, so are you....every single day of your life and according to your beliefs, sin is sin is sin.

Love knows no bounds.

There are so many people out there who have been in a loving and monogamous relationship for decades (and even longer) who are unable to get married because they are of the same sex. The thing that bothers me so much is that there are so many heterosexual couples who took their own marriages fro granted. Many recited vows that they failed to really even look at before they said them to one another. Others were too hungover from the night before to even remember saying the vows at all! In addition to that, heterosexuals have taken marriage so for granted that they go into marriage with the idea that they can just get divorced if it doesn't work out. Still others are treating their spouses poorly, paying for prostitutes and having extra-marital affairs. It happens all the time.

These same people are banning loving couples from marrying one another.

Love knows no bounds.
I say marriage should be redefined as: a legal union between two people.
Period.

A Pinch of Melancholy

Lately I've had entirely too much leisure time on my hands and it's caused my mood to become rather melancholy. Ugh.

I want to have some fun, but I have no money with which to have fun and besides, I'd like to have some family fun for once, but no one is ever up for it here. Caleb wants to do his own thing, Tristan wants to do his own thing and Scott wants to do his own thing as well. I mean, that's not to say that Scott and I don't do things together...we do. However, we seldom do things as a family and it makes me sad. I want to spend more time with all my guys.

So I'm home alone, watching a movie I've already seen at least three times.

My family and I enjoyed a lovely and peaceful hike today, along the Kentucky Palisades.