Saturday, September 20, 2008


I'm feeling tired, angry and in general very unhappy lately. I don't know why, but I feel dissatisfied with pretty much everything in my life right now. EVERYTHING.

It's weird and unsettling.

Not sure what to do.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Sometimes I feel really lonely. Today I do a bit and you know, I didn't even notice it until I was meditating and it just came to me. I've been feeling weird lately and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me. Well, I realized I feel lonely.

Feeling lonely is a strange feeling, especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you and when you are in a room of people. Loneliness has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with where you are. It has to do with something deeper, something untouchable.

I noticed myself beginning to feel insecure and self-conscious. I've begun to feel like I'm inadequate and I don't know what brought on these feelings. Maybe I wore myself out. Maybe I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head and should seek medical attention. I don't know. Maybe I just started to feel lonely and ignored it for too long so it showed itself in other, more obvious ways so I'd open my eyes and pay attention.

The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered. I'll definitely not tell my husband I feel lonely because he'll smother me and that's not what I want at all. What DO I want?

I don't know. Maybe .......

I really and truly don't know. I think I'll give it more thought. I do feel better simply having recognized the sitution, but it needs to be dealt with as well. Since I discovered it while meditating, maybe I'll work through it while meditating as well.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


I'm revisiting a story I started last year. I think it's okay....(and it'll have to be even if it isn't) to leave a wtory and return to it later. I have so many "dusty" computer files with stories I've started and never finished and I used to think this was indicative of my flighty nature and showed my lack of focus, but I never thought about the fact that I DID save them. They aren't forgotten. I've just put them away for safe keeping until I am ready to revisit I did this morning.

I was sort of surprised that I could pick back up with it. It wasn't hard at all and I wrote another two pages. I guess if I revisit it more frequently and just write to see where it'll take me, I'll have a decent story going by the end of the year. I'm excited about this story. They say to write what you know and that's what I'm doing. I'm adding things from my life, things I've seen, things I've felt and I'm mixing them with things I wish I had known. It's fun.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Today.....writtien on a stone the desk of some writer I don't remember.

I've had a nice morning so far. Made breakfast for my sons and their two friends, watered the flowers and finished a reading assignment.

The only thing I have to do today is go to Kennedy's and pick up my final textbook, read three chapters from it and do an introduction letter. Then, I'm free. I will go to the bookstore later and relax for a while. Tonight I'll do the assignment. I don't want to rush or freak out about it. I'll get it done. No big deal.

If you've never tried Google SketchUp, you should give it a whirl. It's a fun, 3D program where you can build houses, classrooms, design and outdoor space...etc. I'm using it for a class and it's pretty cool. Google has all sorts of way cool programs now. I love it. I started using the Google Reader, because there are several websites that I visit on a regular basis and in Reader, you can add subscriptions and have the recent stories sent there. They're all together and you can read them without having to visit many different websites. It's pretty cool.

Fun gadgets. :)

So I've been in a funk lately. I know it's cyclic and I know it'll pass, but I hate it. I don't want to be bothered. My libido is basically DEAD.....a fact that doesn't make my husband (or me) very happy. WTF? Why does this happen? I dreamed that I was given Prosac and all my problems disappeared. hmmmmm......I wonder if it could be that easy. It's food for thought.

The same night though I dreamed I was visited by a ghost who told me as I slept (in the dream I was asleep as well) that her name was Amy. I woke up saying her name. It was weird to say the least. To simply dream about being asleep is sort of creepy to me. Too horror film for me.

Anyway. I want to take a bike ride today, but I really want to go to the arboretum and I haven't gotten my bike rack yet, so I will just limit myself to the knees aren't strong enough to go any further. I'll take the bike path, relax and just keep at it until I'm strong enough to venture further. What a cool thing that will be! I could ride to the grocery store or Walmart or something for a quick shopping trip. :) Yay.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

New Bike

I bought a bike today! I love, love, love it.

Caleb and I took a short bike ride and I think that's how I'll begin, as my knees aren't used to the motion yet. It's amazing what we can do as kids and then our adult bodies forget! ha!

My goal is to ride to as many places as I can and not use my car as often. We'll see how it goes. Even if I only use the bike for pleasure, it'll be well worth the money. :)

It's an ice blue mountain bike...I'd post a pic, but my batteries just died.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Wine is good.

I'll start by saying that. More than that though, wine and a quiet house is VERY good.
Why do they say that drinking alone is bad?
I think it's super FAB. hehe.

Seriously though.....I feel myself falling or rather gliding (as "falling" sounds negative) into a quiet, reposed and solitude mentality. I feel the need to be left alone to fight my challenges and hopefully overcome them.

It seems life is about challenges. When we conquer one, we receive another and strength and wisdom is gained each time....even when we fail, we gain wisdom. It's always win/win, if we listen.

I have the tendency to be self-destructive. If not one way, then another and matter what, there is always a vice gripping me. Sometimes it's not so strong and other times it's very annoying. These days though I have to say that I have a handle on most of my vices.....all except one that I'll not speak about and drinking...which I enjoy. They are my vices and only one is humiliating to me.

I know in my heart that to acknowledge something is to take away it's power, but I cannot speak of it. I need a hypnotist to help me, I think. It would be nice if it were that easy. :) Likely though it'll take work like quitting smoking and ridding my life of an ED.

I want to be free. I cannot remember being totally free...without worry, without self-consciousness. Am I not to be totally free? Am I to always have an internal battle? If so, I can deal with it. I only wish to know.

If I only knew what I was to deal with, I could better prepare.....

and I know I sound insane, but I really don't give a flying fuck.

Monday, August 18, 2008


It's weird.

I'm at a point in my life when I have no internal conflict. I am, at this time, without self-hate or self-destructive thoughts. I haven't experienced this before and I am at a loss of words. It's strange, but I feel sort of out of place. lol.

However, I find that without my self-destructive thoughts, I am able to turn mother nature, to friends, to my husband and children...and give more. I just have to remember that even when able to give to others, I cannot neglect myself. Sure, there is no immediate need to turn attention inward, but I can't begin to neglect myself.

Why am I saying this?

It almost feels like a warning to myself...don't run yourself down, don't forget to have Theresa time, don't forget to breathe and meditate, don't forget to give yourself the love you deserve.

It's easy to forget.

Yesterday I did take time for me. I took a hike and loved every minute of it. It was great to be with nature. There were other people on the trail though, being loud and it annoyed me. I really hoped for quiet, alone time. Perhaps I'll hike tomorrow while the kids are in school. I just want to get away. Where no one knows where I am. I just want to hide for an afternoon and come back refreshed and ready to conquer whatever comes my way.

All I've done today is sew and watch movies. That's it and that's all.
I almost feel guilty, except that I know classes start next week and so I should enjoy doing nothing while I can do it.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


I never thought I'd find a spiritual path that would make me genuinely happy. I've always held doubts about religion and still do. I think religion is simply a social network with the main goal of making money. Spirituality is a different story. I have a lot of respect for spirituality.

I believe I am a spiritual person, but not really a religious person. I have begun to and feel most comfortable believing in both a god and goddess...because in all mammals and many, many other animals, both male and female are required. Why would it be any different with humans...why should the male take precedence over the female? I do not like that. That is the main reason I denounced Christianity...I got tired of hearing how "evil" females are. It's just not right.....I think it was a fabrication created during King James' reign, when women were considered less than men and women were generally considered hysterical and insane or evil. Women were taught that they were inherently evil and basically worthless...they were taught that their yearnings were evil. It was all wrong.

Women are not evil. Women are not inferior to men. It's time for women to take their rightful position in this world. Empower yourself. Embrace your womanhood. Do not buy into the lies we have been fed for centuries and continue to be fed through the media.

Be who you matter what that is.
Today I have blemishes on my face...most likely from stress. Maybe from PMS...whatever. All day I worried about them adn worry only makes it worse. You know what, it doesn't matter if I have blemishes! Who cares?! Yeah, maybe I'll be uncomfortable for a while, but they'll pass and life will go on. Tomorrow I'm not going to hide behind my hair....or makeup. I'm going to just be me. Natural. Pure. Beautiful. Woman.

All women are beautiful to me. All shapes, all sizes, all colors, all heights, ALL women are beautiful. My wish tonight is that women will realize their beauty and stop trying to live up to what someone else thinks is beautiful. You know, there are so many young girls out there who are killing themselves to look the way they think others want them to look. It's terribly sad. It's so sad that they are being taught that their natural selves.......natural selves....are not enough. The goddess doesn't make bad things. She doesn't make ugly things.....from her comes only beauty and all women embody her. That is my opinion. If you believe in god, then the same thing goes for him. He does not make ugly things....all things are beautiful because they are from him. They embody him.

I still sometimes struggle with this and I believe it's because I've basically been brainwashed by the media, my mother and most of the other women I've known. All my life, I've heard women obsess about their bodies, whether their skin, their weight, their height, their shoe size....etc. All in a negative way that I believe that to be The Way. The thing is, they were brainwashed by the media too.

Maybe loving oneself as is just isn't glamorous enough....people always want to be "better." People are never quite happy enough with what they have....they always want what someone else has.

But the truth is something I used to say as a teenager and I think they are wise words.......

"Happiness is not in what you can acquire, but in what you already possess."

So, that said, here are a few words to me and all the wonderful women I know:





Sunday, August 10, 2008

Caleb "holding up" the arch. :)
We hiked at Red River Gorge on Saturday.

Tristan and Caleb.

Scott, Tristan and Caleb

Quilt I've been working's pieced together now though.

Cool tree at Red River Gorge

It's been a nice day.

I've quilted most of the day and finished the quilt top for Cara and Kelly. I did take off a few hours though and visited Gramma and Grandad and helped her pick peaches from her overloaded peach tree! It's so loaded (even still) that the branches are touching the ground. It's amazing. We had a nice time. The weather was great and her company is always a treat.

I'm sort of feeling grumpy today. I don't know why. No reason in particular...just grumpy. I'm sure it'll pass. Maybe I need a little quiet time. I've been so busy I've hardly spent any of my time in quiet....just being. I need time like that and sometimes I forget. I have caught myself saying..."I'll make time for meditation tomorrow" and then I don't do it at all and I say it again the next day. I'm the type of person who must have meditation time and I'm neglecting myself.

My professor keeps emailing me (the whole class) and while he's probably excited to begin his first semester at UK, I'm not ready to let go of my I've looked at the email and even though he wants us to download a couple of programs and familiarize ourselves with them, I'm in no mood and I've not even begun to do that. if I want to start school work BEFORE the semester begins? What the hell? I want to the words of Bridget Jones....BUGGER OFF! hehe.

I weighed myself today...the first time in a long time. What sort of bothered me was that I was pleasantly surprised by my weight. How annoying that I still have a reaction to a stupid fucking number that doesn't mean a fucking thing about who I am as a person. It's so stupid and annoys the hell out of me. I mean, a stupid number made me happy, even if only for a moment. What if it had been higher? Would I have been sad or upset? I don't know.....While I do not react physically to the number...meaning I don't adjust my eating accordingly, it is annoying to me that my emotions are still attached to that number, even in such a small way. What the hell? It ticks me off. Still though, this is the only time I've even thought of it all day except for the 2 seconds after I weighed myself, so that's an accomplishment compared to my past experience. So anyway...thought I'd get that out of my system.

I want cabernet sauvignon. :)

Scott leaves for New Mexico tomorrow. In a way I'm looking forward to a little T. time, but I always hate when he leaves. At least it's only until Thursday.

The kids are actually excited about starting school this year. Crazy. I can't believe the summer is coming to a's a little sad. I'm not ready this year. I'm sort of ready for sweater weather....not cold, but a little chilly would be good....but I'm not ready for school to start back. Ugh. All that work and no time to do things I enjoy. Oh well. That's life and this is my last semester of classes. After this one, I'm student teaching and then hopefully employeed by next August!

Thursday, August 7, 2008


I'm really tired tonight, but I feel restless, so this may be a long night of insomnia for me. I hope not. Maybe I'll make some chamomile tea to help me sleep. It always works. :)

I've had another busy day....working on the quilt and I also made another purse, bought materials for shipping lip balm (the right way, not just the envelope like I did for the freebies...sorry for that ladies). I got cute boxes and stuff. I liked the final product. How exciting to make a sale...thanks Angie! She said you sent her and that makes me really happy. That's how I want it to a grassroots thing.

So, my house is a mess, but I really don't care. Well, I do, but not enough to do anything about it yet. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! I may clean then, but then again I may just sew....Saturday we're going hiking...I can't wait! Colorado definitely inspired Scott and I to get out and enjoy Kentucky's mountains instead of taking them for granted. It'll be a fun day.

Maybe I'll clean on Sunday???? lol

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Blahh, blahh.

I'm not sure why on earth I have this blog, but whatever.

Today has been rather productive. I'm working on a quilt for my brother and sister in law. It's of least it's meant to represent what I saw on the way to Ouray. I was inspired. :)

I've also been working on a new purse and drinking beer. lol. What I really want is a glass of cabernet. :D Oh yeah.

So anyway, I set up a website to sell my stuff and it's been fun. So far no takers, but that's okay. I don't mind. I'm having fun and that's what matters most. I just really love making the stuff!!! :)

So school starts in one week fo the boys and I start on the 27. I'm somewhat excited and somewhat not. I'm just having such a great summer that it's a shame for it to end. BUT....with the beginning of school, I know Halloween is just around the corner and that makes me happy. I think I'd like to have an end of summer garden party though. It might be fun.

We'll see...I have a lot on my plate as it is. :)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Red Mountain

Our "friend"

Scottie and I

The beautiful Aspen trees

Our car on a cliff at Yankee Boy Basin

Red Mountain
We had a glorious time!!! We did tons of hiking...which was difficult at the higher altitude, but we had a blast! If you ever get a chance, visit Colorado. I've never seen such a vasta array of landscapes within a 2 hour drive. Crazy.
The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. Cara was stunning.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Work went was quick and I was busy. What I love about that job is that it's a great workout! ;) I swear, I think I go up and down the stairs at least 10 times a day. It's crazy. No one was home today, so that made it even better.

The jeans I have on are too tight. I've had them since the crazy days of ridiculous fasting, binging/purging....self-hatred, etc. I think I need to discard them. What I'd like to do is make them into something good......Maybe I'll make a quilt and make it with loving thoughts....and I'll use the denim for random squares and I'll embroider favorite quotes on the denim squares! Hell yes, that's what I'm going to do and I'll leave it out on the couch to snuggle in on cold wintry days. No more wearing these damned pants and feeling bad for having FABULOUS curves. lol....hey, new mindset. :) There is nothing better than being about to laugh at oneself.

Today I made 10 lip balms....spearmint and coconut. They are all labeled and packaged. I love making them and I finally hammered out a recipe, so now I have a standard to go by and I don't have to worry about testing each batch. Yay.

So much fun. :)

Sunday, July 27, 2008


As the moon wanes, I feel my energy wane as well. I guess the moon serves as a lesson for me. There is a time to be energetic and a time to turn inward and be quiet. I am in the quiet, introverted stage. The difficult part about it is I have the trip coming up and there will be lots of excitement and socializing. I know I will enjoy it and I'm excited to see everyone. I also know that I'll likely feel extra worn out when I get home, because situations, whether positive or negative have an effect.

To help with this, I'm going to try to relax as much as possible for the next two days. I have to work, but only for three hours each day, so I can relax when I get home. I think a bit of exercise will do me good too. I've been rather lethargic the last week or so, so maybe a walk or a light jog will help boost my energy level.

I'm wide awake tonight...too much coffee this afternoon, so it'll likely be a long night for me. It's okay though. I'll make it. I always do. :)

I just feel strange.
I don't necessarily feel like socializing, but I am restless. It's odd and I just feel out of sorts. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Other than this strange restlessness, I am feeling pretty good. I think I am finally comfortable being who I am. It's a strange feeling really. Part of me thinks it's wrong to be satisfied to be funny to say that! I mean, I was brought up to think that confidence equated vanity or conceit and loving oneself was the ultimate sin. I am learning that this is not true. I think to love oneself is the first step to happiness and loving others.

That said, there is always room for improvement and let me tell you, I have a large room for it! :)


My sister and I.

Scott's sister and brother. She's the one who is expecting.

A swallowtail has been enhoying the zinnias and coneflowers for the last half hour by my deck. Having butterflies in my yard is such a wonderful thing. I love it.

I've been working on the quilt for my soon-to-be-niece. It's going slower than I thought, but I've been busy with other things as well, so it's hard to concentrate on it. Now that the bathroom is finished, I can focus on it more. I'm nearly finished appliquing the second turtle, so that's a good thing. I might only do 2 turtles so I can be sure it'll be finished when the baby comes. I'm so excited!! I'll get to see Holly this week in Colorado when Kelly and Cara get married. I'm sure she's adorable with her baby bump!!! She is a darling girl. I love her dearly. She smiles all the time and she is always kind and generous.

My sister is having trouble now. She has to have a colonoscopy to see if she has either colon cancer or Chrones Disease.....if neither of those, then she has IBS. The scary part is she's been having trouble for about 5 years, so whatever it is could be very advanced. I'm trying to think on the positive side, but it's hard when facing something so scary and potentially life threatening. I even said the most cliche thing to my sister because I had no idea what else to say...I told her to try not to worry about it until she knows what's going on. Of course that's not possible. I'm scared. I'm mostly scared because I have a really bad feeling and have for several months. I told her the day she and my mom went out to promise to go to the doctor as soon as possible. I just have a bad feeling and I can't shake it. I hope my intuition is wrong this time. I really and truly do. She's so young.....she doesn't deserve this.

In the meantime, I keep sending her good thoughts and I just ask for healing. I love her so much.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The bathroom is finished!

Yay! The bathroom is completed!
Scott and I are so looks GREAT too, so our hard work paid off.
I'll post a pic as soon as I get a chance.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Home Work

I've been inspired to write poetry lately, so most of my new posts are there....see my profile page.

Today was interesting. I started out wanting to chill, because it was stormy and what better time to relax than when it's stormy! I love that. Anyway, the weather cleared up and Scott was talking about doing the bathroom...finally working on it after a week break (for me, not him). So, I went to Lowe's and bought the paint.

I'm probably the world's worst painter and I'm not afraid to say it. Because I am so terrible at it, it is a daunting and dreaded task for me. I strongly dislike it. If I were good at it, I might like it, but that's not the case. So anyway, it's looking good but because I suck at painting I'll have to do another coat so it looks nice. Shouldn't take long though and it'll be finished. painting for at least a year!

Angie, how on earth you painted all that in your house, I'll never know!
You are amazing.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

Babbling Brook

One of Kentucky's natural wonders.
Natural Bridge

Yesterday was awesome. I took my kids to their friends' house for the night and I visited my friend's fabric store. I bought new fabric and notions and we chatted for at least an hour. We may be going to a dyeing class together in August, which would be so much fun. I may also be attending her natural dyeing class in September. I think I'll do that no matter what, because she's awesome and I'm sure the class will be fun.

While I was there I saw an old friend, Alson Cole. He told a funny story about and owl being in the cabin he's housesitting! It was funny and Alson has a great way of using his hands when he tells a story that makes it all the more interesting and hilarious. It was great to see him. Anyway, he was there because he is learning to make a quilt. It's his first one.

It was just a really cool moment. I was in a small room, surrounded by fabric and old friends from high school and we all had one thing in common...quilting. I loved it. I think that is one of my favorite moments of the summer.

Heather is such a dear friend of mine. I adore her. I wish we could hang out, but she is married to Ben, who is my ex-boyfriend and Scott says he's not comfortable hanging out with him. All I keep thinking is....who cares if he and I dated?? I love his wife! :) She and I were in band together and we have SO much in common. I adore her. So I guess if we hang out it'll only be me and her or me and them and not at my house unless it's just Heather.....weird, unnecessary limitations. I don't like that. however, I love and respect my husband and his feelings.

So anyway, after that I went to a little store called the Farmer's Mill, which sells Amish goods and they also have an Amish deli. I got handmade soaps, some apple butter, herbs and other things I really didn't NEED, but thought I'd get them anyway while I was there. It was cool. I love that there's a store like that there now.

On my way home I stopped at Barnes and Noble to buy a new journal and I grabbed a few books as well. One is called Fires in the Middle School's advice for teachers from middle school students. I also got Sweeny Todd, because I wanted to see if the original musical is as bloody as the movie.

It was just my kind of day, you know? I chilled and did some things I've not gotten to do in a while. Today is going to be another great day because we're going to see Scott's Gramma and Grandad. We'll eat old country ham and have a nice chat. They are two of my favorite people in the world, so it's always great to see them. We've not been there in a while. I went yesterday, but Gramma wasn't there and I don't think Grandad knew who I was. He's about 90 ears old and he's losing his memory...not Alzheimers or anything, just getting old.

Wow, so this is what happens when my husband has a day off and I have coffee at my desk! I babble!!! :)

Thursday, July 17, 2008


It's a full moon tonight. Enjoy it. :)

What a great day it's been. I worked in the yard, pulling more weeds and watching the butterflies (I have so many butterflies visiting!). I also finished the turtle I was embroidering and have begun thinking about the border for the quilt.

I made lip balm today too....the tins came at around 11. I'm pleased with the consistency and am ready to send out samples. I just have to figure out a label and packaging.....hmmmm.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Pretty coneflowers by the deck.

My backyard.

One of my planters.

The sun catcher I bought at the art fair in Berea.

It's been a great day. I worked and then came home for lunch..they boys and I ate at Bob Evans. Then, we bought impatiens for the front walk (something I've needed to do for a while!) and worked in the garden for a few hours. It was fun. At least it was fun for me. I think after the first hour the kids were not having any more of that! :) Oh well, at least they helped me. I certainly enjoyed it.

So anyway, that's how my day has gone...oh, the birds were crazy today! It was great fun sitting on the deck watching them. I saw many yellow finches and cardinals. The cardinals were feeding babies that were as big as the parents! :) It was nice and relaxing.
Full moon is tomorrow.
Love and peace

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Home Work :)

Scott finishing up in the bathroom.

The pretty "witch balls" in the kitchen window. I love them!! Apparently the lore behind them is that witches used to hang them in the home to ward off negative spirits.

The new appliances in the kitchen. :)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A great day

Scott, Tristan and I went to the Berea Craft Fair today and saw some amazing artists. It was great. I bought a beautiful stained glass and copper sun's hanging from the tree in the backyard right now. I had such a fun time. I never want to leave places like that. Scott said, "You fit right in with those people." hehe.

The setting was so lovely....forested and shady. I LOVED it. All around were interesting and creative people. Maybe next year I'll try to be a vendor...maybe I can sell my natural beauty products...but we'll see. I'm getting ahead of myself here. Then again, visualization is an important ingredient in success. :)

I hung the glass balls in the kitchen window. They are so beautiful. I'll try to get a picture soon to show. I also have 2 twisty glass ones that hang on each end. I love pretty. They'll be even prettier when the sunlight comes through the window. :)

I'm going to work on the quilt for a while and then Tristan and I are off to a movie.

Blessings to you

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The good days make it all worth it!!!!

Wow I am so sleepy! I swear, I can't get enough sleep. I awoke early and now I'm dragging.
I got Scott a set of Cuisinart cookware for our anniversary! He LOVES it. Our anniversary isn't until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist. I was too excited to show him.

He is getting me more glass balls for the kitchen window! I'm so totally excited about that. I LOVE THEM. I took down our valance and decided I'd rather have something a little more me and a bit whimsical, so I got a cool hand blown glass ball for Scott and hung it there...well, we decided we needed more, so he's getting more. :) Yay.

I have an old armoir in my sitting room from the 1940s and I want to put a cool little lizard pull on it.....more whimsy. You know, I told myself I was going to work to see my house as a form of self-expression, not a form of first impressions and I think it's coming easily to me! I think having the housekeeping job has helped me a lot. I see a family who value time together more than what their house looks like and that touches me deeply. I want that. I mean, I don't want to die and my kids be like, "well, she certainly kept the house clean, but I'll be damned if we got to live in it!" lol. I'm not that bad, but I have lightened up quite a bit and it feels really good.

Today I started scraping wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom and Scott and I are going to re-do it and paint it some sort of darker/medium blue. I want it to have a beachy feel. We might even find something we can use as a a small chest of drawers and get rid of the outdated pedestal...outdated because it has a shell design...I have nothing against pedestals, but this one is from the 1980s and needs to be put away lovingly until it can be appreciated for a retro look. ;)

So anyway, that's it for the day. It's been a good one even though I've been walking around in a sleepy fog all day. Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary and it will be great too!!!! :)

Rev. Jesse Jackson

Okay, we've all heard about Rev. Jesse Jackson's comments regarding Barack Obama....well, I have to say while I'm a supporter of Obama and will vote for him, I do at least in part, agree with Rev. Jackson's criticisms of Obama.

One of my criticisms of Obama has been his emphasis on hope and moral obligation, but his lack of PLANNING. I believe he has a plan, but he needs to emphasize it to the public. So in that I do agree with Jackson. Of course I don't agree with the profanity and it is not my opinion that Obama "talks down to black people," but he does need to start letting us know what his plan is for America.

On Good Morning America, Chris asked Jackson if his beliefs are "shared by the black community." This pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. If Jackson were white would Chris have asked him if his views were "shared by the white community"? NO. Because in America white people are given the PRIVILEGE of being individuals while black people are lumped together in a group known as the "black community." It is one of the shames of our nation. It pisses me off so bad.

Letting go

Angie, you gave me an idea with the whole "cleaning the closet" day. You know, I've cleaned my physical closet, but I still hang on to old ideas, old thoughts in my spiritual/emotional closet and I need to clean it out. :)

I awoke this morning before 5, which is something I've always hoped to do....I mean, actually get out of bed at that time, not lie awake for an hour and fall asleep like I usually do. I think best in the morning when the earth is still and the color is soft and pastel....the house is quiet and I can turn my thoughts inward. I wake up at 4:35 every morning and today I decided I may as well get up. I'm glad I did.

One thing I noticed in my closet, right up front on the perverbial floor is the need to please people, especially my family. The thing is though, I cannot please them and never have been able to, so I've walked around....tip-toed around them hoping never to piss anyone off. Anytime one of them gets aggitated, I either immediately work to "fix" the problem (as at the beach between my sister and mom) or I immediately search my brain for what I've done to make them angry....and I don't even have to have spoken to them in months.

This is how life with them is.

This is not an issue of "do I love them"...this is the issue of "do I want to give them a prominent place in my life or love them from afar"? I honestly think it is best to do the latter. My boys got a glimpse of what I had to endure as a kid when we were at the beach and they are now very hesitant about going to my mom's house. My sister went off the second day we were there and Tristan, scared and nervous, got in the sofa bed next to me and asked what was wrong with her (it came out of nowhere). I didn't know, so I told him she must just be tired. I can't say I blame her for being tired after traveling so far with an infant and having a 5-year old who happened to have just gotten mad over I-don't remember-what. Yeah, of course she was tired....but direct the feelings in the right direction. Y'know?

So anyway, this morning I am cleaning my spiritual closet of things that hold me down, cause me to doubt myself, cause me to dislike myself and cause me to feel nauseous inside like I'm somehow a bad person.......all of these things are felt when I allow my family to take prominent positions in my life.

It sucks. I remember watching the Cosby Show and seeing how Mr. and Mrs. Huxtible were with their kids and seeing how the shows always ended up on a good note and how I wished my family was more like that. Not even JUST like that, but more like that. No one ever plotted behind another's back except for the occasional antic about which everyone laughed. They were a loving (if imaginary) family and something I did not have. Ask my mom and she'll tell you one of her reasons for pride was her so-called "tough love."

I've been thinking about this for nearly a year.....I reallythink it's in my best interest and my sons' best interests to love my family from afar. I hope one day it won't have to be this way, but for now it must. It just feels like it's the right time.

For everything there is a season and this is the season for cleaning closets. :) There are just so many things I want to accomplish these days and the worry and the question regarding my family just holds me down. I need a change.

Besides, there are other fish in the sea and I have my friends who are better than family to me.
Being this open is strange to me. Lately I've been so introspective. It feels good though. I feel relieved.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Much better.

Pic of my Papa and my mom in Bellevue

I'm feeling better about the situation that inspired the previous blog.

Meditation really does help me. Thank the Goddess!

My second wedding anniversary is this Friday and to be honest I just want to hang out at home, have some wine and make a yummy dinner we can enjoy on the deck. That's all I want to do. Peace, quiet and a few giggles. :) That sounds like divinity.

I need to order the tins for the lip balm. I have all the ingredients to make it, but I need the tins so I can work on getting the perfect consistency. I'd like to maybe send out samples to get honest opinions from friends. I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time. I really want honest opinions too....I might send out a survey card with the samples. hehe. Seriously. I'll send goodies and homework! Haha.

Love and peace to all.


Life is full of strange incidences...
Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated inside trying to deal with everything, but then I remember that I don't need to be anything but what I am. I send out love to those who try to hurt me and I let them go. I cut the spiritual chord and watch them drift into the space of the world.

I don't have to "fit" into everyone's mold. I don't have to please anyone but myself. That's all I have to do in this life.

Harm none, not even myself....this is the way.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Assholes n such

The boys and I went to the pool for a few hours. They had a great time. I only laid in the knee is killing me still from hitting it yesterday. I'm such a clutz! Oh well. It keeps me on my toes.

I still have trouble dealing with people in the world. Today some lifeguards...only teenagers were so immature and I ended up calling them assholes, instead of being the mature adult example. I was irritated and I let it be known. Well, I now feel like an ass for not maintaining my composure in front of them.

Why can't I find the same joy in people that I do in flowers and birds?

I've been devoting at least 30 minutes a day to meditation lately....except for the last two days, but it's okay. I was busy. I find that when I can't formally meditate, I take at least 5 minutes to remember why I'm here on this earth.....It's helpful....most of the time. ;)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Photobucket Handsome Caleb at the beach.

PhotobucketSlightly grumpy/tired Tristan at the beach. :)

The Primrose Path

Me and my boys at Myrtle Beach. Fun times.

Shasta Daisy from my garden.

We got the new stove and refridgerator today! :) Yay. They look great. We now need to have our dishwasher delivered tomorrow and get a new hood for the stove and we're finished. The kitchen looks so nice! Scott and I worked hard all weekend getting the cabinets all shiny and adding new hardware to them. It was fun. We had beer and worked. Fun, fun.

In addition, I'm taking a new spiritual path....well, not so new to me, but in the past I'd only dabbled in it. These days I'm taking it very seriously and enjoying learning the history and all the aspects of it. I think I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm taking control of my life and no longer care so much what other people think about me. :) Yay. It's very liberating and empowering.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I am trying to not only enjoy watching my garden grow, but utilize the plants I grow by making all natural body care products. I recently made a lip balm that I really like a bunch. After using it, I can't wear commerical chap stick tastes so gross! I found that my lip balm stopped my lips from peeling (after a week at the beach). I was surprised by that because when I use commerical chap stick, I feel the need to put it on constantly....they almost seem to take away my lips natural moisture. I don't get this feeling with mine. :) Yay.

I need to figure out the exact measurements and get my tins so I can start making them. I'm planning to order the tins this week. I also want to order bottles for my refreshing rosmary mist.

It's all pretty exciting to me.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

My garden is coming along beautifully!

The irises above bloomed a few weeks ago and are still doing well in the front.....the thing about irises is their short bloom time leaves me wanting more, but it's okay. :)

The roses are blooming in the backyard and the clematis is about to bloom. It's going to be beautiful as this year is is climbing the fence, not just the post! A pleasant surprise that will be gorgeous in a few weeks.


Just to add.....Tristan and I had fun passing football in the yard the other are a few pics to share. :)



Sunday, April 27, 2008


This weekend I was called a Renaissance woman. What a strange thing to be called. Sure, I have a lot of interests, but I am not a master of anything and more like a dabbler in everything, so the title of Renaissance woman is really not accurate. It was nice to hear though.

My garden is coming to life, but I have spacing issues in the front that need to be addressed. I want to get more bleeding hearts and have fewer daylilies out front. I can't believe how well the bleeding hearts are doing. It's awesome.

I'm a little annoyed by something that was said this weekend. My husband's aunt made the point of mentioning more than once that I've yet to "start my career." You know, the way I look at it, I've had a full-time career for 13 years....I'm a mother and a damned good one at that. I am embarking on a second career.....that of a teacher and will begin in one year. The fact that she said that really annoyed me. The path I've chosen is my own. If other people don't like it, I really can't help that, nor would I want to. Grrrrr....

Other than that the weekend has been wonderful. Scott and I hung out and had a great time. The boys were with Scott's cousins and went to see National Treasure 2 again. They had a blast. So it was a great weekend except for the nosey rich woman whom I truly adore....but she was really annoying this weekend.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Starting from the bottom

This is a wreath I made for the front door....I think it sings Spring! :) It's raining and while I tried to diver the runoff from the new bed, it's not working the way I'd really like it to. I need to get rocks from my mom's place to build a small retaining wall, but the ground is still so wet there that we can't get to them. Grr.. It's okay. We need the rain and the fact that my yard is so lush and green and everything is looking beautiful makes me less upset about the water situation. Luckily monarda doesn't mind the super moist soil.

Can't say much for the Gaillardia, but it is a little higher and less water is getting there. As a matter of fact, since I put in the pipe, the water is simply following along the bricks and less soil is being taken away. Still, it bothers me and I can't wait to be able to do the rocks. It'll be lovely when it's finished and the flowers will be happy. :)

In front, bulbs are on fire! I love them. The house looks so pretty and inviting and it seems my neighbors are noticing, because they wave to me more....weird, I know but true. :) After all, before we moved here, it was dark and filled with pachysandra and vinca. I like both of them, but there are so many lovely plants that it's a shame to simply fill an area with those. I added a few more pansies to the front and so it is finished until I add summer annuals. I'm free to watch it grow and evolve into whatever it is to be. So fun.

In the back, the roses are postively loaded with leaves! Last year they were not nearly as lush and I hated seeing the old wood in them. Well, I pruned them lightly and added coffee grounds to all the beds...apparently that helped them a lot. I'm just so amazed with how lush everything is. Thankfully we've had a lot of rain and I've amended the soil like a madwoman! Both have helped a lot and my hard work paid off for sure.

So when people say to start from the bottom that is absolutely true when gardening!

It's really easy to add things to your garden to help it too.....Here's what I've done.

In autumn:

Rake leaves in yard, chop them with mower and add to beds as mulch.

In spring:

Work in leaves from autumn

Add coffee grounds from Starbucks (free Grounds for Your Garden see or other coffee shop

Honestly, that's all I've done and now anytime I scoop out some soil with my trowel, I get a scoopful of earthworms! It's awesome....even though I feel bad for hurting the worms when I dig. :(

Sunday, April 6, 2008


This is a pic of the new bed. It's small, but I only wanted a little room for some Monarda and Gaillardia. Spring-flowering trees are the best!

Okay, I've been sick for several days, but the weather is so lovely and it's so warm outside that I couldn't resist going outside to enjoy it.

Finches played in the yard today and a few stopped at the feeder, even a lovely yellow finch. I love them. I can't wait for the echinacea to bloom again this year, because the finches really loved them last year. I was so surprised when I looked out the window and saw a yellow finch eating the seeds from the flower! It was great.

So I'm having trouble in the back with rain runoff. I created a new bed, or rather extended and existing bed, but the runoff from the rain is washing away the topsoil. I tried to use a pipe to drain the water away, but it was too short. So, I have tried to fix it again today. I'm not sure it'll work and it's less than aesthetically beautiful. Still, if it works, I can deal with it. Besides, when the Shasta Daisies fill out, they will cover it. I can also get some mulch to cover it as well. Hopefully it'll work, or my Gaillardia and Monarda may be in trouble. While Monarda likes moist soil, I doubt it'll be able to withstand what the runoff is doing. Grrr....

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Constant Gardener

The garden is coming to life and it's so exciting to watch! The crocus are blooming now and the daffodils and tulips are just about to bloom. I am so excited to see the bright colors!

I started many plants from seed this year. It's my first time to try this and so far I'm having good luck. I have zinnias, chamomile, petunias, tomatoes, coleus, cosmos and morning glory to name a few. Growing plants from seed is one of the coolest things I've ever done. I's so fun to watch them germinated and grow their first real leaves. I'm really excited about it. I think of how cool it'll be to see them bloom in the garden! :) That's so awesome.

Sometimes I think I should have gone into horticulture. I love plants and can't imagine that I'd ever tire of working with them and taking care of them. Oh well. I chose a different path and hey, I'm enjoying gardening on my own time, in my own way.

I planted an orange trumpet vine today and can't wait to see it bloom later on. I don't know how they do in their first year, so I'm not going to get too excited about blooms this year. I know it'll bloom next year, so for now I'll just enjoy watching it grow bigger.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A bit of a Tangent

So later today I'm going to participate in a live chat about race in the classroom. I can't wait to see what others are talking about...I am however, mortified that when I was typing my question, I was near the end of a 2 part question and accidentally hit the enter key! It sent the question before I completed it! Oh well, the first question was a good one. If they use it, that's cool. If not, well I know to be more careful next time. I'm excited about participating in this, as it is a major part of what I'm concerned with in schools. The major question for the live chat is: Should teachers be race blind or not? Should race be an issue in the class or not? I can see it both ways. I see that race has been a major issue in this country for the entirety of its existence and it has shaped many facets of our government. I also see the basis of being race "blind." I don't think it should shape how teachers respond to students or how they create a classroom environment. However, I do believe it is vital to include examples and discussions in the classroom that are ethnically diverse. To do otherwise is to white wash a student's experience in school and that is detrimental to their development.

Our country was shaped by many, many ethnic backgrounds. Look at the food you eat. Look at the tags on the clothes you wear. Look at the car you drive. Look at the bike you ride. Look at your computer screen. This diversity did not happen by accident. It has happened over time and has shaped life as we know it.

Students should be exposed to and allowed to explore this in the classroom. They need to know that while Thomas Jefferson takes and is given credit for building Monticello, he did not build it. He designed it. His slaves built it.

They need to know that Eli Whitney who takes credit for the cotton gin, did not create it. His slave created it and built it. Think about it. Why on earth would a white man who did no physical labor come up with that concept? His slave came up with it, as the person who performed the physical labor day in and day out.

Later in our history, there were gangs in New York fighting for rights. They were of Irish, Italian and German decent. This is important.

Women were fighting (and still continue to fight) for equal rights and equal pay as men. Do you know in Kentucky there is still not a rule that employers are required to pay women the same amount as men? Such BS.

The students need to know about the treatment of Japanese and Chinese in the 1950s, who were taken from their homes and imprisoned on suspicion of communism. They were American citizens! They lost what they had because our government singled them out based on their race...nothing more. That was not long ago.

Today Muslims are being attacked, simply because of their religion. I worked with a girl who is a Muslim and I saw the looks she got. I saw how people overlooked her to talk to me, the white girl behind the counter. Sometimes I ignored them and walked away, making it necessary for them to talk to my Muslim friend. I did it to make a point. She is a very nice, very bright and funny girl. She is just like me. She simply believes differently. She's not a freaking terrorist. She's a college kid. She's a daughter. She's a sister. She's an aunt and she's a friend.

Another time, at the same store where I worked, my dear friend, Amal, from Jordan was discriminated against simply because of her accent. The lady said (among other terrible things), "You're one of those people aren't you? Are you one of those Muslim people?" The lady was very rude to Amal and Amal tried to be polite, but she eventually got angry and told the woman, "No, I'm not Muslim. Do you see this cross? (showing the woman her necklace) I am a Christian!" Then Amal refused to help the lady......the lady sent a bad message to the HR people who in turn fired my friend. She was fired for taking up for herself.

I know I go on and on about this stuff, but it is really embedded in my heart. I can't help it. I can't get enough of it and at the same time I'm sick to my soul of it. How can this country, this so-called powerhouse be so utterly stupid? How? When it systematically pushes some down while it meticulously raises up others? I understand the need for social stratification in a capitalist economy. I do. I just find it interesting that along with that social stratification comes a color line. Not a particular color line....but I can say that the majority are non-white and that frustrates me. This is 2008!

So many people of all ethnic groups scream, "Get over it. Slavery ended a long time ago. Segregation ended a long time ago....racism ended a long time ago!" I say this...if you think racism has ended, then you are either blind or you have surrounded yourself with a group of people who are just like you. They are likely of the same ethnic group and religious beliefs as you, therefore you do not see what goes on. Is this a bad thing? It is not bad to surround yourself with others like you. We do that by nature. However, it is wrong to remain ignorant of a problem that continues to fester in our country. If you leave a wound unattended, it will eventually make itself known to you. The question is, will you be ready?

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It's a good day.

"Rock It Out" quilt block

New aquarium

Seedlings doing well.
So, school is going well and everyone in the house is happy and healthy. That's saying a lot considering many people have the flu these days. Ugh. Thankfully we've been spared so far. There's not a hell of a lot going on. tomorrow is my birthday, so that'll be fun. We're going to hand out and my firend, Laura and her fiance are coming over for dinner and wine. Should be a good time.

Monday, February 18, 2008

The short version...

I was just here, doing this very thing when an error occurred. Bleck. I hate errors. So, the whole thing was scrapped.

Two seeds have germinated so far in my seed starting kit.

I have to work on a paper today, beefing it up, because it's due at 8 am tomorrow. Ugh. I'll be so happy when I no longer have to write papers for instructors.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


So it's been a while since I was here and I'd call that a very good thing. I'm filled with less angst. I'm basically recovered from my eating disorder, except for occasional issues, but it never gets inside my head. I know I can talk about it with my husband and I can get by.

Of late my interest is in school and research. I'm also getting excited about gardening and have ordered many plants. I'm happy to say that I have a new bloom in my garden. It's the first of the year and I'm super happy about it. It's a lovely yellow crocus. I spent a bit of time in the garden today labeling the bulbs that are poking through the soil. It took a while, but now they are marked and I won't disturb them later while I'm working out there.
I've also started seeds indoors. I'm happy to simply have some things underway. I love to watch things grow. It's something that has always given me pleasure. Funny how we can get all wrapped up in things and forget what's important to us.
This blog will likely focus on the garden more than anything else.....but I'm not making any promises.