Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Damaged Skin

When it comes to my health, there are two things I wish I had done differently:

1. Never started smoking. I've quit and I've not smoked in years, but I wish I had never started in the first place.

2. More importantly, I wish I hadn't used a tanning bed. EVER. My poor skin is so damaged from it. I feel like I look bad. I have three moles that are strange looking and have me a bit worried. I may see a dermatologist about them...and I'm not one to see a doctor. I just feel like I'm looking older than I am.


If I could go back in time, I'd change those things before ever touching my ED. that's how important they are to me.

Be kind to yo bad self and WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Porn Spam and the Online World = GRRRR

So funny (and humbling) to keep a blog and the only feedback I get is Asian porn spam.


If blogs were really for others, we'd call it email or a telephone call. We really know who the blogs are for. It's totally and completely for the blogger. Get a response, think "wow, I must have written something witty! I must be on my game today!" Don't get a response, think: "No one understands me! This is just like high school!"

Whatever, no one really cares....unless, of course your readers are your friends and then they probably DO care.

That said, for the most part people are only responding in hopes that you will in-turn respond to them. It's this strange insatiable cycle of blogging that serves to clutter the mind and either feed or starve the soul.

Whatever happened to REAL friendship? You know the kind, where you could argue like siblings and hug the next day as if nothing ever happened. Where they tell you if you have something in your teeth, because it's the right fucking thing to do. Nowadays, our friends are online in that online world where they can't even see our teeth, at least not in real time. Then you walk around with lettuce in your teeth and no friends to tell you it's there.

This blows.

I am amazed though with this online world. I've been an active member for geez, I don't know....YEARS....so many I swear my hands are starting to remain din their typing stance, even when I stand at ease...they are ready like strange claws; ready to reach out to someone; to piss someone off; to make someone feel comforted; to make someone laugh...they are at the ready. It's bad, really. I can see the wrinkles from internet and typing activity. Anyway, I really am amazed with this online world. I mean, I've met some really terrific people on here... in various places, over the last decade or so. I'd say I've met three really GREAT people that I have had the pleasure of meeting or would like to meet one day. that's it over the last decade or so. They are really considered my online friends.

There are online acquaintances as well and they are great too, but I don't hold the in my heart as dearly. I don't think about them unless they comment to my page (I have others besides this one...here is where I am safe from real family and in-person friends and I can express myself as I truly want to)and then I think of them and when I say "I'm sending warm thoughts your way," I truly am. I stop for a second and send happy thoughts, warm thoughts, healing thoughts, etc....

It's no lie.

You know, I think deep inside most people who get to know me don't really like me. Sure, this could be my psychosis with the ED, but I honestly believe it's true. I mean think about it....it's typically easy to make friends because as humans we generally believe others are like us. We make assumptions. However, it's upon realizing that others are NOT like us that we come to reality. For many, this means realizing that I'm not this or not that and then people want me to go away.

It's like this, at my school, I'm constantly surrounded by talk of Christianity. The author of The Golden Compass is not exactly banned from the district, but I would never be allowed to use his book as a teaching tool because he is an Atheist. I guess this means, as an employee of my school district, I should NEVER talk about my beliefs. It's strange to have to be so guarded. I generally change the subject to more important things....like students and teaching.

So anyway, there's my crap for today. Take it or leave it.

I'm sure to get some damned Asian porn spam....and I'll delete it, as usual. WTF? Why do they do that? It's so fucking irritating!

Friday, April 9, 2010

The End

I always say all this crap and then when I get responses, I immediately begin criticizing myself. I consider myself a bitch. I get close to others only to eventually remove them from my life. I feel like I am meant to walk alone...except that I like having my husband with me.

I typically believe others are out to hurt me in one way or another. I take EVERYTHING personally, even though I pretend I don't.

Basically I am the embodiment of a stupid lie. I lie constantly to myself and others. It's ridiculous, I know....however, it got me past 25 and I didn't really believ ethat was possible.

So what if someone gave me a hard time...who gives a shit? Really? I want to write. I want to publish a book that is in the works presently...and I'm afraid of a little criticism? How will I deal with feedback IF the book is published and IF anyone actually buys the damned thing? I always talk about free speech and "I have the right to say whatever I want," but I get mad when others say that...what B.S.

I'm a load of BS and I feel every ounce of it right now. Grrr....I'm so fucking pathetic. I need to get over myself. I'm so ridiculous.

Not that anyone here cares. I'm just venting....and typing is less painful to my fingers than writing with a pen these days! AHHHHHHHHHH! There. It's all out. I'm finally being honest with myself.

The End.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I think this blog is proof of just how egocentric I am. It's strange to write this, but I like it and so I'll continue with it until I get bored.

All I've done today is write, watch birds & eat. That's it; that's all The writing I've been doing has stirred up old feelings & by that I don't mean ED feelings....just old feelings. Old feelings of sadness and loss of really good friends. Old feelings of fear and heartache....but also old feelings of laughter. It's been interesting and I find that I can only write for so long before I absolutely must take a break from the past.

I must put it away & remember where I am: in the present. I have to pull myself back here. It was harder today than it has been the last few days. I am on page 73 and I'm delving into Part Two of my work. It's been a strange ride, but one I'm really glad I've decided to take. I think it is very necessary.

On a side note:

I found it interesting that I was mentioned in a book review for You Are Not Alone Vol 2. The author of the review quoted my poem. I felt immense pride for that. I'm happy someone acknowledged that poem...it was rather difficult to write & even more difficult to get to the point where I could write it. I owe a lot of that to my friend, Angie who told me I should submit it. Thanks, Angie.

Here's the link:


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Why is it that some people expect you to never say anything negative about their beliefs, but if you even so much as mention your own they automatically label you as "evil" or something equally horrible?

I ask this because while I appreciate and respect other beliefs, I do not see this reciprocated. It is to the point that I feel the need to hide my beliefs from others for fear of ridicule and alienation. The funny part is, I'd be alienated by those who claim to love all people and claim to be generous to all people.

I just find it very unfortunate that we can't get beyond such primitive ideas. It makes me remember why I isolated myself from others so much as a teenager. Because I was different and did not follow my mother's Christian ideas, she labeled me evil and said I was a devil worshiper. I wasn't! She only labeled me as such because I did not believe as she did and "anything not of God was of Satan."

Is this true?

I have no idea.

Sometimes I wish I were into country music and attended church on a regular basis so I could fit in around here. It would make life so much easier. However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Country music literally makes me sick and I just don't like the dogma of church. I've seen too many pastors get wealthy and I've seen too many churches tear down perfectly good homes to build parking lots. It's ridiculous.

I like Christ. I do not like most Christians.

I do not understand how the followers of Christ, who went from door to door to beg for food, was the son of a carpenter and eventually tortured mercilessly on a cross, could ask for THINGS...attend a church that is LOADED. I call it "Six Flags over Jesus." It is so very contradicting and it aggravates me to no end. These same people drive more than one SUV and judge, judge, judge.

Perhaps these are not true Christians? I just don't know. Perhaps I am being too judgmental. We are all human, after all and keeping up with the Jones' seems to be a theme here in America.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there praying for my soul right now after the posts I've put up on Facebook, but I don't care. Actually I do. I don't think I need my "soul saved." I believe it is just fine as it is. I feel full of light and love. I want to be peaceful. I want others to be happy. I want to feel love rather than judgment. I just want to live my life and let others live theirs.

I am a very opinionated person. I know this. It is one of my many flaws. However, if we don't let our opinions out, we lose our voice and I for one, do not want to lose my voice. That said, I dislike upsetting people. I think my ED side still takes over occasionally & I try to please everyone. I don't want anyone mad at me, even people I don't particularly like.

Light & love,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Here's something true and rather embarrassing about me...I am only sharing it as a way to make you laugh.

I bought a new journal today at Barnes and Noble (love that store, by the way). So anyway, when I shop for a journal, it's very systematic. I feel each one (must be leather bound...or at least that is my thought initially), close my eyes and try to absorb the energy of the journal...and I think to myself (literally), "which one will inspire my masterpiece?"

Ridiculous, I know...and the fact that I'm sharing this proves that I no longer have a filter and that I really no longer care what others think.

Anyway, I ended up choosing, not a leather one as I usually do, but a nice handmade fabric-bound one with a cool dial design and embroidery. I love it and whether or not it will inspire my masterpiece is irrelevant....it will certainly inspire me to write. Period. And that's what matters.

Here is a couple of pics:

I love that the pages have no lines...this will inspire me to sketch, which I love doing. :)

Baking Fiasco

So since being married, I've become even more domestically challenged. While I am able to clean house and do laundry, my abilities for other things beneath our roof are in constant decline.

Take today.

I used to be really good at baking & decorating cakes, even to the point that people asked me to do cakes for them. Today was the first day I've baked in probably a year and it's a monstrosity. Of course it could be that I baked it in a bikini (I was previously getting a little sun on the deck) while listening to Type O Negative.

I also went out on a limb and bought the whipped icing, which was a huge mistake. That shit sucks. It is way too light and therefore hard to spread because it doesn't stick well. *Grrrrr* So anyway, the freaking cake is chock full of crumbs, which I tried to hide with rainbow sprinkles (not very successfully, I might add). I edged it in blue, but the flipping whipped icing even caused THAT to fall.

So, to at least make it look a little better, the falling icing zone is now the back of the cake. At least it won't be visible in birthday pictures.

I think my cake-baking days are over...either that or I need to get out of my stupid ED head and bake more cakes so I have more practice...not sure that will happen anytime soon; at least not as long as I have the desire to wear a bikini.

I am certainly no domestic goddess & honestly, it's not a goal I have. I just wanted to bake a freaking cute birthday cake for my child; that's all. :( Bummer.

I blame these guys for the following....

The cake, of which I spoke, with...

the falling icing zone.

Lunch, online shopping (monitor browsing) and sizing

So I've been monitor browsing (formerly known as window shopping, except now I don't have to leave the comfort of my home). Why can't I just buy a medium? I mean, I see an adorable summer dress and notice that the size small measurements are too small for me and then I totally throw out the idea of getting the dress at all. Why can't I just suck it up and buy the medium, which would fit perfectly? *grumble*

The fact is, I've not changed in size. I am still a size 2...it's the idea of having something on that says "MEDIUM" like a herald of bad news that makes me cringe. It's stupid. The fact is, most smalls are made for women much shorter than me. I am 5'8" and it's hard to find smalls that are 1.) long enough and 2.) wide enough in the bust (and I have NO BOOBS!)

Anyway, ordinarily it would deter me from enjoying my lunch, which consists of baked potato soup and an iced vanilla coffee...today though I will continue to enjoy them and merely grumble at the fact that the dress is just not for me.....at least not today. Why must we size things at all?

I mean, it's like giving a grade to a student. Is it REALLY necessary? Why can't we just NOT size clothes and then people have to try them on to see if they fit. I think it would be beneficial to businesses because how many times to we take something home without trying it on and realize we hate it, so we have to return it thus fucking up the traffic numbers for the store; all because we trusted a size tag on the garment? I think it happens a lot.

I suppose that concept would completely ruin the idea of monitor browsing...we would never be able to buy an item online. If the stores tried to "help" by saying, "if you typically wear a size 8, try this size" that would totally ruin the concept, because women would merely compare themselves that way.

We are always comparing ourselves, aren't we? To what? What the hell are we comparing ourselves to? Some ridiculous and completely IMAGINED idea of what we SHOULD be....how we SHOULD act? What the hell?

Does a woman ever truly LIVE anymore? Are we so consumed with outward appearances adn expectations in this day and age that we forget to live, so we are consumed with guilt for not grabbing life by it's horns while we were young enough to cause a little havoc? Wow...what a thought.

When I was a teenager, I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now and I caused a lot of havoc in the world back then. I was opinionated, creative, loving, bitchy, compassionate, etc. I also struggled with an eating disorder in between having a helluva lot of fun. I want that spunky, crazy girl back. I know she's in there and she wouldn't blink an eye at buying a medium...as a matter of fact, she would be browsing the Salvation Army for funky clothes she could alter to make her own. I want the eating disorder shit to leave my mind. I want to be free.

I want to be me.

That said, I just CAN'T buy the medium....I can't bring myself to do it. Dammit! I am so weak and pathetic. How on earth can I let something so insignificant affect an otherwise wonderful day? *grumble!*

Today is my son's 15th birthday. One the way home from getting the cake-baking essentials, I thought about the fact that in 5 years he'll be 20 years old. That's just....NUTS! I can't believe it! My goodness time flies. So anyway, I'm going to forget all this sizing bullshit and bake his cake and then don my bikini and get a few rays of sunshine on my deck in my nice, new slingback lounge chair. :)

Ta-ta for now.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

All around us is a world made up of energy that is scintillatingly alive...the problem is it is too often ignored in the endless human quest for happiness.

Today my goal is to make an effort to feel this energy, realize it is both divine, natural and humane. I want to understand that I am a part of it...I am made up of it. It is me, just as it is a tree....a flower, the babbling brook. It is everything.

We all, all things on Earth, are made up of the same energy. This is how all living things are connected on a molecular level. I think as humans, we tend to forget this.

Today I want to remember this. I want to revive my spirit.