Sunday, March 28, 2010

Screams Within

My husband asked, "What's wrong, honey?" as we sipped sake at our favorite Japanese restaurant on Friday night.

I turned my eyes from the window, where I gazed at nothing in particular; lost in my thoughts, and smiled at him. "Nothing's wrong." I replied, honestly. there realyl was nothing wrong. My mind was turned to my work, on a particular student who that day insulted me. I generally don't care what students say about me, because they are 12/13 years old and are constantly saying things they don't really mean. It's a part of adolescence in America.

This particular student has given all the teachers on the team trouble except for me and I felt that we had a good teacher/student relationship going where he understood that I understood his situation and to be honest, I probably do understand more than the other teachers because of my childhood. Anyway, when he got mad and insulted me, I sent him out of the room very causally and went on with class...but it stuck with me. Honestly, I was pissed. However, my anger had nothing to do with him really, because my thought was something like this, "After all I've done for this kid, this is how he repays me?!" That is more about pride than the student.

He hurt my pride.
There is really no room for pride in life and especially not when working with children. That student reminded me to be humble.

As we sat at the table, my husband replied, "I know what it is: it got cold." He may have a point. My mood is very affected by the weather and, except for yesterday, this week has been cold and somewhat cloudy. I don't know if he was right this time, but he may have a point.

There are so many things going on in my head these days that it's hard to get it all out here on this blog. I'm consumed with so much that, in a way, I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. My eyes are constantly turned outward. I seldom have time to consider how I'm feeling inside. It's hard to consider my place in this world because I am worried about deadlines, children, my husband, my home, etc.

It leaves me wondering: who the hell am I?

It is dangerous to lose oneself, at least it's dangerous for me to lose myself. I tend to go to extremes when this happens.

Of late I am drinking too much and eating too little. A student said the other day, "No offense, Mrs. Grimsley, but do you ever eat?"

It was a strange thing to ask a teacher out of the blue and I lied to him, of course. I eat better than I have in the past, but I am not taking very good care of myself. I don't know why. I just do what I do. It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. Not to mention the fact that I LIKE being slender. I LIKE wearing the size clothes I wear. I LIKE looking in the mirror and thinking my figure looks statuesque. Is that bad?

That said, I don't think I look good. To mean, Jennifer Lopez looks good. I love womanly curves....on others; not on me. I don't know why. My husband is not a big guy and that bothers me sometimes too. I want to be small compared to him. Stupid, I know.

I think this post proves that I'm ready for Spring Break. I need a little time to myself, to reorganize my thinking and rejuvenate my spirit. Perhaps if I can't get in a proper vacation, I'll at least get a room somewhere so I can have a little getaway.

1 comment:

Angela said...

You have had quite a year! It is no wonder that you feel like you have lost yourself in the whirlwind of it all. You are juggling so much, and trying to keep it all in the air. I can see where your own feelings would get lost. I know what you mean about feeling like there always needs to be something bad or some drama going on in life. If there isn't my reaction is to create it, most likely because I don't feel like I deserve happiness. Eating disorders are a coping mechanism, but unfortunately in this society, it is also important to be slender, so it is no wonder that being the perfectionists that we are, we push ourselves to attain the perfect body. I don't think it is stupid to want to be smaller than Scott. I wouldn't want to be bigger than my husband either! I think it will be good for you to be able to slow down and focus on yourself over spring break. Try to go easy on yourself. Sending all of my love and hugs<3<3<3