Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Happiness and sadness all wrapped up in a moment.

Have you ever had a day when you feel both happy and sad at the same time? I'm having a day like that today. I feel as though I could burst into tears at any minute and for no particular reason. Maybe my love for my husband is too much to bear. Maybe I feel sad because human beings are so cruel to one another. Maybe my children make me smile too wide. Maybe a flower is just the perfect shade of yellow: like a little touch of sunshine in a sea of pink yarrow.

I don't know what it is...I don't know why I sometimes feel this way. It makes no sense. A song, even one I've never heard can bring tears to my eyes. I feel too consumed with beauty right now. I'm like a weirdo for sure! I know it's not normal.

Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person who can just waltz through life in stiletto heels and a smile and not think of anything outside myself, but I can't be that person. I see everything. I notice all the things that don't matter in and of themselves, but without which, no image could exist. I notice the breeze and the way it sways through the trees, almost like waves and if I close my eyes and listen, I could be sitting near the sea. I notice the lovely blue heads of the despised blackbird my husband always wants to shoot. I see the fairy-like iridescent wings of the lace wing and I cannot help but believe that THAT insect is where the fairy ideas originated. It really is a beautiful insect and I feel I am insulting it by referring to it (usually I think of each of them as "she") as an insect.

Have you noticed how the fly is constantly cleaning itself? He'll clean first his front legs and then with the grace a ballerina could only dream of, he lifts his back legs and begins to clean those as well. I wonder what he thinks of me as I peer down on him...he with his many lenses in his eyes...I probably look like a strange army.

Now the feeling of tears has past and I'm thankful for that. Perhaps from now on when I feel this way, I'll just write it out and let it flow from me.


Angel said...

Wow this is such a beautifully well written post! Glad that I came to read:) I feel this same way at times, and the feelings can really be overwhelming. I miss you and wish so much that we lived closer and could hang out! Hope you are having an awesome summer.

Love and hugs,

Sunny said...

Thanks, Angie.

Those moments are so strange, aren't they? But at the same time I think they are really cool because it's when I feel most close to the world around me.

Today I'd give anything for a thimbleful of that feeling!