Sunday, May 16, 2010

Joy Ache

At this very moment, I am both extremely happy and extremely sad.

I'm happy because my life is just what I always hoped for as far as my marriage, career and kiddos go. I's wonderful and actually it might be better than what I hoped for, because I had no idea how good married life could be. I'd never met anyone who was truly happily married, so I had no idea it could happen.

I'm extremely sad because I miss my siblings. I really do. For whatever reason, they dislike me...have said they hate me and well, there is nothing I can do about that. I've chosen to keep my distance and I plan to continue with that, because what else is there to do? I'm tired of being hurt. The thing is, it hurts to keep a distance. Then again, you can't close a distance if the other person doesn't want it and they don't want it.

Today I watched the movie Coco before Coco Chanel and I loved it. Her story inspires me. I'm not saying I want to be like in what she accomplished, although I have had that dream (funny because I am a self-taught seamstress and unable to make clothes). I have said things like, "People should be wearing my name on their clothes." Why? I have no idea...

I want to be successful in whatever I endeavor to do. I have no idea where this life will take me. I have no idea what I truly want in my life. I know for now I am focused on my career...possibly even more than my family. I'm good at my job. I love it. I also have plans to get better and venture out to do new things concerning my career. At present I'm working on a manuscript for a NCTE publication. I hope it will make the publication. I don't know if it will, but I hope it does! I have also been asked to participate in a presentation at an upcoming conference. I've accepted and should the proposal be approved, I'll be dealing with the nerves of presenting to other professionals! Yikes. It'll be really cool, but extremely scary.

I don't know why I even agreed to do it...I just thought, "What the hell? Why not?" At this moment though...I'm freaking out a little bit. Why did I say yes? Yikes...The closer it gets, the higher my anxiety will get, I'm sure. I just figured...this is my one life, why not take chances and see what will happen? I think I owe it to myself to see what comes of it. :)