Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Blogger mobile...not sure how this works. Hope I'm doing it right.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Lowdown


The update on my life:

1. Getting divorced.
2. Got an apartment in a place called Raintree Apartments.
3. Apartment flooded during a torrential downpour and carpets were soggy wet.
4. Got another unit in the same place.
5. THAT apartment flooded even worse than the first one.
6. Found out in second unit, a man died there and laid there for 42 days before they knew he died.
7. Understood why the Ozone machine had been running for so long.
8. Decided to leave Raintree and they agreed to return my deposit and rent checks.
9. Got a NICE place at another apartment complex...a luxury apartment complex.
10. Raintree fucked up and deposited my rent check.
11. Account overdrawn because of extra 600 bucks being taken out without my knowledge.
12. Bank sent letter to Raintree to make them pay for the overdraft fees.
13. Called car dealership and have been approved to lease a car and trade in my Camry (even though I LOVE it). 200 a month beats 400.
14. Met someone who is sweet, caring, fun as hell, doesn't live to work, and makes me laugh. Will it go anywhere? I have no idea and don't care. I'm having fun for the first time in over a decade.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Better I'm feeling much better about my job. I actually really enjoyed the last 1/4 - 1/2 of it. I laughed more and felt more comfortable in general. It was good. I'm staying at my school.


Monday, March 7, 2011

The Unsaid Babble That Really Needs to be Said Aloud

I really think I want to leave the teaching profession and it makes me feel really bad to say that. It makes me feel REALLY bad that I have such high student loans and I don't want to do the job I worked so hard to get. :/

I feel sad. I feel guilty. I feel confused. I feel like a failure.

With that said, I also feel like as long as I have breath in my lungs, anything is I think I may get my M.A. in Cultural Anthropology. I have always had a passion for history and especially for cultures, which is why I am also certified in Social Studies. I have 8 more years in which to get my masters, so that means I can teach until then. Of course I will always teach like my life depends on it, just because I don't want to do it forever doesn't mean I'll slack off. I'm no slacker.

I may change schools though. My literacy coach is trying to get me to go to the school she is going to next year. She thinks the school I'm in now doesn't have any support and she said that with the "right support, you can become a phenomenal teacher. You've got it already, you just need guidance." I think she's right...but that school has behavior issues as well and quite frankly I'm sick to my soul of behavior issues.

I have all the GRE practice booklets I could get, except one and I'll probably get it soon. I loaned my vocabulary one to a student who is probably the most gifted person I've ever known. He's an 8th grader studying GRE vocab...go figure! lol

Anyway, there's the babble I cannot say aloud.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So I just applied for a scholarship to the IRA Annual Convention in Orlando, Florida. I received the kindest letter of recommendation from the Administrative Dean of Students at my school. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea anyone even paid attention to what I'm doing/trying to do each day.

Some days it's really hard to get up and go into work, but I cannot give up. I cannot give up on my students or myself. I want to give it one more year, even though my husband says, "I really wish you wouldn't. I don't want you to go through this again next year." He NEVER gives his opinion on my decisions. He generally just supports me. I guess he's seen me close myself in the closet to cry too many times this year.

I'm reading the book The Bee Eater about Michelle Rhee, former superintendent of D.C. public schools. It's nice to read about someone who went though similar things I find myself going through this year. She, she thrived. I want to end this year on a positive note. I want my students to do well and feel that they can accomplish any task they come up against.

It's been a tough year and it's been a LONG year. I've prayed for snow days more times than I care to admit. I've taken sick days as mental health days just to recharge my batteries. I've wished I never left my previous school....all these things at least once a month every month. It's been a rough experience, but I'm beginning to think it's been a rewarding experience as well, and that is why I want to return next year.

I do plan to lessen my load next year though. I'm not teaching an extra class. This will mean my pay will be reduced by 7 grand (YIKES), but I feel my mental well-being and my free time at home is worth the loss of pay. Right now I feel stressed constantly because I end up with 1 or 2 planning periods PER WEEK, because of meetings. I end up working until 9pm at least three nights a week and then I work on weekends to plan for the next week.

This leads my thoughts to something I heard this morning:

Rand on GMA he said that "teachers are paid quite well and they should not be striking. They should be at work teaching our children." HIS kids? Are his kids in the public schools? Also, does he realize that the majority of teachers in the state of KY (his state), if they are single parents, or the breadwinners of their families, they qualify for free/reduced lunch?! That is hardly what I consider "paid well." Also, he and others think teachers work only 9 months of the year, but this is not true. I will be working all summer to plan for next year and get my room ready. During the school year I work at least three 13 hour days, plus a day on the weekends. Let's say 5 hours on the weekend. That totals 60 hours a week on a regular basis.

I'm not trying to whine...I'm just sick of that idiot politician. He makes me ashamed to say I'm from Kentucky. I can't believe he was voted into office. Grumble.
I certainly didn't vote for him.

Did you know he also said that food stamps should be cut? WTF is wrong with this guy? He doesn't care about poor people....he is like Bush Jr. Bush doesn't care about poor people either.

Sad that such a fool has a voice in our government.

Okay, enough of that rant! Wow.

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year Thoughts

My last post was less than enthusiastic, but I guess that's natural. We all have down days and sometimes my down days are because of my husband. I'm assuming this is normal. It's hard to share a life with someone, even someone I love and respect...adore and consider my friend. It's just hard to give and take constantly, but that is what marriage is.

Being a stubborn person, this is sometimes hard for me. Especially now that I've found my voice.

I feel like I'm learning to be social for the first time ever. For so long I just kept quiet, afraid someone might lash back at me with insults (it's easy to find faults with me and so I really thought this would be an automatic thing), so I never voiced my opinion. As a teen, I began to rebel very badly and I lashed out at everyone, even myself. Then, as an adult, I tried to find my footing. I tried to find my voice, but it was stifled by my E.D. and my depression. I have dealt with both. The E.D. has become quiet and my depression is being curbed with medication (that I'm not sure I should keep makes me feel like I have no feelings), so I'm finding my voice again. The thing is, I find that sometimes I say things that hurt others. It makes me feel bad, but at the same time I am LEARNING to be assertive without being hurtful.

I feel like a child when it comes to this. I know that's weird. I'm 34...nearly 35, but it's the truth. I find that I still have trouble voicing my opinion to my husband and I think this is why I sometimes have bad days and I think it's because of him...really, it's because i don't say anything. I think this has to do with my previous relationship with him...I lost him for a while, but it never had to do with my standing up for myself or voicing my opinion. It's a long story. Anyway, I guess deep inside I'm afraid he'll be gone again.

That said, I long for isolation. I long to be alone. I dream of vacationing by myself, but I never do it. I figure I'll get bored. Ha! That's so funny.

I am a walking contradiction. It's the truth.
I walk over myself constantly, get turned around and end up where I started, find the correct path and then veer off only to discover I took the long way around. It's frustrating to say the least...but it's never boring. I guess I have that going for me.

This year I plan to be more present...I've made this goal before and I feel I have improved on it...but I want to continue on this path. I also want to get into my religious studies more. I need to feed my spirit. I need to commune with Nature more...

I got a puppy on the 29th. He's a Miniature Schnauzer and the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I adore him. Because he is black and Scott said he looks like an ink blot, we decided to name him Rorschach. I named him Rorschach von Grimsley and he will be AKC registered as that. :) I think it's cute and yet it sounds so sophisticated! haha! We call him Schachy most of the time, but he'll answer to anything as long as you use a high pitched, happy voice.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned my puppy is because he has gotten me outside. I take him for walks...even when he really doesn't want to go and sits, looks at me and whines a bit. I take him out to use the potty, to play and attack the dried plants in my garden. While I'm freezing my butt off, sometimes I look into the night sky to see the stars and I think, "Wow, it's been a while since I just looked at the stars." Tonight I saw "baseball." I remember someone in a movie calling that cluster of stars "baseball," and that is all I know it as now. The air is so fresh and clean in winter. I forgot that while living so long with winter depression. The cold still causes me to hunch my shoulders and tuck my head in like a turtle, but it's those moments when I look up, with a clear view of Orion that I remember how cool the winter night sky is. I have Rorschach to thank for that. He also makes me smile more times per day than I can count.

Rorschach and I. :)

Little things like this are what life is all about.

Still...I feel dissatisfied somehow and I don't know what's causing this feeling. Why can't I just be happy?

To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I had a home of my own. I'd like to be married, as I love my marriage, but I need time alone. Maybe I just need a room of my own, like Virginia suggested for women. I need my solace. I need time to be; just be, without having to BE anything.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Sometimes I hate being married.