I'm feeling tired, angry and in general very unhappy lately. I don't know why, but I feel dissatisfied with pretty much everything in my life right now. EVERYTHING.
It's weird and unsettling.
Not sure what to do.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lonely
Sometimes I feel really lonely. Today I do a bit and you know, I didn't even notice it until I was meditating and it just came to me. I've been feeling weird lately and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me. Well, I realized I feel lonely.
Feeling lonely is a strange feeling, especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you and when you are in a room of people. Loneliness has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with where you are. It has to do with something deeper, something untouchable.
I noticed myself beginning to feel insecure and self-conscious. I've begun to feel like I'm inadequate and I don't know what brought on these feelings. Maybe I wore myself out. Maybe I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head and should seek medical attention. I don't know. Maybe I just started to feel lonely and ignored it for too long so it showed itself in other, more obvious ways so I'd open my eyes and pay attention.
The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered. I'll definitely not tell my husband I feel lonely because he'll smother me and that's not what I want at all. What DO I want?
I don't know. Maybe .......
I really and truly don't know. I think I'll give it more thought. I do feel better simply having recognized the sitution, but it needs to be dealt with as well. Since I discovered it while meditating, maybe I'll work through it while meditating as well.
Feeling lonely is a strange feeling, especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you and when you are in a room of people. Loneliness has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with where you are. It has to do with something deeper, something untouchable.
I noticed myself beginning to feel insecure and self-conscious. I've begun to feel like I'm inadequate and I don't know what brought on these feelings. Maybe I wore myself out. Maybe I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head and should seek medical attention. I don't know. Maybe I just started to feel lonely and ignored it for too long so it showed itself in other, more obvious ways so I'd open my eyes and pay attention.
The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered. I'll definitely not tell my husband I feel lonely because he'll smother me and that's not what I want at all. What DO I want?
I don't know. Maybe .......
I really and truly don't know. I think I'll give it more thought. I do feel better simply having recognized the sitution, but it needs to be dealt with as well. Since I discovered it while meditating, maybe I'll work through it while meditating as well.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Writing
I'm revisiting a story I started last year. I think it's okay....(and it'll have to be even if it isn't) to leave a wtory and return to it later. I have so many "dusty" computer files with stories I've started and never finished and I used to think this was indicative of my flighty nature and showed my lack of focus, but I never thought about the fact that I DID save them. They aren't forgotten. I've just put them away for safe keeping until I am ready to revisit them....like I did this morning.
I was sort of surprised that I could pick back up with it. It wasn't hard at all and I wrote another two pages. I guess if I revisit it more frequently and just write to see where it'll take me, I'll have a decent story going by the end of the year. I'm excited about this story. They say to write what you know and that's what I'm doing. I'm adding things from my life, things I've seen, things I've felt and I'm mixing them with things I wish I had known. It's fun.
I was sort of surprised that I could pick back up with it. It wasn't hard at all and I wrote another two pages. I guess if I revisit it more frequently and just write to see where it'll take me, I'll have a decent story going by the end of the year. I'm excited about this story. They say to write what you know and that's what I'm doing. I'm adding things from my life, things I've seen, things I've felt and I'm mixing them with things I wish I had known. It's fun.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Today.....writtien on a stone the desk of some writer I don't remember.
I've had a nice morning so far. Made breakfast for my sons and their two friends, watered the flowers and finished a reading assignment.
The only thing I have to do today is go to Kennedy's and pick up my final textbook, read three chapters from it and do an introduction letter. Then, I'm free. I will go to the bookstore later and relax for a while. Tonight I'll do the assignment. I don't want to rush or freak out about it. I'll get it done. No big deal.
If you've never tried Google SketchUp, you should give it a whirl. It's a fun, 3D program where you can build houses, classrooms, design and outdoor space...etc. I'm using it for a class and it's pretty cool. Google has all sorts of way cool programs now. I love it. I started using the Google Reader, because there are several websites that I visit on a regular basis and in Reader, you can add subscriptions and have the recent stories sent there. They're all together and you can read them without having to visit many different websites. It's pretty cool.
Fun gadgets. :)
So I've been in a funk lately. I know it's cyclic and I know it'll pass, but I hate it. I don't want to be bothered. My libido is basically DEAD.....a fact that doesn't make my husband (or me) very happy. WTF? Why does this happen? I dreamed that I was given Prosac and all my problems disappeared. hmmmmm......I wonder if it could be that easy. It's food for thought.
The same night though I dreamed I was visited by a ghost who told me as I slept (in the dream I was asleep as well) that her name was Amy. I woke up saying her name. It was weird to say the least. To simply dream about being asleep is sort of creepy to me. Too horror film for me.
Anyway. I want to take a bike ride today, but I really want to go to the arboretum and I haven't gotten my bike rack yet, so I will just limit myself to the neighborhood.....my knees aren't strong enough to go any further. I'll take the bike path, relax and just keep at it until I'm strong enough to venture further. What a cool thing that will be! I could ride to the grocery store or Walmart or something for a quick shopping trip. :) Yay.
The only thing I have to do today is go to Kennedy's and pick up my final textbook, read three chapters from it and do an introduction letter. Then, I'm free. I will go to the bookstore later and relax for a while. Tonight I'll do the assignment. I don't want to rush or freak out about it. I'll get it done. No big deal.
If you've never tried Google SketchUp, you should give it a whirl. It's a fun, 3D program where you can build houses, classrooms, design and outdoor space...etc. I'm using it for a class and it's pretty cool. Google has all sorts of way cool programs now. I love it. I started using the Google Reader, because there are several websites that I visit on a regular basis and in Reader, you can add subscriptions and have the recent stories sent there. They're all together and you can read them without having to visit many different websites. It's pretty cool.
Fun gadgets. :)
So I've been in a funk lately. I know it's cyclic and I know it'll pass, but I hate it. I don't want to be bothered. My libido is basically DEAD.....a fact that doesn't make my husband (or me) very happy. WTF? Why does this happen? I dreamed that I was given Prosac and all my problems disappeared. hmmmmm......I wonder if it could be that easy. It's food for thought.
The same night though I dreamed I was visited by a ghost who told me as I slept (in the dream I was asleep as well) that her name was Amy. I woke up saying her name. It was weird to say the least. To simply dream about being asleep is sort of creepy to me. Too horror film for me.
Anyway. I want to take a bike ride today, but I really want to go to the arboretum and I haven't gotten my bike rack yet, so I will just limit myself to the neighborhood.....my knees aren't strong enough to go any further. I'll take the bike path, relax and just keep at it until I'm strong enough to venture further. What a cool thing that will be! I could ride to the grocery store or Walmart or something for a quick shopping trip. :) Yay.
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