Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year Thoughts

My last post was less than enthusiastic, but I guess that's natural. We all have down days and sometimes my down days are because of my husband. I'm assuming this is normal. It's hard to share a life with someone, even someone I love and respect...adore and consider my friend. It's just hard to give and take constantly, but that is what marriage is.

Being a stubborn person, this is sometimes hard for me. Especially now that I've found my voice.

I feel like I'm learning to be social for the first time ever. For so long I just kept quiet, afraid someone might lash back at me with insults (it's easy to find faults with me and so I really thought this would be an automatic thing), so I never voiced my opinion. As a teen, I began to rebel very badly and I lashed out at everyone, even myself. Then, as an adult, I tried to find my footing. I tried to find my voice, but it was stifled by my E.D. and my depression. I have dealt with both. The E.D. has become quiet and my depression is being curbed with medication (that I'm not sure I should keep makes me feel like I have no feelings), so I'm finding my voice again. The thing is, I find that sometimes I say things that hurt others. It makes me feel bad, but at the same time I am LEARNING to be assertive without being hurtful.

I feel like a child when it comes to this. I know that's weird. I'm 34...nearly 35, but it's the truth. I find that I still have trouble voicing my opinion to my husband and I think this is why I sometimes have bad days and I think it's because of him...really, it's because i don't say anything. I think this has to do with my previous relationship with him...I lost him for a while, but it never had to do with my standing up for myself or voicing my opinion. It's a long story. Anyway, I guess deep inside I'm afraid he'll be gone again.

That said, I long for isolation. I long to be alone. I dream of vacationing by myself, but I never do it. I figure I'll get bored. Ha! That's so funny.

I am a walking contradiction. It's the truth.
I walk over myself constantly, get turned around and end up where I started, find the correct path and then veer off only to discover I took the long way around. It's frustrating to say the least...but it's never boring. I guess I have that going for me.

This year I plan to be more present...I've made this goal before and I feel I have improved on it...but I want to continue on this path. I also want to get into my religious studies more. I need to feed my spirit. I need to commune with Nature more...

I got a puppy on the 29th. He's a Miniature Schnauzer and the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I adore him. Because he is black and Scott said he looks like an ink blot, we decided to name him Rorschach. I named him Rorschach von Grimsley and he will be AKC registered as that. :) I think it's cute and yet it sounds so sophisticated! haha! We call him Schachy most of the time, but he'll answer to anything as long as you use a high pitched, happy voice.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned my puppy is because he has gotten me outside. I take him for walks...even when he really doesn't want to go and sits, looks at me and whines a bit. I take him out to use the potty, to play and attack the dried plants in my garden. While I'm freezing my butt off, sometimes I look into the night sky to see the stars and I think, "Wow, it's been a while since I just looked at the stars." Tonight I saw "baseball." I remember someone in a movie calling that cluster of stars "baseball," and that is all I know it as now. The air is so fresh and clean in winter. I forgot that while living so long with winter depression. The cold still causes me to hunch my shoulders and tuck my head in like a turtle, but it's those moments when I look up, with a clear view of Orion that I remember how cool the winter night sky is. I have Rorschach to thank for that. He also makes me smile more times per day than I can count.

Rorschach and I. :)

Little things like this are what life is all about.

Still...I feel dissatisfied somehow and I don't know what's causing this feeling. Why can't I just be happy?

To tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I had a home of my own. I'd like to be married, as I love my marriage, but I need time alone. Maybe I just need a room of my own, like Virginia suggested for women. I need my solace. I need time to be; just be, without having to BE anything.


Angela said...

Ahhh, I understand so much, and I'm always so surprised about how much your thoughts and feelings mirror mine in so many ways. I find it hard to find my voice with my huband mostly because I don't want to hurt him or make him think that I'm unhappy. It is sad that I have to put on a happy mask even for him. I do not let him in. He accuses me of isolating, and it is because I need time alone and can never get it, so I go deep into my writing and my computer, all the while the life in my house is going on. Anyway...I'm rambling here. Sorry. I'm glad that you are finding ways to be assertive and voice your opinions because you have so much to say. I know about the dissatisfaction you feel in your life. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for me, and that is so frustrating. I know you wrote this post weeks ago. I hope you are finding your working your way through all of these feelings. You are in my thoughts. You don't know how many times I have wished that we could live closer and hang out! I think you are wonderful:)

Sunny said...

Thank you so much for your comment, Angie. I really appreciate it. I don't think I've worked through it. It has just passed by momentarily, as do most things I should probably work on.

I wonder if many married women (and even men) think this way? Are we often masking our feelings to prevent the other from feeling bad? hmmm.