Thursday, July 10, 2008

Letting go

Angie, you gave me an idea with the whole "cleaning the closet" day. You know, I've cleaned my physical closet, but I still hang on to old ideas, old thoughts in my spiritual/emotional closet and I need to clean it out. :)

I awoke this morning before 5, which is something I've always hoped to do....I mean, actually get out of bed at that time, not lie awake for an hour and fall asleep like I usually do. I think best in the morning when the earth is still and the color is soft and pastel....the house is quiet and I can turn my thoughts inward. I wake up at 4:35 every morning and today I decided I may as well get up. I'm glad I did.

One thing I noticed in my closet, right up front on the perverbial floor is the need to please people, especially my family. The thing is though, I cannot please them and never have been able to, so I've walked around....tip-toed around them hoping never to piss anyone off. Anytime one of them gets aggitated, I either immediately work to "fix" the problem (as at the beach between my sister and mom) or I immediately search my brain for what I've done to make them angry....and I don't even have to have spoken to them in months.

This is how life with them is.

This is not an issue of "do I love them"...this is the issue of "do I want to give them a prominent place in my life or love them from afar"? I honestly think it is best to do the latter. My boys got a glimpse of what I had to endure as a kid when we were at the beach and they are now very hesitant about going to my mom's house. My sister went off the second day we were there and Tristan, scared and nervous, got in the sofa bed next to me and asked what was wrong with her (it came out of nowhere). I didn't know, so I told him she must just be tired. I can't say I blame her for being tired after traveling so far with an infant and having a 5-year old who happened to have just gotten mad over I-don't remember-what. Yeah, of course she was tired....but direct the feelings in the right direction. Y'know?

So anyway, this morning I am cleaning my spiritual closet of things that hold me down, cause me to doubt myself, cause me to dislike myself and cause me to feel nauseous inside like I'm somehow a bad person.......all of these things are felt when I allow my family to take prominent positions in my life.

It sucks. I remember watching the Cosby Show and seeing how Mr. and Mrs. Huxtible were with their kids and seeing how the shows always ended up on a good note and how I wished my family was more like that. Not even JUST like that, but more like that. No one ever plotted behind another's back except for the occasional antic about which everyone laughed. They were a loving (if imaginary) family and something I did not have. Ask my mom and she'll tell you one of her reasons for pride was her so-called "tough love."

I've been thinking about this for nearly a year.....I reallythink it's in my best interest and my sons' best interests to love my family from afar. I hope one day it won't have to be this way, but for now it must. It just feels like it's the right time.

For everything there is a season and this is the season for cleaning closets. :) There are just so many things I want to accomplish these days and the worry and the question regarding my family just holds me down. I need a change.

Besides, there are other fish in the sea and I have my friends who are better than family to me.
Being this open is strange to me. Lately I've been so introspective. It feels good though. I feel relieved.

1 comment:

Angel said...

What a hard and painful decision to come to. It is so much different when your own children are exposed to unhealthy family members. It is exactly why I cut ties with my father. He was allowed to hurt me, but not my kids. It was the best decision I have ever made.
Sending hugs! I know how hard it is.