I wrote this poem when I was feeling very afraid of change. Change can be hard, even when it is good. This poem was written in 2009, but I feel like it is still pertinent to my life at present, as I begin a journey toward freeing myself from depression and as I begin a new and very complex stage in my career as a teacher. I am very afraid. I do not know for sure that I won't fail miserable at it. I don't know that I've ever really failed at anything before, but that doesn't mean a lot, because I have generally been the type of person to only do so much so that if I did fail, it wouldn't be such a shock. This is very different. I want to succeed. I want to do well. Will I do it again next year? I have no idea.
The depression part is scary too. I've dealt with it for so very long I can't even guess. I think it came before the eating disorder, but I can't be sure...the chicken or the egg scenario, I guess. Anyway, I was looking through old journals and I noticed a very alarming pattern of ups and severe lows. I also took into consideration the way I am in the winter...this year was the first year when all I had to do was think about winter and tears will well up in my eyes. I swear, I don't know that I could handle another without help. I was very frightened by that thought and so I was relieved when my doctor asked if I might want to try an anti-depressant for seasonal depression. I agreed immediately. She said I could start it in October if I wanted, but I decided to go ahead and try it that day. It takes up to 4 weeks for it to have effect and so I knew it should be working by October and that's when my depression starts to sneak in. I'm so scared of it that I didn't want to wait and end up having it not work until November...generally by Thanksgiving, it is in full swing and I have trouble enjoying family gatherings and other things.
The Watery Abyss
I ride slowly, cautiously
the waves of life, as
back and forth they rock.
I feel sick this night
terror wrenches my heart
and turns my stomach.
I know not my surroundings
although I can hear you laugh
and I feel your arms around my waist.
My bosom heavy; burdened
cries deep within my frame
and I fight to keep the bile down
I fight to smile.
Riding the waves of life,
hoping not to crash hard upon the shore
where they wait, arms waving
as I vomit overboard
wishing to turn back toward the watery abyss.
My husband and I had dinner last night at our favorite restaurant, Miyako. I love the sushi there and the service is awesome too. We are regulars for sure; going at least every other week...Chung is our favorite waiter. the owner is very kind too. He always says hi, lets us know the recent family news and he always shakes Scott's hand. If only restaurant owners knew how important it is to simply greet their patrons....
Anyway, so we were there and we were chatting about what we want to do in the next couple of years. The other day he asked if I'd want to move from our home. I've thought about this...our house was built in 1988 and so it is getting to the age where it needs maintenance and Scott is sort of getting tired of worrying about what might happen next. He asked if I might want to get an apartment or townhouse so we can save money and not be tied to a mortgage and all the maintenance.
At first I felt sad about it...this is our first real home. I love this house. I say "by, pretty house," every time we leave the driveway...lol. Not kidding. However, I for sure understand the benefits of moving to a place where we can call the landlord and have him deal with the maintenance. Also, if we can save some money, that would be great for the future when the kids head off to college.
Scott and I want to move to Europe for one year after the kids are settled where they will be attending school and such. I'm scared of the idea of having them in America and being across the Atlantic. However, I think it's a great idea. It's not like we'll be gone forever...although that's a possibility. I told him, "We may not want to come back to America." He replied, "I know."
I'm so scared of not having my kids with me. It's a fear that is so deep inside myself. I literally tense up with the thought, but I know at some point I'll have to let them go. they will grow up and start their own lives. the thing is, I think they will need a couple of years on their own before I'll feel comfortable enough to leave the country...they will still be so young and they will still need me on occasion, even if they pretend they don't.
So there is a hell of a lot going on inside my head right now...I think it's a good thing I started the medicine right away....