The Watery Abyss

I wrote this poem when I was feeling very afraid of change. Change can be hard, even when it is good. This poem was written in 2009, but I feel like it is still pertinent to my life at present, as I begin a journey toward freeing myself from depression and as I begin a new and very complex stage in my career as a teacher. I am very afraid. I do not know for sure that I won't fail miserable at it. I don't know that I've ever really failed at anything before, but that doesn't mean a lot, because I have generally been the type of person to only do so much so that if I did fail, it wouldn't be such a shock. This is very different. I want to succeed. I want to do well. Will I do it again next year? I have no idea.

The depression part is scary too. I've dealt with it for so very long I can't even guess. I think it came before the eating disorder, but I can't be sure...the chicken or the egg scenario, I guess. Anyway, I was looking through old journals and I noticed a very alarming pattern of ups and severe lows. I also took into consideration the way I am in the winter...this year was the first year when all I had to do was think about winter and tears will well up in my eyes. I swear, I don't know that I could handle another without help. I was very frightened by that thought and so I was relieved when my doctor asked if I might want to try an anti-depressant for seasonal depression. I agreed immediately. She said I could start it in October if I wanted, but I decided to go ahead and try it that day. It takes up to 4 weeks for it to have effect and so I knew it should be working by October and that's when my depression starts to sneak in. I'm so scared of it that I didn't want to wait and end up having it not work until November...generally by Thanksgiving, it is in full swing and I have trouble enjoying family gatherings and other things.



The Watery Abyss

I ride slowly, cautiously
the waves of life, as
back and forth they rock.
I feel sick this night
terror wrenches my heart
and turns my stomach.
I know not my surroundings
although I can hear you laugh
and I feel your arms around my waist.
My bosom heavy; burdened
cries deep within my frame
and I fight to keep the bile down
I fight to smile.
Riding the waves of life,
hoping not to crash hard upon the shore
where they wait, arms waving
in greeting
as I vomit overboard
wishing to turn back toward the watery abyss.
TWGrimsley 2009


My husband and I had dinner last night at our favorite restaurant, Miyako. I love the sushi there and the service is awesome too. We are regulars for sure; going at least every other week...Chung is our favorite waiter. the owner is very kind too. He always says hi, lets us know the recent family news and he always shakes Scott's hand. If only restaurant owners knew how important it is to simply greet their patrons....

Anyway, so we were there and we were chatting about what we want to do in the next couple of years. The other day he asked if I'd want to move from our home. I've thought about this...our house was built in 1988 and so it is getting to the age where it needs maintenance and Scott is sort of getting tired of worrying about what might happen next. He asked if I might want to get an apartment or townhouse so we can save money and not be tied to a mortgage and all the maintenance.

At first I felt sad about it...this is our first real home. I love this house. I say "by, pretty house," every time we leave the driveway...lol. Not kidding. However, I for sure understand the benefits of moving to a place where we can call the landlord and have him deal with the maintenance. Also, if we can save some money, that would be great for the future when the kids head off to college.

Scott and I want to move to Europe for one year after the kids are settled where they will be attending school and such. I'm scared of the idea of having them in America and being across the Atlantic. However, I think it's a great idea. It's not like we'll be gone forever...although that's a possibility. I told him, "We may not want to come back to America." He replied, "I know."

I'm so scared of not having my kids with me. It's a fear that is so deep inside myself. I literally tense up with the thought, but I know at some point I'll have to let them go. they will grow up and start their own lives. the thing is, I think they will need a couple of years on their own before I'll feel comfortable enough to leave the country...they will still be so young and they will still need me on occasion, even if they pretend they don't.

So there is a hell of a lot going on inside my head right now...I think it's a good thing I started the medicine right away....

Enough babbling.
Ciao.

I know this is probably uncouth, but really...I wouldn't do it if I didn't need help. I seldom ask for help as it is, but my students really need your help.

Please help by donating even just 5.00 to this project. PLEASE! We will send hand-written thank you notes and we will be forever grateful. Plus, the materials can be used by future students, so it's soooo not a waste of money. In addition, your donation is 100% tax deductible.

Please help if you can.
I appreciate it so much.

Sunny.

Here's a link:

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

You'll have to log in, but please don't be scared...it's approved by the BBB and you can check for yourself first if you're still unsure.

Thanks so very much in advance!!!!

Classroom Project

Hello...I just wanted to share a link to a project I am trying to do this year. With fund cuts and limits on my own income, getting things like a classroom set of books is nearly impossible.

I hope perhaps you could donate to my project. Your donation is completely tax deductible and you get a response email immediately that you can print for your records.

Let me tell you a little about the project. The name of it is: What do you show to the world?

I want my students to do a bit of self-reflection and think about how they portray themselves to the world...what do they want others to see? What do they hide behind? How do they want to be remembered, etc....the possibilities are endless. I want to read the novel, The Skin I'm In by Sharon Flake, which discusses topics that are very real to my students, such as prejudice, being insecure, trying to fit in, finding one's place in the world. I will guide them to making real text-to-self connections through class discussions.

To follow-up, I want the students to create and decorate paper Mache masks that show what they show to the world. I will be providing the sequins, feathers, buttons, etc...I just need help getting the basics.

What I would really love help with is getting the class set of books, the paints and brushes and the masks. I've tried to be frugal when considering the supplies, because I'm not one to waste money myself. At first I thought a class set of the masks would suffice, but I realized each mask would need about 24 - 48 hours to dry completely and I don't want my classes to be two days behind each other, so I am hoping to get a mask for each student.

I'd liek to note that my school no longer has art class due to budget cuts, so this is my way of giving them the opportunity to express themselves artistically, which I feel is vital to a well-rounded education.

If you can't help, perhaps you can just tell others about the project....but if you can help, even just 5.00 can help get a couple of masks and I and my students would appreciate it VERY much!!!

You will receive a hand-written thank-you note from my class for your donation.

BEst wishes,
T.

Below is the link:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=411484

I've been getting my classroom ready this week...and wow is it a job!! Seriously. The teacher who was there before me had the class loaded with textbooks, something I very seldom use in my classes. Let's face it, how often did you have fun using a textbook at school?

That's what I thought. ;-)

So here are a few pics of my classroom in the works...it is far from finished. I have to get more color in there!!!




Education can take you anywhere in the world...




I'll post more later...I'm tired.

A great day on the river

I am utterly and completely exhausted! Scott and I went kayaking again today and the water was up higher than last time...well, I was being silly and spent much of my time spinning the kayak around and around in the river. It was great fun, but requires a lot of energy. I also thought it would be funny, since the water was cruising us right along, with very little help from paddling, to paddle with my arms, so I did this or several minutes...it actually worked too! lol However, it was exhausting! Ha!

So anyway, I'm TIRED! It was great fun though.

Tomorrow I will begin summer school at my new school. I'm terribly nervous, so it's probably good that I'm so utterly exhausted...maybe I won't toss and turn tonight.

There is nothing like sitting on the deck in the heat & humidity. Truly, I love it. I know it's nuts, but i love it. :)

I think blogging on the go will be super fun...especially while on vacation & such! If you've not signed up yet you should! :)

Testing 123 testing...

Summertime

It's only 1:42 in the afternoon and I really want a glass of red wine. Is that bad? Possibly...am I going to indulge myself? Probably. I mean, it's the weekend for me and this is my only week off before summer school, which starts Monday and I'll be doing that through July 9th. I think a little glass of red wine sounds divine.

*pours self a glass of red wine*

I know this is going to sounds really strange, but I'm wearing my bikini. Does anyone else do this? Run around the house in your bikini just for the hell of it? I do. I don't know why, but in summer I literally live in mine and this one is new....it's a cute new Roxy that's charcoal gray with bright green tie-dye. I love it. You know, that's one thing I am sooooooo very thankful for with having kicked my ED away. I actually love buying and wearing bikinis nowadays. I'm not going to say I don't feel insecure sometimes...I do. I think everyone does, unless they look like Heidi Klum, but we all know she's a digital creation.....right? ;-) I mean, how on earth does that woman have children and then walk the runway in two months?! Wow. So anyway, back to me....far less interesting and certainly less toned and, shall we say, endowed??? hehe.

I've been planning for summer school via email with the teacher I'll be co-teaching with. She's fabulous and while I though it was going to be difficult to plan without meeting in person, it's actually been really great! It helps that we both have the same basic ideas for teaching the class, so that means all we have to do is gather the materials to enhance learning. We're reading a book entitled Night John by Paulsen. It's a great little short book with a powerful message. I also bought the movie and Shakira (the Social Studies teacher) found primary sources online so the kids can do an activity with that and the sources go so perfectly with the book! I also have some primary sources and we'll use those as well. We're going to teach about the Underground Railroad throughout the class and the dean of students said we will have a period actor come who is playing a slave who belonged to Lincoln...she said, "I've tried to contact Lincoln, but he has not returned the call." (hahaha!) We are also taking the kids on a field trip using charter buses...can you believe this???? For summer school!! I'm totally blown away, because my last school had so little by way of funds that we could barely muster two field trips and they couldn't afford summer school. It's sad for them, really...but I'm so happy to be in a school with some funds! :)

Other than summer school planning, I've spent most of my free time either on the river kayaking or rolling around in my inline skates. It's been great fun. My plan for the summer after summer school is to be on the river as much as possible. I love it. I dare say I love it more than the ocean....which surprises me. I do though. There is something special about paddling a river. You see things you wouldn't see otherwise. The world slows down...you become more alive than you knew you could be. I truly love it and wish I could spend days at a time out there. I want to visit other rivers though. I want to get on some whitewater this year...I'd like to get the boys out in a big family raft so they can have a safe first experience, where I won't have to worry about them. I think I'll take them out on the Big South Fork for their first time out solo...because it's like a class 3 (with only occasional) 4 rapids and that's only at certain times of the year. Not bad for learning. They are naturals...you should see them in a kayak!!! I was blown away & so proud of them. :)

So anyway, the summer is going to be great. I'm truly looking forward to it.

Joy Ache

At this very moment, I am both extremely happy and extremely sad.

I'm happy because my life is just what I always hoped for as far as my marriage, career and kiddos go. I swear...it's wonderful and actually it might be better than what I hoped for, because I had no idea how good married life could be. I'd never met anyone who was truly happily married, so I had no idea it could happen.

I'm extremely sad because I miss my siblings. I really do. For whatever reason, they dislike me...have said they hate me and well, there is nothing I can do about that. I've chosen to keep my distance and I plan to continue with that, because what else is there to do? I'm tired of being hurt. The thing is, it hurts to keep a distance. Then again, you can't close a distance if the other person doesn't want it and they don't want it.

Today I watched the movie Coco before Coco Chanel and I loved it. Her story inspires me. I'm not saying I want to be like her...as in what she accomplished, although I have had that dream (funny because I am a self-taught seamstress and unable to make clothes). I have said things like, "People should be wearing my name on their clothes." Why? I have no idea...

I want to be successful in whatever I endeavor to do. I have no idea where this life will take me. I have no idea what I truly want in my life. I know for now I am focused on my career...possibly even more than my family. I'm good at my job. I love it. I also have plans to get better and venture out to do new things concerning my career. At present I'm working on a manuscript for a NCTE publication. I hope it will make the publication. I don't know if it will, but I hope it does! I have also been asked to participate in a presentation at an upcoming conference. I've accepted and should the proposal be approved, I'll be dealing with the nerves of presenting to other professionals! Yikes. It'll be really cool, but extremely scary.

I don't know why I even agreed to do it...I just thought, "What the hell? Why not?" At this moment though...I'm freaking out a little bit. Why did I say yes? Yikes...The closer it gets, the higher my anxiety will get, I'm sure. I just figured...this is my one life, why not take chances and see what will happen? I think I owe it to myself to see what comes of it. :)

Damaged Skin

When it comes to my health, there are two things I wish I had done differently:

1. Never started smoking. I've quit and I've not smoked in years, but I wish I had never started in the first place.

2. More importantly, I wish I hadn't used a tanning bed. EVER. My poor skin is so damaged from it. I feel like I look bad. I have three moles that are strange looking and have me a bit worried. I may see a dermatologist about them...and I'm not one to see a doctor. I just feel like I'm looking older than I am.

Ugh.

If I could go back in time, I'd change those things before ever touching my ED. that's how important they are to me.

Be kind to yo bad self and WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Porn Spam and the Online World = GRRRR

So funny (and humbling) to keep a blog and the only feedback I get is Asian porn spam.

Whatever.

If blogs were really for others, we'd call it email or a telephone call. We really know who the blogs are for. It's totally and completely for the blogger. Get a response, think "wow, I must have written something witty! I must be on my game today!" Don't get a response, think: "No one understands me! This is just like high school!"

Whatever, no one really cares....unless, of course your readers are your friends and then they probably DO care.

That said, for the most part people are only responding in hopes that you will in-turn respond to them. It's this strange insatiable cycle of blogging that serves to clutter the mind and either feed or starve the soul.

Whatever happened to REAL friendship? You know the kind, where you could argue like siblings and hug the next day as if nothing ever happened. Where they tell you if you have something in your teeth, because it's the right fucking thing to do. Nowadays, our friends are online in that online world where they can't even see our teeth, at least not in real time. Then you walk around with lettuce in your teeth and no friends to tell you it's there.

This blows.

I am amazed though with this online world. I've been an active member for geez, I don't know....YEARS....so many I swear my hands are starting to remain din their typing stance, even when I stand at ease...they are ready like strange claws; ready to reach out to someone; to piss someone off; to make someone feel comforted; to make someone laugh...they are at the ready. It's bad, really. I can see the wrinkles from internet and typing activity. Anyway, I really am amazed with this online world. I mean, I've met some really terrific people on here... in various places, over the last decade or so. I'd say I've met three really GREAT people that I have had the pleasure of meeting or would like to meet one day. that's it over the last decade or so. They are really considered my online friends.

There are online acquaintances as well and they are great too, but I don't hold the in my heart as dearly. I don't think about them unless they comment to my page (I have others besides this one...here is where I am safe from real family and in-person friends and I can express myself as I truly want to)and then I think of them and when I say "I'm sending warm thoughts your way," I truly am. I stop for a second and send happy thoughts, warm thoughts, healing thoughts, etc....

It's no lie.

You know, I think deep inside most people who get to know me don't really like me. Sure, this could be my psychosis with the ED, but I honestly believe it's true. I mean think about it....it's typically easy to make friends because as humans we generally believe others are like us. We make assumptions. However, it's upon realizing that others are NOT like us that we come to reality. For many, this means realizing that I'm not this or not that and then people want me to go away.

It's like this, at my school, I'm constantly surrounded by talk of Christianity. The author of The Golden Compass is not exactly banned from the district, but I would never be allowed to use his book as a teaching tool because he is an Atheist. I guess this means, as an employee of my school district, I should NEVER talk about my beliefs. It's strange to have to be so guarded. I generally change the subject to more important things....like students and teaching.

So anyway, there's my crap for today. Take it or leave it.

I'm sure to get some damned Asian porn spam....and I'll delete it, as usual. WTF? Why do they do that? It's so fucking irritating!

The End

I always say all this crap and then when I get responses, I immediately begin criticizing myself. I consider myself a bitch. I get close to others only to eventually remove them from my life. I feel like I am meant to walk alone...except that I like having my husband with me.

I typically believe others are out to hurt me in one way or another. I take EVERYTHING personally, even though I pretend I don't.

Basically I am the embodiment of a stupid lie. I lie constantly to myself and others. It's ridiculous, I know....however, it got me past 25 and I didn't really believ ethat was possible.

So what if someone gave me a hard time...who gives a shit? Really? I want to write. I want to publish a book that is in the works presently...and I'm afraid of a little criticism? How will I deal with feedback IF the book is published and IF anyone actually buys the damned thing? I always talk about free speech and "I have the right to say whatever I want," but I get mad when others say that...what B.S.

I'm a load of BS and I feel every ounce of it right now. Grrr....I'm so fucking pathetic. I need to get over myself. I'm so ridiculous.

Not that anyone here cares. I'm just venting....and typing is less painful to my fingers than writing with a pen these days! AHHHHHHHHHH! There. It's all out. I'm finally being honest with myself.

The End.

Writing

I think this blog is proof of just how egocentric I am. It's strange to write this, but I like it and so I'll continue with it until I get bored.

All I've done today is write, watch birds & eat. That's it; that's all The writing I've been doing has stirred up old feelings & by that I don't mean ED feelings....just old feelings. Old feelings of sadness and loss of really good friends. Old feelings of fear and heartache....but also old feelings of laughter. It's been interesting and I find that I can only write for so long before I absolutely must take a break from the past.

I must put it away & remember where I am: in the present. I have to pull myself back here. It was harder today than it has been the last few days. I am on page 73 and I'm delving into Part Two of my work. It's been a strange ride, but one I'm really glad I've decided to take. I think it is very necessary.



On a side note:

I found it interesting that I was mentioned in a book review for You Are Not Alone Vol 2. The author of the review quoted my poem. I felt immense pride for that. I'm happy someone acknowledged that poem...it was rather difficult to write & even more difficult to get to the point where I could write it. I owe a lot of that to my friend, Angie who told me I should submit it. Thanks, Angie.

Here's the link:

http://eatingdisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/you_are_not_alone_i_and_ii_book_reviews

Why is it that some people expect you to never say anything negative about their beliefs, but if you even so much as mention your own they automatically label you as "evil" or something equally horrible?

I ask this because while I appreciate and respect other beliefs, I do not see this reciprocated. It is to the point that I feel the need to hide my beliefs from others for fear of ridicule and alienation. The funny part is, I'd be alienated by those who claim to love all people and claim to be generous to all people.

I just find it very unfortunate that we can't get beyond such primitive ideas. It makes me remember why I isolated myself from others so much as a teenager. Because I was different and did not follow my mother's Christian ideas, she labeled me evil and said I was a devil worshiper. I wasn't! She only labeled me as such because I did not believe as she did and "anything not of God was of Satan."

Is this true?

I have no idea.

Sometimes I wish I were into country music and attended church on a regular basis so I could fit in around here. It would make life so much easier. However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Country music literally makes me sick and I just don't like the dogma of church. I've seen too many pastors get wealthy and I've seen too many churches tear down perfectly good homes to build parking lots. It's ridiculous.

I like Christ. I do not like most Christians.

I do not understand how the followers of Christ, who went from door to door to beg for food, was the son of a carpenter and eventually tortured mercilessly on a cross, could ask for THINGS...attend a church that is LOADED. I call it "Six Flags over Jesus." It is so very contradicting and it aggravates me to no end. These same people drive more than one SUV and judge, judge, judge.

Perhaps these are not true Christians? I just don't know. Perhaps I am being too judgmental. We are all human, after all and keeping up with the Jones' seems to be a theme here in America.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there praying for my soul right now after the posts I've put up on Facebook, but I don't care. Actually I do. I don't think I need my "soul saved." I believe it is just fine as it is. I feel full of light and love. I want to be peaceful. I want others to be happy. I want to feel love rather than judgment. I just want to live my life and let others live theirs.

I am a very opinionated person. I know this. It is one of my many flaws. However, if we don't let our opinions out, we lose our voice and I for one, do not want to lose my voice. That said, I dislike upsetting people. I think my ED side still takes over occasionally & I try to please everyone. I don't want anyone mad at me, even people I don't particularly like.

Light & love,
T.

Here's something true and rather embarrassing about me...I am only sharing it as a way to make you laugh.

I bought a new journal today at Barnes and Noble (love that store, by the way). So anyway, when I shop for a journal, it's very systematic. I feel each one (must be leather bound...or at least that is my thought initially), close my eyes and try to absorb the energy of the journal...and I think to myself (literally), "which one will inspire my masterpiece?"

Ridiculous, I know...and the fact that I'm sharing this proves that I no longer have a filter and that I really no longer care what others think.

Anyway, I ended up choosing, not a leather one as I usually do, but a nice handmade fabric-bound one with a cool dial design and embroidery. I love it and whether or not it will inspire my masterpiece is irrelevant....it will certainly inspire me to write. Period. And that's what matters.

Here is a couple of pics:




I love that the pages have no lines...this will inspire me to sketch, which I love doing. :)

Baking Fiasco

So since being married, I've become even more domestically challenged. While I am able to clean house and do laundry, my abilities for other things beneath our roof are in constant decline.

Take today.

I used to be really good at baking & decorating cakes, even to the point that people asked me to do cakes for them. Today was the first day I've baked in probably a year and it's a monstrosity. Of course it could be that I baked it in a bikini (I was previously getting a little sun on the deck) while listening to Type O Negative.

I also went out on a limb and bought the whipped icing, which was a huge mistake. That shit sucks. It is way too light and therefore hard to spread because it doesn't stick well. *Grrrrr* So anyway, the freaking cake is chock full of crumbs, which I tried to hide with rainbow sprinkles (not very successfully, I might add). I edged it in blue, but the flipping whipped icing even caused THAT to fall.

So, to at least make it look a little better, the falling icing zone is now the back of the cake. At least it won't be visible in birthday pictures.

I think my cake-baking days are over...either that or I need to get out of my stupid ED head and bake more cakes so I have more practice...not sure that will happen anytime soon; at least not as long as I have the desire to wear a bikini.

I am certainly no domestic goddess & honestly, it's not a goal I have. I just wanted to bake a freaking cute birthday cake for my child; that's all. :( Bummer.


I blame these guys for the following....


The cake, of which I spoke, with...


the falling icing zone.

Lunch, online shopping (monitor browsing) and sizing

So I've been monitor browsing (formerly known as window shopping, except now I don't have to leave the comfort of my home). Why can't I just buy a medium? I mean, I see an adorable summer dress and notice that the size small measurements are too small for me and then I totally throw out the idea of getting the dress at all. Why can't I just suck it up and buy the medium, which would fit perfectly? *grumble*

The fact is, I've not changed in size. I am still a size 2...it's the idea of having something on that says "MEDIUM" like a herald of bad news that makes me cringe. It's stupid. The fact is, most smalls are made for women much shorter than me. I am 5'8" and it's hard to find smalls that are 1.) long enough and 2.) wide enough in the bust (and I have NO BOOBS!)

Anyway, ordinarily it would deter me from enjoying my lunch, which consists of baked potato soup and an iced vanilla coffee...today though I will continue to enjoy them and merely grumble at the fact that the dress is just not for me.....at least not today. Why must we size things at all?

I mean, it's like giving a grade to a student. Is it REALLY necessary? Why can't we just NOT size clothes and then people have to try them on to see if they fit. I think it would be beneficial to businesses because how many times to we take something home without trying it on and realize we hate it, so we have to return it thus fucking up the traffic numbers for the store; all because we trusted a size tag on the garment? I think it happens a lot.

I suppose that concept would completely ruin the idea of monitor browsing...we would never be able to buy an item online. If the stores tried to "help" by saying, "if you typically wear a size 8, try this size" that would totally ruin the concept, because women would merely compare themselves that way.

We are always comparing ourselves, aren't we? To what? What the hell are we comparing ourselves to? Some ridiculous and completely IMAGINED idea of what we SHOULD be....how we SHOULD act? What the hell?

Does a woman ever truly LIVE anymore? Are we so consumed with outward appearances adn expectations in this day and age that we forget to live, so we are consumed with guilt for not grabbing life by it's horns while we were young enough to cause a little havoc? Wow...what a thought.

When I was a teenager, I weighed about 15 pounds more than I do now and I caused a lot of havoc in the world back then. I was opinionated, creative, loving, bitchy, compassionate, etc. I also struggled with an eating disorder in between having a helluva lot of fun. I want that spunky, crazy girl back. I know she's in there and she wouldn't blink an eye at buying a medium...as a matter of fact, she would be browsing the Salvation Army for funky clothes she could alter to make her own. I want the eating disorder shit to leave my mind. I want to be free.

I want to be me.

That said, I just CAN'T buy the medium....I can't bring myself to do it. Dammit! I am so weak and pathetic. How on earth can I let something so insignificant affect an otherwise wonderful day? *grumble!*

Today is my son's 15th birthday. One the way home from getting the cake-baking essentials, I thought about the fact that in 5 years he'll be 20 years old. That's just....NUTS! I can't believe it! My goodness time flies. So anyway, I'm going to forget all this sizing bullshit and bake his cake and then don my bikini and get a few rays of sunshine on my deck in my nice, new slingback lounge chair. :)

Ta-ta for now.

All around us is a world made up of energy that is scintillatingly alive...the problem is it is too often ignored in the endless human quest for happiness.

Today my goal is to make an effort to feel this energy, realize it is both divine, natural and humane. I want to understand that I am a part of it...I am made up of it. It is me, just as it is a tree....a flower, the babbling brook. It is everything.

We all, all things on Earth, are made up of the same energy. This is how all living things are connected on a molecular level. I think as humans, we tend to forget this.

Today I want to remember this. I want to revive my spirit.

Monday, Monday

What a day to decide to take off to spend quality time with my kiddos. It's grey, gloomy and rainy outside. Ugh. The only good thing is it's a perfect day to go see a movie and that is our plan for later. However, I wish I had gone to work. The thing is, I promised the kids at the beginning of the year that I'd take a day off for their spring break since we have different break times. They chose today, even though the rest of the week is supposed to be beautiful. Oh well.

My back is killing me. One side is tight and makes it hard for me to turn my head to the left and the other side, under my arm is having spasms. Ugh. What the hell? I'm only 34!!! lol

Maybe I should just go chill with my kiddos and enjoy the lazy day, instead of regretting taking off. It's sad to have looked forward to a day off with them & then spend most of it wishing I hadn't. What a terrible thing!

That's it. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch with them and then we'll figure out what movie to see later. :)

Screams Within

My husband asked, "What's wrong, honey?" as we sipped sake at our favorite Japanese restaurant on Friday night.

I turned my eyes from the window, where I gazed at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts, and smiled at him. "Nothing's wrong." I replied, honestly. there realyl was nothing wrong. My mind was turned to my work, on a particular student who that day insulted me. I generally don't care what students say about me, because they are 12/13 years old and are constantly saying things they don't really mean. It's a part of adolescence in America.

This particular student has given all the teachers on the team trouble except for me and I felt that we had a good teacher/student relationship going where he understood that I understood his situation and to be honest, I probably do understand more than the other teachers because of my childhood. Anyway, when he got mad and insulted me, I sent him out of the room very causally and went on with class...but it stuck with me. Honestly, I was pissed. However, my anger had nothing to do with him really, because my thought was something like this, "After all I've done for this kid, this is how he repays me?!" That is more about pride than the student.

He hurt my pride.
There is really no room for pride in life and especially not when working with children. That student reminded me to be humble.

As we sat at the table, my husband replied, "I know what it is: it got cold." He may have a point. My mood is very affected by the weather and, except for yesterday, this week has been cold and somewhat cloudy. I don't know if he was right this time, but he may have a point.

There are so many things going on in my head these days that it's hard to get it all out here on this blog. I'm consumed with so much that, in a way, I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. My eyes are constantly turned outward. I seldom have time to consider how I'm feeling inside. It's hard to consider my place in this world because I am worried about deadlines, children, my husband, my home, etc.

It leaves me wondering: who the hell am I?

It is dangerous to lose oneself, at least it's dangerous for me to lose myself. I tend to go to extremes when this happens.

Of late I am drinking too much and eating too little. A student said the other day, "No offense, Mrs. Grimsley, but do you ever eat?"

It was a strange thing to ask a teacher out of the blue and I lied to him, of course. I eat better than I have in the past, but I am not taking very good care of myself. I don't know why. I just do what I do. It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I LIKE being slender. I LIKE wearing the size clothes I wear. I LIKE looking in the mirror and thinking my figure looks statuesque. Is that bad?

That said, I don't think I look good. To mean, Jennifer Lopez looks good. I love womanly curves....on others; not on me. I don't know why. My husband is not a big guy and that bothers me sometimes too. I want to be small compared to him. Stupid, I know.

I think this post proves that I'm ready for Spring Break. I need a little time to myself, to reorganize my thinking and rejuvenate my spirit. Perhaps if I can't get in a proper vacation, I'll at least get a room somewhere so I can have a little getaway.

I attended a very interesting seminar last night at UK. It was for Invisible Children, which helps orphaned children in Uganda whose parents have (often times) been killed by the rebels.

I was very touched and moved by the presentation. They showed us ROUGH CUT, which told the story of a few of the children who, at that time, (2006) were homeless and sleeping in the bus station, doing homework by candlelight. I was so moved and then at the end, a very attractive young man with dark skin and a smile that lit up the room took the microphone. He said with a wave, "Hi. I am who they call Boni." He was one of the children from the film! He is now 19 and he is hoping to attend a university.

He was abducted by the rebels and had to live in the bush for two weeks where they tried to desensitize him to violence and killing. He escaped and lived a homeless life for a while before the rebels finally moved on. They are now in Sudan and other places.

They have a website...I encourage you to visit:

www.invisiblechildren.com

Going to that seminar has changed my life. It really has. Talking to Boni afterward was so nice too. He hopes to become a priest and then a journalist.

Went out last night with a friend of mine for my birthday.
It was a great time...

We danced at a club downtown and it was a whole lot of fun...however, I am left with terrible guilt because I danced with a man. Normally I don't feel guilt about that and why I do this time, I'm not sure. I did nothing wrong.

I think I feel guilty because when this man said, "you are so beautiful," I liked it. I LIKED hearing that and I feel guilty for it.

He is from orignally from the Caribbean (and had the lovely accent) and moved to NYC, in Manhattan and Brooklyn where his did his undergraduate work. He is now teaching at UK and working on his dissertation. I told him I teach English...I also told him I am unavailable and he was totally cool with that. He did not seem to try to hit on me after that. He was genuinely kind and respectful. Now before that, he was indeed, trying to hit on me. Anyway, he asked if I might consider editing/proofreading his dissertation and I said I would. I gave him my number and a part of me wonders if that is a good idea. I really don't think he was trying to hit on me.

We parted with kind words and it was fun...that's it and that's all. So why do I feel so guilty? I think I feel guilty for the liking part...I liked the attention. I am not usually like this. I liked that he was successful and I liked the way he looked at me. Oh god, I'm a terrible person. All we did was dance and chat. Half the time I was not even around him.

Am I a bad person for having liked the attention? Why on earth do I need such ridiculous affirmation? My husband seldom tells me I'm beautiful....he generally says that I "look good" or that I'm "cute." It was nice to hear "beautiful." I shrugged off the compliment and never said thank you....but inside I was thankful and I think I even blushed...

I think my age is getting to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I really am.
:(

Of late I have been extremely lazy/depressed and nothing I do...not that I've tried to do much, seems to help. The fact that it is freaking freezing outside and we have about 6 inches or so of snow on the ground certainly doesn't help matters. Ugh.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake this?

Longing

I've been really busy today, but nothing I did involved going outside except going to 5 Guys to get a late lunch.

I find I'm missing something....someone....some place. I don't know who or what it is. I just feel a terrible longing inside my heart these days.

Maybe it's the warm summer breeze I miss. Maybe it's outdoor activities. Maybe it's something I've never even experienced. I do not know what I miss. Something. I just can't figure it out...it happens often, but not so often that I feel unhappy with my life. I love my life.

I sometimes wish my family lived somewhere else. My husband...he's always so afraid to start somewhere else...it really annoys me. I am tired of living here, but with the economy the way it is, selling our house would be very difficult. Hmmmm.

2010

I've started 2010 off with three movies in the theater...this is VERY rare for me. I seldom hit the cinema, but I'm happy I have. I saw The Blind Side, Sherlock Holmes and tonight I saw Avatar 3D. All were great, but Avatar is my favorite of the season. I LOVED it and want to see it again with BOTH of my sons. tonight Tristan and I went because Caleb was at a friend's house for the weekend.

Wonderful film...I highly recommend it. :)