Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Lonely

Sometimes I feel really lonely. Today I do a bit and you know, I didn't even notice it until I was meditating and it just came to me. I've been feeling weird lately and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on with me. Well, I realized I feel lonely.

Feeling lonely is a strange feeling, especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you and when you are in a room of people. Loneliness has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with where you are. It has to do with something deeper, something untouchable.

I noticed myself beginning to feel insecure and self-conscious. I've begun to feel like I'm inadequate and I don't know what brought on these feelings. Maybe I wore myself out. Maybe I really do have a chemical imbalance in my head and should seek medical attention. I don't know. Maybe I just started to feel lonely and ignored it for too long so it showed itself in other, more obvious ways so I'd open my eyes and pay attention.

The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered. I'll definitely not tell my husband I feel lonely because he'll smother me and that's not what I want at all. What DO I want?

I don't know. Maybe .......

I really and truly don't know. I think I'll give it more thought. I do feel better simply having recognized the sitution, but it needs to be dealt with as well. Since I discovered it while meditating, maybe I'll work through it while meditating as well.

2 comments:

Angel said...

"The thing is, as lonely as I feel, I don't want to be bothered."

I understand this feeling so well, and I notice it more when I'm isolating myself. I also notice that I isolate myself when I'm feeling insecure. It is like I'm afraid that if I'm out in the world, I will be criticised, and I feel too fragile for that. I wish that I could help. Just know that you aren't alone with these feelings.

Love and hugs,
Angie

Sunny said...

Thanks a bunch. Yeah, I'm the same way....sometimes it's not even about others criticizing me. When I'm feeling bad and insecure, I end up criticizing myself so much I don't think of what others are thinking. It's crazy. I wish I could just LIVE. Y'know? I guess everyone has problems and that's a part of life though.

Mine is very cyclic, so I geneally know when it's coming. Sometimes I can better prepare than others and this was/is a harder time for me. I am feeling better though.

Thanks again for your support and friendship.