Sunday, February 28, 2010

Went out last night with a friend of mine for my birthday.
It was a great time...

We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.

I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.

He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.

We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.

Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...

I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Of late I have been extremely lazy/depressed and nothing I do...not that I've tried to do much, seems to help. The fact that it is freaking freezing outside and we have about 6 inches or so of snow on the ground certainly doesn't help matters. Ugh.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this?