Work went well....it was quick and I was busy. What I love about that job is that it's a great workout! ;) I swear, I think I go up and down the stairs at least 10 times a day. It's crazy. No one was home today, so that made it even better.

The jeans I have on are too tight. I've had them since the crazy days of ridiculous fasting, binging/purging....self-hatred, etc. I think I need to discard them. What I'd like to do is make them into something good......Maybe I'll make a quilt and make it with loving thoughts....and I'll use the denim for random squares and I'll embroider favorite quotes on the denim squares! Hell yes, that's what I'm going to do and I'll leave it out on the couch to snuggle in on cold wintry days. No more wearing these damned pants and feeling bad for having FABULOUS curves. lol....hey, new life....new mindset. :) There is nothing better than being about to laugh at oneself.

Today I made 10 lip balms....spearmint and coconut. They are all labeled and packaged. I love making them and I finally hammered out a recipe, so now I have a standard to go by and I don't have to worry about testing each batch. Yay.

So much fun. :)

Waning

As the moon wanes, I feel my energy wane as well. I guess the moon serves as a lesson for me. There is a time to be energetic and a time to turn inward and be quiet. I am in the quiet, introverted stage. The difficult part about it is I have the trip coming up and there will be lots of excitement and socializing. I know I will enjoy it and I'm excited to see everyone. I also know that I'll likely feel extra worn out when I get home, because situations, whether positive or negative have an effect.

To help with this, I'm going to try to relax as much as possible for the next two days. I have to work, but only for three hours each day, so I can relax when I get home. I think a bit of exercise will do me good too. I've been rather lethargic the last week or so, so maybe a walk or a light jog will help boost my energy level.

I'm wide awake tonight...too much coffee this afternoon, so it'll likely be a long night for me. It's okay though. I'll make it. I always do. :)

I just feel strange.
I don't necessarily feel like socializing, but I am restless. It's odd and I just feel out of sorts. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Other than this strange restlessness, I am feeling pretty good. I think I am finally comfortable being who I am. It's a strange feeling really. Part of me thinks it's wrong to be satisfied to be myself.....how funny to say that! I mean, I was brought up to think that confidence equated vanity or conceit and loving oneself was the ultimate sin. I am learning that this is not true. I think to love oneself is the first step to happiness and loving others.

That said, there is always room for improvement and let me tell you, I have a large room for it! :)

Sisters

My sister and I.

Scott's sister and brother. She's the one who is expecting.

A swallowtail has been enhoying the zinnias and coneflowers for the last half hour by my deck. Having butterflies in my yard is such a wonderful thing. I love it.





I've been working on the quilt for my soon-to-be-niece. It's going slower than I thought, but I've been busy with other things as well, so it's hard to concentrate on it. Now that the bathroom is finished, I can focus on it more. I'm nearly finished appliquing the second turtle, so that's a good thing. I might only do 2 turtles so I can be sure it'll be finished when the baby comes. I'm so excited!! I'll get to see Holly this week in Colorado when Kelly and Cara get married. I'm sure she's adorable with her baby bump!!! She is a darling girl. I love her dearly. She smiles all the time and she is always kind and generous.





My sister is having trouble now. She has to have a colonoscopy to see if she has either colon cancer or Chrones Disease.....if neither of those, then she has IBS. The scary part is she's been having trouble for about 5 years, so whatever it is could be very advanced. I'm trying to think on the positive side, but it's hard when facing something so scary and potentially life threatening. I even said the most cliche thing to my sister because I had no idea what else to say...I told her to try not to worry about it until she knows what's going on. Of course that's not possible. I'm scared. I'm mostly scared because I have a really bad feeling and have for several months. I told her the day she and my mom went out to promise to go to the doctor as soon as possible. I just have a bad feeling and I can't shake it. I hope my intuition is wrong this time. I really and truly do. She's so young.....she doesn't deserve this.





In the meantime, I keep sending her good thoughts and I just ask for healing. I love her so much.

The bathroom is finished!

Yay! The bathroom is completed!
Scott and I are so relieved...it looks GREAT too, so our hard work paid off.
I'll post a pic as soon as I get a chance.

Home Work

I've been inspired to write poetry lately, so most of my new posts are there....see my profile page.

Today was interesting. I started out wanting to chill, because it was stormy and what better time to relax than when it's stormy! I love that. Anyway, the weather cleared up and Scott was talking about doing the bathroom...finally working on it after a week break (for me, not him). So, I went to Lowe's and bought the paint.

I'm probably the world's worst painter and I'm not afraid to say it. Because I am so terrible at it, it is a daunting and dreaded task for me. I strongly dislike it. If I were good at it, I might like it, but that's not the case. So anyway, it's looking good but because I suck at painting I'll have to do another coat so it looks nice. Shouldn't take long though and it'll be finished.

Then....no painting for at least a year!

Angie, how on earth you painted all that in your house, I'll never know!
You are amazing.

:)

Babbling Brook

One of Kentucky's natural wonders.

Natural Bridge

Yesterday was awesome. I took my kids to their friends' house for the night and I visited my friend's fabric store. I bought new fabric and notions and we chatted for at least an hour. We may be going to a dyeing class together in August, which would be so much fun. I may also be attending her natural dyeing class in September. I think I'll do that no matter what, because she's awesome and I'm sure the class will be fun.

While I was there I saw an old friend, Alson Cole. He told a funny story about and owl being in the cabin he's housesitting! It was funny and Alson has a great way of using his hands when he tells a story that makes it all the more interesting and hilarious. It was great to see him. Anyway, he was there because he is learning to make a quilt. It's his first one.

It was just a really cool moment. I was in a small room, surrounded by fabric and old friends from high school and we all had one thing in common...quilting. I loved it. I think that is one of my favorite moments of the summer.

Heather is such a dear friend of mine. I adore her. I wish we could hang out, but she is married to Ben, who is my ex-boyfriend and Scott says he's not comfortable hanging out with him. All I keep thinking is....who cares if he and I dated?? I love his wife! :) She and I were in band together and we have SO much in common. I adore her. So I guess if we hang out it'll only be me and her or me and them and not at my house unless it's just Heather.....weird, unnecessary limitations. I don't like that. however, I love and respect my husband and his feelings.

So anyway, after that I went to a little store called the Farmer's Mill, which sells Amish goods and they also have an Amish deli. I got handmade soaps, some apple butter, herbs and other things I really didn't NEED, but thought I'd get them anyway while I was there. It was cool. I love that there's a store like that there now.

On my way home I stopped at Barnes and Noble to buy a new journal and I grabbed a few books as well. One is called Fires in the Middle School Bathroom...it's advice for teachers from middle school students. I also got Sweeny Todd, because I wanted to see if the original musical is as bloody as the movie.

It was just my kind of day, you know? I chilled and did some things I've not gotten to do in a while. Today is going to be another great day because we're going to see Scott's Gramma and Grandad. We'll eat old country ham and have a nice chat. They are two of my favorite people in the world, so it's always great to see them. We've not been there in a while. I went yesterday, but Gramma wasn't there and I don't think Grandad knew who I was. He's about 90 ears old and he's losing his memory...not Alzheimers or anything, just getting old.

Wow, so this is what happens when my husband has a day off and I have coffee at my desk! I babble!!! :)

Lovely

It's a full moon tonight. Enjoy it. :)

What a great day it's been. I worked in the yard, pulling more weeds and watching the butterflies (I have so many butterflies visiting!). I also finished the turtle I was embroidering and have begun thinking about the border for the quilt.

I made lip balm today too....the tins came at around 11. I'm pleased with the consistency and am ready to send out samples. I just have to figure out a label and packaging.....hmmmm.

Pretty coneflowers by the deck.

My backyard.

One of my planters.

The sun catcher I bought at the art fair in Berea.

It's been a great day. I worked and then came home for lunch..they boys and I ate at Bob Evans. Then, we bought impatiens for the front walk (something I've needed to do for a while!) and worked in the garden for a few hours. It was fun. At least it was fun for me. I think after the first hour the kids were not having any more of that! :) Oh well, at least they helped me. I certainly enjoyed it.

So anyway, that's how my day has gone...oh, the birds were crazy today! It was great fun sitting on the deck watching them. I saw many yellow finches and cardinals. The cardinals were feeding babies that were as big as the parents! :) It was nice and relaxing.

Full moon is tomorrow.

Love and peace

The Home Work :)

Scott finishing up in the bathroom.

The pretty "witch balls" in the kitchen window. I love them!! Apparently the lore behind them is that witches used to hang them in the home to ward off negative spirits.

The new appliances in the kitchen. :)

A great day

Scott, Tristan and I went to the Berea Craft Fair today and saw some amazing artists. It was great. I bought a beautiful stained glass and copper sun catcher...it's hanging from the tree in the backyard right now. I had such a fun time. I never want to leave places like that. Scott said, "You fit right in with those people." hehe.

The setting was so lovely....forested and shady. I LOVED it. All around were interesting and creative people. Maybe next year I'll try to be a vendor...maybe I can sell my natural beauty products...but we'll see. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Then again, visualization is an important ingredient in success. :)

I hung the glass balls in the kitchen window. They are so beautiful. I'll try to get a picture soon to show. I also have 2 twisty glass ones that hang on each end. I love them....so pretty. They'll be even prettier when the sunlight comes through the window. :)

I'm going to work on the quilt for a while and then Tristan and I are off to a movie.

Blessings to you

The good days make it all worth it!!!!

Wow I am so sleepy! I swear, I can't get enough sleep. I awoke early and now I'm dragging.
I got Scott a set of Cuisinart cookware for our anniversary! He LOVES it. Our anniversary isn't until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist. I was too excited to show him.

He is getting me more glass balls for the kitchen window! I'm so totally excited about that. I LOVE THEM. I took down our valance and decided I'd rather have something a little more me and a bit whimsical, so I got a cool hand blown glass ball for Scott and hung it there...well, we decided we needed more, so he's getting more. :) Yay.

I have an old armoir in my sitting room from the 1940s and I want to put a cool little lizard pull on it.....more whimsy. You know, I told myself I was going to work to see my house as a form of self-expression, not a form of first impressions and I think it's coming easily to me! I think having the housekeeping job has helped me a lot. I see a family who value time together more than what their house looks like and that touches me deeply. I want that. I mean, I don't want to die and my kids be like, "well, she certainly kept the house clean, but I'll be damned if we got to live in it!" lol. I'm not that bad, but I have lightened up quite a bit and it feels really good.

Today I started scraping wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom and Scott and I are going to re-do it and paint it some sort of darker/medium blue. I want it to have a beachy feel. We might even find something we can use as a vanity...like a small chest of drawers and get rid of the outdated pedestal...outdated because it has a shell design...I have nothing against pedestals, but this one is from the 1980s and needs to be put away lovingly until it can be appreciated for a retro look. ;)

So anyway, that's it for the day. It's been a good one even though I've been walking around in a sleepy fog all day. Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary and it will be great too!!!! :)

Rev. Jesse Jackson

Okay, we've all heard about Rev. Jesse Jackson's comments regarding Barack Obama....well, I have to say while I'm a supporter of Obama and will vote for him, I do at least in part, agree with Rev. Jackson's criticisms of Obama.

One of my criticisms of Obama has been his emphasis on hope and moral obligation, but his lack of PLANNING. I believe he has a plan, but he needs to emphasize it to the public. So in that I do agree with Jackson. Of course I don't agree with the profanity and it is not my opinion that Obama "talks down to black people," but he does need to start letting us know what his plan is for America.

On Good Morning America, Chris asked Jackson if his beliefs are "shared by the black community." This pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. If Jackson were white would Chris have asked him if his views were "shared by the white community"? NO. Because in America white people are given the PRIVILEGE of being individuals while black people are lumped together in a group known as the "black community." It is one of the shames of our nation. It pisses me off so bad.

Letting go

Angie, you gave me an idea with the whole "cleaning the closet" day. You know, I've cleaned my physical closet, but I still hang on to old ideas, old thoughts in my spiritual/emotional closet and I need to clean it out. :)

I awoke this morning before 5, which is something I've always hoped to do....I mean, actually get out of bed at that time, not lie awake for an hour and fall asleep like I usually do. I think best in the morning when the earth is still and the color is soft and pastel....the house is quiet and I can turn my thoughts inward. I wake up at 4:35 every morning and today I decided I may as well get up. I'm glad I did.

One thing I noticed in my closet, right up front on the perverbial floor is the need to please people, especially my family. The thing is though, I cannot please them and never have been able to, so I've walked around....tip-toed around them hoping never to piss anyone off. Anytime one of them gets aggitated, I either immediately work to "fix" the problem (as at the beach between my sister and mom) or I immediately search my brain for what I've done to make them angry....and I don't even have to have spoken to them in months.

This is how life with them is.

This is not an issue of "do I love them"...this is the issue of "do I want to give them a prominent place in my life or love them from afar"? I honestly think it is best to do the latter. My boys got a glimpse of what I had to endure as a kid when we were at the beach and they are now very hesitant about going to my mom's house. My sister went off the second day we were there and Tristan, scared and nervous, got in the sofa bed next to me and asked what was wrong with her (it came out of nowhere). I didn't know, so I told him she must just be tired. I can't say I blame her for being tired after traveling so far with an infant and having a 5-year old who happened to have just gotten mad over I-don't remember-what. Yeah, of course she was tired....but direct the feelings in the right direction. Y'know?

So anyway, this morning I am cleaning my spiritual closet of things that hold me down, cause me to doubt myself, cause me to dislike myself and cause me to feel nauseous inside like I'm somehow a bad person.......all of these things are felt when I allow my family to take prominent positions in my life.

It sucks. I remember watching the Cosby Show and seeing how Mr. and Mrs. Huxtible were with their kids and seeing how the shows always ended up on a good note and how I wished my family was more like that. Not even JUST like that, but more like that. No one ever plotted behind another's back except for the occasional antic about which everyone laughed. They were a loving (if imaginary) family and something I did not have. Ask my mom and she'll tell you one of her reasons for pride was her so-called "tough love."

I've been thinking about this for nearly a year.....I reallythink it's in my best interest and my sons' best interests to love my family from afar. I hope one day it won't have to be this way, but for now it must. It just feels like it's the right time.

For everything there is a season and this is the season for cleaning closets. :) There are just so many things I want to accomplish these days and the worry and the question regarding my family just holds me down. I need a change.

Besides, there are other fish in the sea and I have my friends who are better than family to me.
Being this open is strange to me. Lately I've been so introspective. It feels good though. I feel relieved.

Much better.

Pic of my Papa and my mom in Bellevue






I'm feeling better about the situation that inspired the previous blog.

Meditation really does help me. Thank the Goddess!



My second wedding anniversary is this Friday and to be honest I just want to hang out at home, have some wine and make a yummy dinner we can enjoy on the deck. That's all I want to do. Peace, quiet and a few giggles. :) That sounds like divinity.



I need to order the tins for the lip balm. I have all the ingredients to make it, but I need the tins so I can work on getting the perfect consistency. I'd like to maybe send out samples to get honest opinions from friends. I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time. I really want honest opinions too....I might send out a survey card with the samples. hehe. Seriously. I'll send goodies and homework! Haha.



Love and peace to all.

Strange

Life is full of strange incidences...
Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated inside trying to deal with everything, but then I remember that I don't need to be anything but what I am. I send out love to those who try to hurt me and I let them go. I cut the spiritual chord and watch them drift into the space of the world.

I don't have to "fit" into everyone's mold. I don't have to please anyone but myself. That's all I have to do in this life.

Harm none, not even myself....this is the way.

Assholes n such

The boys and I went to the pool for a few hours. They had a great time. I only laid in the sun...my knee is killing me still from hitting it yesterday. I'm such a clutz! Oh well. It keeps me on my toes.

I still have trouble dealing with people in the world. Today some lifeguards...only teenagers were so immature and I ended up calling them assholes, instead of being the mature adult example. I was irritated and I let it be known. Well, I now feel like an ass for not maintaining my composure in front of them.

Why can't I find the same joy in people that I do in flowers and birds?

I've been devoting at least 30 minutes a day to meditation lately....except for the last two days, but it's okay. I was busy. I find that when I can't formally meditate, I take at least 5 minutes to remember why I'm here on this earth.....It's helpful....most of the time. ;)

Handsome Caleb at the beach.

Slightly grumpy/tired Tristan at the beach. :)

The Primrose Path

Me and my boys at Myrtle Beach. Fun times.

Shasta Daisy from my garden.

We got the new stove and refridgerator today! :) Yay. They look great. We now need to have our dishwasher delivered tomorrow and get a new hood for the stove and we're finished. The kitchen looks so nice! Scott and I worked hard all weekend getting the cabinets all shiny and adding new hardware to them. It was fun. We had beer and worked. Fun, fun.

In addition, I'm taking a new spiritual path....well, not so new to me, but in the past I'd only dabbled in it. These days I'm taking it very seriously and enjoying learning the history and all the aspects of it. I think I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm taking control of my life and no longer care so much what other people think about me. :) Yay. It's very liberating and empowering.

I am trying to not only enjoy watching my garden grow, but utilize the plants I grow by making all natural body care products. I recently made a lip balm that I really like a bunch. After using it, I can't wear commerical chap stick anymore...it tastes so gross! I found that my lip balm stopped my lips from peeling (after a week at the beach). I was surprised by that because when I use commerical chap stick, I feel the need to put it on constantly....they almost seem to take away my lips natural moisture. I don't get this feeling with mine. :) Yay.

I need to figure out the exact measurements and get my tins so I can start making them. I'm planning to order the tins this week. I also want to order bottles for my refreshing rosmary mist.

It's all pretty exciting to me.